1. I get so angry about social injustices / abuses of power that don't involve me that I get thrown into a dissociative rage sometimes.

  2. I've heard about that - talking or writing about yourself in third person. I tried the thing where you journal with your non-writing hand before, but I don't know if that helped.

  3. Yeah... dissociation exists as a defense mechanism in order to do just what you're saying... it's supposed to happen when you're in an inescapable and highly distressful situation to numb your fear and perception of danger.

  4. No, but that's really shaming and bizarre in a puritanical kind of way. "You have shamed us and yourself - now wear the badge of shame". That shit ain't right...

  5. Like they said - it sounds like you're experiencing dissociation. Dissociative episodes can be short or potentially last for days on end.

  6. Yeah, I don't even care about my lost childhood any more. I just want to be able to relax and live in the moment NOW at this point, but it's pretty hard.

  7. Sounds about right... when I used to get really bad dissociative panic attacks I would find they would sometimes be immediately after or near the end of a fearful situation. Like I'd be nervous grocery shopping and then right when finishing checking out I would start to get the extreme dissociation and loss of control over body type symptoms... like my body/mind was holding out until I was almost clear of immediate danger to fall into shambles.

  8. I do that all the time. Video game marathons work sometimes. Sometimes that doesn't even seem worthwhile to do so I go to sleep before the sun goes down just to escape.

  9. Haha - yeah I know what you mean. "Bitch - I mourn losing my entire life up to this point, not enjoying myself in the present and having no concept of what I want for the future!".

  10. Yeah. I don't hate it I'm just really averse to doing it a lot of the time. Routine has helped me a little bit. But I have gone through long periods of neglecting these things to the extreme in the past. I don't necessarily hate them while I'm doing them... I just am not that motivated to do them.

  11. Yeah. I do both things... I neglect my health by not eating unless totally necessary sometimes (as if it's just "fuel") but then I also like to binge eat large amounts before bed and find it hard to stop until the food is gone, like an addiction type of behavior.

  12. Are you me? I do exactly the same thing with everything you mentioned. I have a weird love-hate relationship with food and I tend to neglect myself, especially when stressed. It’s so hard to break the cycle too which is frustrating because you’re aware that you’re doing these things but stopping is a whole different story.

  13. I know what you mean... sometimes I almost feel like I'm on auto-pilot eating the unhealthy food before bed. Not that I don't enjoy the taste of it, but it's kind of ridiculous to eat a whole tub of ice cream or whatever it might be. Maybe it's my brains "best plan" to acquire a dopamine supply haha.

  14. ugh this is so painfully true. ive been thinking lately that my greatest joy right now is doing stuff so i dont have to be myself (like drugs or heavy drinking or even doing things for other people)

  15. Yes, I was an addict for a long time myself... I still use the same pattern with cigarettes, food, sleep, or video games (achieve some distraction or pleasure, escape self, or like a pressure release valve or something... or maybe just because I don't know what else to do - I'm not 100% sure).

  16. I relate so well to both of you. I have abused alcohol off and on for many years as a result. Especially appreciate the line, "I don't even know what to do with myself when not in the presence of others." The other day I posted something similar, about how I almost feel as if need "permission" to go about my day in a manner I see fit when alone. Or like, however I choose to spend my free time pales in comparison to whatever "I think" others are doing.

  17. Part of my issue is I don't even know how I see fit to go through my free time, haha. I feel like I just try my best to waste it a lot of the time. I feel like I kind of slip into dissociation a bit, but kind of on purpose. I mean sometimes I will just go to sleep early or do something like play a strategy computer game for hours and hours... both of which are kind of just seeking escape. It's frustrating because I want to live a life that rises above this kind of thing, but I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.

  18. Thanks for your post, I can relate a lot. It was largely the same way for me... I have forgiven my family at this point, I think. For a while I raged at them and blamed them very directly. But then eventually I accepted they did their "best", even though their best was a pile of heaping garbage... they are extremely emotionally damaged people, but not "bad" people either.

  19. My parents raised a dog that was as scared of the world as I was, which is kind of ridiculous. The dog had all these fear complexes about things. So oddly enough I can relate to seeing a family dog get fucked up by the same type of treatment that fucked me up. That was actually an early connection I made about it... realizing me and this dog were raised under the same attitudes with comparable results...

  20. I grew up in an environment where expressing anger or even sometimes unhappiness was not okay so I repressed a lot of anger. I'm very friendly usually, but I can also get pushed into a rage like that... throwing shit, maybe smashing something made of plastic, kicking shit...

