being friends with ur exes is a green flag, not a red one

  1. That is the truth!! Who the fuck wants to be friends with a cheater or an abuser etc. Like don't down people because they have the freedom to choose who they allow to remain in their life. If anything I respect people who are willing to cut ties with toxic relationships. Wether it be an EX a friend or family member.

  2. Indeed. My first ex, we stayed somewhat friends, until i moved a few hundred miles away. My most recent ex, i moved across the country to get away from. (Joke, i broke up with her and then got offered a job across the country a month later, oddly enough, she was still calling me)

  3. I get it, I once started dating a girl because we got along really well and she was a really good friend. We didn't work out romantically but after a brief mourning period, where we were unsure of if it became awkward, we went back to being really good friends.

  4. Yes. If they talk everyday, I don't think I'd appreciate that. But if it's once in awhile when something comes up, I find that to be healthy that they remained amicable.

  5. It obviously depends and it isn't a priori a green or red flag, I really don't understand why everyone feels the need to simplify all those complex things.

  6. Breaking up in a healthy and mature way does absolutely not mean you still have to be friends. You can break up and not see eachother again. You path goes different ways presumably.

  7. I have seen too many people remain friends with exes in the hope of reconnecting, or out of fear of losing mutual friends, or to deliberately undermine future relationships, or to seem mature…. to know that, most of the time, a healthy and mature break up means NOT being friends.

  8. To me for the most part I can be friends with someone I broke up with. Unless they were psycho or something. Or sometimes if it is just too painful to be around them after. I basically ghost them.

  9. I don't think OP was implying that, just that they must have ended things well if they can maintain a friendship afterwards.

  10. My best friend is my ex. We get along much better as friends than as lovers, and his current partner is totally fine with me being around. Unusual situation I know, but it works for us.

  11. i’m surprised at a lot of these comments! my ex (mutual breakup but still sucked) and I aren’t best friends, we rarely see each other in person, but I’d still say we’re friends. we still have the same sense in humor, have mutual friends, etc. I would be bothered if a partner asked that we have zero contact

  12. I just broke up with a girl I had long distance thing because she met someone else over where she lives. She really wants to remain friends but I told her I can't. I have no interest in knowing about her adventures with the dude she gave me up for.

  13. I acknowledge with my partner that my former partner was a huge part of my life for a long time and I still care about him. Obviously not romantically anymore but as a person, there’s nothing wrong with that. I even helped his mother out last year when she was having a bout of cancer. We just had realized together that we wanted different things in life and that was fine. Breakup was amicable. Circumstances, people. It shouldn’t be a red or green or whatever color flag.

  14. If I see my exes whilst out and about I will say hi, ask them how they are doing and then carry on with my day, I'm not friends with them but I'm also not bitter nor do I have any ill feelings towards any of them and I hope they are happy in life as I am in mine.

  15. Personally, I half agree. Should you be friends after sharing such intimacy, like talking frequently and hanging out, and expect your current parter to just accept it? No. That’d be unfairly putting them through a range of thoughts and emotions that they didn’t sign up for.

  16. Yes THIS! Like you don’t need to be friends and remain in contact. It just ended well. And if ya ran into each other it would be respectful.

  17. I’m sorry but you can have a healthy break up and be mature without being friends. You don’t need to stay friends. It’s not a green flag. My mom is “friends” with her exes and of course flirts a little and talks to them on the phone without her soon to be fiancé knowing. That’s how it usually ends up too, awkward. Break up and move on.

  18. I'm friendly with most of my exes however I no longer live in the same state as them so my husband isn't concerned, nor, should he be.

  19. I agree to disagree. every person always has slight feelings for someone they used to date and will remember moments with them if they continue to see them. and i’ve seen so many situations where they say “they’re just a friend don’t worry” but that friend tries to slowly slide back into their life. i couldn’t trust it but that’s just me.

  20. Yeah it’s not always “I don’t trust you.” It’s “I don’t trust them.” And why make your life unnecessarily complicated for no real gain.

