TIFU by purchasing an expensive coffee machine and making a terrible discovery

  1. It was awesome. The most awesome Deus Ex Machina I've ever seen. They set that B plot up in the first minutes of the episode and it culminated in the most out of left field conclusion imaginable.

  2. That episode prompted little me to try drinking 100 cups of coffee to see what would happen. I got to 10 and felt like absolute shite and was like nope nevermind 👋😅

  3. Funnily enough, around 300 cups of coffee is the lethal dose 50%. So you either die or you become superhuman.

  4. I worked with a guy once who would drip brew a triple strong batch of coffee, pour himself a cup, then proceed to scoop instant coffee crystals into the triple brew. I’m not sure how he was alive.

  5. I knew a guy at work who would eat spoonfuls of instant coffee instead of drinking it. Just remembering how he just crunched down on it alone makes me want to gag. Said it worked faster and better. At that point just admit it's time for drugs bro.

  6. add something with niacin in it too to really get the scalp and face tingles from the niacin flush haha. had some starburst flavored C4 energy drink from a gas station a while back and didn't realize it was slam packed with caffeine and niacin, I enjoyed it.

  7. Used to get that taking ephedrine back in the day. Full on head tingles when you ran your fingers through your hair.

  8. I hear these descriptions and I don't understand. If I have too much caffeine I just get anxious and clammy. My heart races, but that's about the only sensation I share with OP. Sometimes when I have too much it almost makes me feel more tired or something.

  9. ...and here I am just randomly dumping unmeasured coffee grounds in a $14 drip machine using water straight from the tap...

  10. Same. And I like it. Getting in to anything to this extent (coffee, wine, whiskey) sounds stressful as fuck to me. I like all those things, and I know when I like a glass/cup and when I don't. But that's enough for me.

  11. Unmeasured- same here! Provides variety in the experience. Too much or too little I never know. Plus the huge benefit of a drip machine of setting it up the night before and waking up to coffee all ready to pour and go.

  12. If you like it like that I recommend continuing on that way. Coffee gets very expensive, very fast. And when you get into it too far you become so picky, everything tastes inferior. It's a double edged sword for sure.

  13. I recommend at least using filtered water (like from a Brita pitcher). It makes coffee like 2x better. Using a scale for proper weight too will get you 90% of the way there imo.

  14. You beast, how dare you. I only use beans regurgitated from Japanese hot spring monkeys. Each bean is individually roasted over open flame of endangered eucalyptus trees. Then ground with hand carved stones from Mount Etna. Water is minerally and acid balanced. Come on get with the program. :)

  15. I just watched the movie Over the Hedge last night, based on the comic strip. It's nothing spectacular, but it was fun. Hammy is already a hyperactive squirrel with superhero speed (think Dash from The Incredibles), but at the end, he drinks a 6x energy drink of some kind. Time stops. He wanders leisurely through a backyard. You can see lasers turn on and the light slowly cross the yard while he casually wanders away, happy as can be.

  16. I mean it is true, pretty much everyone close to me in my life has ADHD and this is how they react to caffeine. I have to consume caffeine just to get on their normal level lol. My baby sis is unofficially barred from having Starbucks when she comes over because she drinks almost exclusively frappes (16 yo white girl, what do you expect?) And the caffeine mellows her a little but the sugar turns her into a goddamn Energizer bunny right around the time her meds wear off... I swear she speaks at speed unachievable by humans and I usually talk quite fast.

  17. This is a great tale. My favorite part is that you are such a coffee nerd you buy a machine with water quality test strips, but actually not a coffee nerd at all because you didn’t even look into the ratios you were using for your drip coffee. Lolol.

  18. See, I knew of the world of brew ratios, but I didn't bother getting seriously into it until I upgraded my gear, as I presumed that no amount of precise measuring would get the best results on my weak drip machine. The weak-ass brew I was accidentally making was fine, until now

  19. Not necessarily. Hoffman’s attitude allows him to quite enjoy suboptimal coffee. He recently did a bracket of supermarket brand coffee, and while he dissed some of them, he noted that quite a few of them were decent. He’ll drink bad coffee and look for the good parts of it. He makes every effort to appreciate coffee regardless of how it was made.

  20. He was in a recent Wired video where he answers questions from twitter. Midway through the video he busted out a coffee siphon and thought that was absurd.... so I added it to my wishlist, ugh.

  21. I bought a bripe for the sheer lunacy of it. It's... Pretty bad. The filter doesn't do a good job keeping grinds out of your mouth, so I hope you like eating coffee.

  22. As long as they stay under 400mg caffeine per day it's still considered within healthy range.

  23. I looked up what 300ml looks like (because I'm American), this person is drinking 2-3 biggish mugs per day. There was a time where I was soloing a pot or more per day. DuckDuckGo says that's about 1700 ml. Dude's a lightweight.

  24. OPs machine is a Breville also. The picture says something different but I have a Breville precision brewer and it looks identical

  25. Lol yeah the second he said "drip coffee" I knew where this was going. I down a 12cup moka every single day.

  26. Breville is the same as Sage that OP listed. Sage is sold in Europe, Breville everywhere else.

  27. I thought you were going to link to something like a $1200 machine. This is nothing for something you enjoy every day of your life.