  21. I'm sorry, I get like that too. I'm getting more resilient to bouncing back from those episodes over time, though. Stress manifests in my body as well and I've gone through periods where I didn't cry but I lost tons of weight, not on purpose. I'm sorry that you're struggling right now... if there's anything you can recognize to do to counter it then try to scan the situation for those... like "I just need to do X for my own sanity" type stuff. Obviously not crazy choices that will blow up in your face later (if you can help it haha) but a lot of times there are boundaries you can draw to keep yourself feeling relatively safer... I hope that ramble is helpful somehow and I send you my hugs.

  22. What a bitch. Some types of people will be like "oh well you don't so there's no problem" and not understand just being told you may is pretty stressful and scary.

  23. I know what you are talking about, I was there grinding to live another day. Than, about five years ago, I finally found inner peace and life got much easier, and this peace is getting stronger.

  24. I'm glad to hear that you've found an inner peace / peace of mind and thanks for sharing. That is really what I need at this point I guess. Reading your reply makes me think more about how this might me my next logical goal to focus on.

  25. The God talk and shame constant in 12 steps is off putting to me, but the relatable experiences are far more of a draw and a positive than those other things are offputting.

  26. I have also improved a lot over some years of therapy, but I still get really bad emotional flashbacks that set me off into suicidal ideation and/or ideas of giving up on sobriety, which would just be completely giving up on life in a symbolic way without actually being dead.

  27. That's kind of how my family was... it was always really avoided and passively treated as really private and it was easy to sense that it made my parents uncomfortable I'd say? The most I got as a sex talk was my dad being like "I'm just going to put these weird books about puberty here on this table, okay?" then leaving the room.

  28. Maybe your parents somewhat semi-passively demonized sex, genitalia, etc. when you were younger? Maybe just in subtle, insidious ways you don't necessarily recall or identify?

  29. Yes, healing can be a difficult path... grieving for a "lost childhood" is a healthy thing I have read. When people say they had a good childhood I don't even understand what that would be like to experience. But I guess it just requires having somebody like your aunt as their main caregiver... someone who competently addresses their emotional needs and makes them feel safe, loved, valued as an individual, etc.

  30. It's really fucked up my sense of time. Trauma can cause "sense of foreshortened future", which can also affect your perception of a personal timeline. I usually can't remember if things happened 1 or 5 years ago... 2 or 4 months ago...

  31. I’m not contemplating violence. I reread what I wrote and yes, it definitely seems like I am. But violence isn’t what I want. It isn’t enough. I want to take from them what they took from me. I’m not going to end their lives physically or anything like that, what good does that do? They get to leave and I still live with what they did? Nope. I’m going to ruin their lives legally, with no wiggle room for doubt. I’m waiting for them to build their lives up more so I can tear them down. I’m not at the end of my rope, I’m at the beginning. My wife says I’m becoming more and more like a super villain and honestly, I don’t care. My hate is crystallized and I’m tired of therapy and I’m tired of being diagnosed. I’d rather just do what I am meant to do: become ridiculously wealthy, buy houses for poor people, and give a short list of people what they gave me.

  32. Well that sounds like a decent plan. I'm all for exposing and punishing people when they do heinous shit. I mean half of me did cheer on that avenging angel guy for what he did. Jacked some old pedo in the head with a hammer - piece of shit pedophile talks with a slur and has to walk with a cane and shit... straight fucked him up. Fuck that worthless piece of shit - I'm glad he got his head bashed. But it didn't get Jason Vukovich anywhere good... so I guess I wish he got away with it at the end of the day... but justice and vengeance are close to the same thing in my mind often times. I'll never shed a tear over a dead rapist of pedophile regardless of circumstance of death... that's for sure.

  33. "I thought back to my experiences as a child… I took matters into my own hands and assaulted three pedophiles. If you have already lost your youth, like me, due to a child abuser, please do not throw away your present and your future by committing acts of violence." - Jason Vukovich

  34. Omw. Narcissism being on a spectrum makes so much sense! Thanks for taking the time to reply. Very helpful!

  35. I'm learning a lot from you today. I wasn't aware of the defined childhood roles from narc parents. Sigh...always more research to do.

  36. I feel my parents are missing out on healing/growth too. I try to gently push them when and where I can...

  37. Putting others needs before your own - you gotta put down boundaries sometimes. It seems like a cliche thing to say but it's real, haha. You have to put your foot down on how much you have to give and how much you need for yourself.

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