  21. I mean, not necessarily a green flag. Had 2 different exes who were friends with their ex and cheated on me with......guess who? Their ex. Weird coincidence. Guess the flags aren't always that green.

  22. In most cases I would disagree. I’d say like 90% of people shouldn’t be friends with their exes. Just immediately puts unneeded pressure on any future partners you may have, regardless of how “cool” you and your ex are. I really don’t think it’s fair, but then again there are circumstances in which it can be okay. So agree but disagree I guess…

  23. I dated someone who would constantly go to their ex for "advice" anytime we had a disagreement. It was beyond frustrating because instead of communicating with me, he just went to talk shit with his ex. It got to the point where I felt like a third wheel in their relationship.

  24. Sometimes the healthier end is a clean and straight break. What if they’re staying friends because they’re not really over each other or because their relationship was toxic and they can’t let that go? Or some other situation. I think when people stay friends, it’s usually not best except for very few unique situations.

  25. Idk, it all depends on how long you’ve been broken up. Even if you broke up on good terms, there’s still going to be feelings there for one or both parties. To be purely platonic you need space from one another for a while before trying to reconnect as friends.

  26. I'm at least Facebook friends with almost all my exes, and my wife & I collaborate with her ex pretty well for the kids. Other than my ex-wife, who's Satan incarnate, but I feel good about my record. When somebody keeps referring to ALL their exes as "sociopaths", or "cheaters", it's a terrible sign, although we're all entitled to a few mistakes.

  27. I tried that being friends bullshit once and than my ex tries to make hang with her ex who actively tried to fuck her when me and her started dating in the first place(100% making your exes hang out is the fucking oddest behaviour and I truly do not need that weird toxic bullshit in my life)

  28. My ex and I have a kid together? Okay, sure, we can be amicable. No kid? Fuck that. You can be friendly, but not friends. There’d have to be some very extraneous circumstances, like they donated you a kidney or saved your mom from a fire.

  29. I sort of see where OP is coming from but I would rephrase the statement to say that it's not an automatic red flag if someone is amicable with an ex.

  30. omg yes as a single bloke who co-parents with his former partners i never understood why women see this as a red-flag. Im very proud of the fact i get along with the children's mothers and that we can be civil and work together for the best interest of the children.

  31. I’m pretty sure the red flag is that you have multiple children with multiple different women. This signals that you may be sexually irresponsible or romantically irresponsible or both. No one wants to become the next baby mama but that’s the pattern you’ve established and a woman would be stupid to ignore it.

  32. Maybe it's not the fact that you're friends with an ex but the fact that you have two baby mommas. They may just not wanna deal with that situation.

  33. Agreed. I don’t understand this need to hate someone just because you weren’t romantically compatible.

  34. Naw my ex would tell me that then he cheated on me with his ex after us being together for 5 years. She was married too.

  35. Yeah no. Most of the time, relationships break up because someone fucks up. Imagine fucking up so bad, you made someone who loved you sad enough to not want you near anymore.

  36. I don't agree with you on this, for some reasons. Firstly, now days is more likely that, given the nature of relationship in our times, that the person in question is being neglected or is neglecting something with this ex relationship. What I mean by that is that, or the ex still has feelings, or the person in question does. I know that it isn't 100% of cases, but most of the time, it is. In most cases, people don't understand the other side, and don't view how others feel. It's very likely that someone still feels something, even if it is just sexual attraction. This is the actual problem with this situation.

  37. I have a great relationship with my ex. I don’t think of her as my ex, she’s been family-zoned, and it gives off a vibe that makes my current partner feel at ease.

  38. I’m on cordial terms with most of my exes, and good friends with one. It depends on the circumstances and how things ended. Most people have to break off contact in order to move on. But after enough time has passed and the feelings have gone away, I don’t see anything wrong with having a friendship.

  39. I’m a jealous/petty sort of person so this definitely would not work for me. It would hurt too much.

  40. It's up to both parties if that door is open or not. Accepting it is not and moving the relationship to another level requires some emotional work on both sides, and while some distancing is most likely necessary in order to move on, it's well worth it if that other person is valuable to you beyond the romantic/sexual aspect.

  41. I think thats quite an immature view of relationships. If you're making the decision to not commit to your relationship then you could just cheat on your partner with anyone.

  42. Perhaps it’s just a thought but I don’t understand why you’d end a relationship to then spend energy on a friendship with someone who you didn’t mesh well with intimately. Civility isn’t friendship. Friendships take energy, expecting that from your ex, i feel, is a bit selfish. You two probably spent a ton of energy on each other in the most intimate way and it didn’t work. I say if a genuine friendship happens naturally after time apart great, and if not, great. Depends on the individuals involved and the the perceived value from a friendship. There are too many people in this world to promote friendships with exes just cause it shows “maturity” in some minds.

  43. Not really stupid tho. Just an opinion on something absolutely subjective, so you can't really be stupid if it isn't objectively wrong - the same way being religious/atheist isn't stupid, gods either exist or do not, but that's entirely subjective so neither party is stupid for having their beliefs

  44. Keeping in touch from time to time implies you can break something off without any drama. Being close friends however gives off a creeper vibe.

  45. Being friendly with an ex when you randomly come across them, green flag. Being friends with them, red flag. Imo it’s kind of disrespectful to the current SO to continue to be friends/hang out with your ex.

  46. I agree with this one in most cases. It takes a certain level of maturity and emotional intelligence to be like "yeah this relationship isn't working for ____ reasons, but I value you, so can we be friends?"

  47. You cannot have a new current healthy relationship while still taking to someone else you had a sexual and emotional relationship with. Period.

  48. You're right. My ex was friends with her ex, and he convinced her that hanging herself was the only way out from the grief of her father's suicide. Big green flag, for sure. Her "best friend".

  49. One of the biggest factors that lead my current girlfriend to get involved with me was my relationship to my ex. The two of them are now good friends as well.

  50. I guess? I definitely would never want to be antagonistic with my ex, but I’ll be honest I wouldn’t want my girlfriend regularly hanging out some with an ex. Wouldn’t tell her she can’t obviously but that’s a hard red flag for me

  51. You ever throw up in a cup and think to yourself damn that looks good enough to drink you haven't. It's the sane damn thing with exes, anyone who is a friend with an ex without kids is a massive red flag.

  52. What truly pains me is when 11 year olds wont talk to their "ex boyfriend/girlfriend" after they break up. Like, theres no way an 11 year old could do something that toxic that you refuse to talk to them?

  53. I cannot agree more. I'm friends with every ex I've had (plus or minus one or two really bad ones) and it literally makes sense. If you dated you obviously had things in common for a friendship and it's easy to get along with them if all ended well or forgiveness can be due.

  54. I guess its fine as long as you aren't in another relationship atm. People that still talk to their exes while in a relationship, usually are just keeping them around as a rebound in case it doesn't work.

  55. If I was with someone it was for a reason, they are good people with good hearts and minds. Just because things didn’t work between us romantically doesn’t mean that they can’t be that great person still in my life. Michael and I were close friends for 7 years, then dated and married. We were together for 8 years but eventually realized we were better living apart. It was rough at first but 3 years later we are still close. I don’t see him as “my ex husband”, he is family. When things go wrong we know each other better than anyone else. There is nothing sexual or romantic, just back to the friends we started as but with a richer and deeper care.

  56. Once you break up with someone, move on. It has already been established some sort of sexual attraction exists. Clinging on to someone you were rejected by, or stringing someone along is not cool.

  57. Funny the comment I'm responding to was deleted, for the record I've got plenty baggage, got one kid dead and another 4 that dont want to see me, spent most of me 30s in jail for violence, my life has had MASSIVE consequences you cheeky fucker, but it doesn't mean I can't get on with an ex.....Jesus this site.....

  58. Read somewhere that when one has no problems staying friends after a relationship there were no true feelings to begin with

  59. i feel like the only time it shows emotional maturity is if the breakup was 100% mutual and both parties are on that same page. honestly i very much disagree with your point, I've found it usually shows immense immaturity. most breakups don't go well like that. 9 times out of 10 after a serious relationship, at least one party still has feelings for the other that last a very long time. kinda think being friends with your ex shows that you aren't ready to move on, or to allow them to move on. with my ex, it meant he wanted to keep me on a leash in case he and the girl he cheated on me with didn't work out. it shows somebody isn't ready to let go of that relationship.

  60. Being friendly, sure. But being close? Lol nah I don’t play that sitcom shit. It’s not even an issue of jealousy or trust, it’s just an awkward position to be in, not to mention to put your friends in.

  61. THANK YOU My parents think it’s weird I’m friends with one of my ex’s. He was the only one out of all of them who didn’t manipulate me in any way and he is actually a really nice person with great core values. I talked to my now fiancé about it of course but he has no issues with it just like I wouldn’t have any issues if it were the other way either.

  62. If you get on so well with your ex, go be with them and leave me alone hahaha. I’m not putting up with my girlfriend at her ex boyfriend’s house. If you’re putting up with that, you’re a loser

  63. If I could be friends with my exes, then why not still be with them as friendship should be the basis of any romantic relationship...? You can be civil without being friendly.

  64. I don't know how your friendships work, but no friendship is equal to another. Sometimes it works as a relationship and sometimes it doesn't. It's just as simple as that.

  65. I am not on bad terms with any exs but I am certainly not going to be friends with those people, too many things that can end up being a problem for me, them, my current partner, their current partners. Life is better this way

  66. No lol. Absolutely not a green flag lmao. If u love whoever you are with now, you don't do this to them. Its just gross. Can be courteous but hanging out with ur ex when u have a current partner is just gross. Even if nothing happens.

  67. Ending things and being mature about it is one thing, being friends is a completely different thing. Anecdotal evidence is what it is, but honestly, how many of these exes that are friends wouldn’t get a bang in at the first chance/excuse?

  68. Nah fuck that. Call me toxic. Jelly whatever just no like you don’t have to hate the person but ur ex shouldn’t be calling Ur phone to catch up on life. I’m not here for it

  69. Depend on the situation my ex end the relation because she finally realize she want to become man so I help her along the way to become him. We are still total bro as well.

  70. Cant say I’m friends but I’m on speaking terms with every ex Iv had. Some are still friends that I keep up with on face book and some I actually talk too on a regular basis. I’ve only had one that blocked me, after years she still ask me “why I didn’t I ever love her?” I actually did, but she had a chance to get out of our little town, which she did have a bad rep. In by joining the Air Force, and I told her she was doing the right thing and didn’t try stopping her. Yes, I cried when I dropped her off for her flight.

  71. I think that depends. Like in friend with all my exes and that just because they were in my life for a long time and they mean something to me. I wanna keep them in my life even if they will stop being my lovers. A lot of people don't want to have them in their life anymore. It can be because they know the person it's not good for them but knows they would fall for them again and they don't want that.

  72. The term “red flag” in the context of relationships has the specific use of referring to potentially abusive behaviours, not just things you don’t like.

  73. Agreed. Obviously it depends on the situation and what boundaries are in place, but it's absolutely possible to remain on friendly terms with someone you didn't work out romantically with.

  74. Just like not being friends with your ex is not necessarily a red flag, it all depends on how and why the relationship ended and what your relation to your ex is right now.

  75. If they are on good terms with the ex that's fine. If they are hanging out 1-on-1 a couple times a week, text them every day, and the ex doesn't like you, you are in an open relationship.

  76. To me its more how you talk about your past relationships and deal with them not necessarily if you still talk to them or not.

  77. I really depends on the context, if it was a healthy relationship and understandable situation for the breakup then it would be okay, but if it was a toxic relationship with a lot of issues then it could be a problem

  78. Its a green flag if its a genuine friendship and clearly not a one-sided romance. Most of the exes I am on talking terms with are basically people I wish happy birthday to or like hit up on the holidays.

  79. I agree! I’ve been friends or ended on friendly terms with almost all of my exes and this is 100% for the better. I’m a lesbian so the stereotype applies, but being able to maintain healthy friendships with people that you’ve created such strong bonds with is so good. Like if you’ve truly let go of the relationship there is absolutely no problems being friends with your exes, and I encourage it!

  80. If it was a mature and respectful relationship, yes. It’s totally fine. People who think it’s just an open door to hook up probably shouldn’t look to be in a relationship if they don’t know how to just be friends with someone. If you were in a harsh abusive toxic type relationship please do not ever speak to the person again. THAT is a red flag.

  81. I’ve tried it both ways, and I think no contact is best. However, it was easy because I moved away for work. My most recent breakup I have tried to maintain friendliness to stay involved with out mutual friend group; though, it recently backfired. IMO the only way you can stay friendly in a healthy way is if you can mutually respect each other and forgo any grudges from the relationship. When you’ve dated in the past, you have the power to emotionally hurt the other person worse than normal, so there is a fine line to balance on. My ex abused that power after months of things going well, and I had to cut ties.

  82. Be friends with your exes that you broke up with because life sucks and things didn’t work. Do not be friends with your exes who put knives in your back out of some concept of “being a bigger person” or “showing a positive outlook”.

  83. I'm friends with all my exes and it seems strange to think I couldn't be at least civil to an ex in the future. Scorched earth, lingering resentment, and no contact seems draconian to me, and kind of feels like a red flag. Obviously depends on the situation and the break up. But I've only had mild, civil break ups so maybe idk what the heck I'm talking about.

  84. Me, depends. Had an ex that would brag about how he is still friends with all of his ex's. The comments he would get on MySpace from his ex' was like he was still in a relationship with them. He was a manipulative little shit and I'm so glad I was in a long distance relationship with him...I would have had more regrets then I do now. I beg the universe everyday that his computer has exploded and he lost all pictures of me. He was so mad when I didn't want to stay friends after the breakup because he was so in love with his "perfect score" of all ex's are my friend still mentality."

  85. It reallllly depends. Sometimes staying friends with an ex IS a red flag. Some people are sneaky. It's a case by case thing, but if you're able to have a genuine friendship with an ex and that's what both of you want, then props to you.

  86. It's about context with me. If someone is friends with all their ex's, I worry that they don't actually commit in a relationship or give up easily. It also matters how long after the relationship they make the shift to being friends. Like, if you're regularly breaking up with people over things small enough to make friendship easy right away, I assume you rush into relationships and leave when you find out details you should have known before making it an exclusive relationship.

  87. Yeah I mean I'm friends with my ex's, but we also ended things on amicable terms, it wasn't due to fighting.

  88. I feel like being friendly with an ex, maybe hanging out once in a while. Idk about being in your immediate circle of friends though, unless they were already part of it.

  89. Agreed, could be either, at the very least it does provide evidence that they’re not the type to have psycho meltdowns if it doesn’t work out.

  90. I wouldn’t say “being friends” but more of an acquaintance. Like if i call them its okay and there isn’t any hard feelings or anything. But if i cut my ex completely out of my life, blocking etc. then yea, maybe there is something wrong, especially if it’s multiple exes

  91. These comments are WILD. No one wants you to be friends with your abusers. Part of the reason it is a "green flag" is because you dated someone worth a shit in the first place if you still want to be their friend when you break up. You have to be in a decent spot to attract good people and really be a good person yourself, based in like theoretical laws of the universe.

  92. I’ve remained friends with my very first long term girlfriend since we broke up. It’s been over 25 years now and not once have any of the girls I’ve dated after considered that a green flag. It’s always taken an assload of explaining and reassurance, even though I now live over 1000 miles away from her. I personally don’t really care, but I can assure you that most women do.

  93. Depends entirely on what caused the breakup or divorce. Mutual agreement, that's one thing... But betrayal and cheating??? That's entire diff ballgame.

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