  28. Yeah I scrolled way too long to see if anyone else mentioned this. I was honestly thinking it was gonna be a several thousand euros/pounds/dollars coffee machine.

  29. I came into the thread to see some $10,000 machine linked. We bought a $1200 bean-to-cup machine because we drink a lot of coffee and we're normal people.

  30. So sorry to hear about your sweet cat. Life is so hard sometimes. I sure hope you feel better soon. Glad this post made you laugh. It did me too! Esp the paragraph starting with the fly in slow motion! OP needs to write more.

  31. I'm sorry for your loss. I just recently got my first cat ever, so I can't imagine the pain you're going through.

  32. I once ate a protein bar then went swimming. It had a lot of caffeine in it, felt like I dead drank a litre of vodka after a few laps. Locked myself in the changing room and lay on the bench wrapped in my towel for an hour.

  33. I took my adderall one morning, worked for a few hours, then because I was visiting LA, went to hike Griffith park with some friends.

  34. I had the same thought — damn, that coffee must be strong, because it seems they skipped right past jitters and straight to a lite version of Fry's 100 cups.

  35. Been there my friend. You're going to have a really bad headache tomorrow. Drink lots of water, eat bananas and bread to soak up the caffeine. Then gradually adjust to your new baseline.

  36. That description of coffee now makes me want to try that out but I'll have to control myself as I'm not used to such strong brewed coffee either.

  37. I don't drink caffeine at all. I went for a run and consumed one of those gels beforeb starting out. I had got it as a freebie at a race. I didn't realize it had caffeine in it. I felt like the fucking Flash. Everything seemed moving in slow motion around me.

  38. I once was training a friend at an old job for an overnight shift, she brought coffee for us to drink, it was Death Wish brand. We measured out the proper amount of coffee, and there wasn't enough for even a 1/4 pot after so we just added it, mind you, we were brewing in an industrial coffee machine so it was a massive pot. Biggest mistake ever.

  39. James Hoffman has a lot to answer for. I find myself captivated by his videos and the sheer detail he goes into when making a coffee. I switched from regular plain ol' instant to grinding my own beans and brewing it properly. Only then to realise instant coffee served a purpose in the mornings getting up with the kids. And I'll be dammed if I can justify spending an hour grinding, brewing, performing sacrificial rituals and harvesting the blood of first newborn of the Pentecost just for a cup of coffee

  40. It is a ritual for Puerto rican girls to give this experience to each of their partners. Puerto rican coffee is on another level to begin with and we brew it strong, like our ancestors. When we take a new love home to our kitchen it is customary to make them a cafecito and laugh as they vibrate all the shit right out of themselves an hour later.

  41. If you’re a serious coffee nerd, you should focus your money into a quality burr grinder. I prefer French press but a good grinder will make you coffee ten times better than any brewing method. Getting a good burr grinder will cause your taste buds to say holy shit.

  42. I got the Sage Precision Brewer, on Hoffmann's recommendation. I would not have bought it for full price, but Black Friday deals meant I got nearly £100 off so I couldn't refuse. It really does change everything

  43. Tomorrow, go and try the old drip machine with the right amount of coffee, and then weep at the money you've just wasted.

  44. My wife loves coffee. Like, an ungodly amount of coffee. I don't drink caffeine anymore, heart palpitations n shit, but when I did...oh boy. I didn't know what Nitro Cold Brew was or is. I saw a plastic sealed cup of coffee in the fridge, I've got a longish day and dinner with my parents later, so I poured myself about 3/4 pint glass and a dash of cashew milk. I drink it while getting ready for dinner. I notice it's super bitter, maybe just a bit old? No mold, so I drank the rest.

  45. Make that with Death Wish Coffee, and like me you might get to work before you realize you left the car at home.

  46. Try brewing the right amount on your old coffee maker and let us know how the taste compares to the new one

  47. In college, I had a classmate who would drink and entire bottle of Stok cold brew (the big ones they sell at the grocery store) in one morning. Even after that he'd still have a resting heart rate of around 60 bpms. Idk how it's possible but he was kinda an intense kid. I drink my one latte every morning and even that I don't usually finish. It's more about the ritual of holding the warm mug when it's cold and the little bit of caffeine to help with my headaches. Even just 8 occasional ounces of cold brew has me damn near seeing the Time Knife lol.

  48. I'm finding it hard to believe that this isn't an ad for a coffee maker. The one pictured at the top, linked at the bottom, and described in depth despite not being relevant beyond coming with an instruction book.

  49. i remember when once, after pulling an all-nighter, i did triple my normal dose of caffeine. i was shaking all day, and my heart was quite literally palpitating. we all experience this once, but damn i have never seen it expressed so well.

  50. Less of a fuck up, more of a infomercial for over-doing stimulants. Thumbs up Sir, changing lives

  51. Thse posts of coffee people that uptake their usual dose of caffeine always make me chuckle, yall cowards don't even smoke crack.

  52. Hahahahahaha. My parents make the worst coffee on earth. Like, the coffee at AA meetings & funerals taste like a perfect mug of Blue Mountain medium roast coffee in comparison. Shit looks and feels like an oil spill & tastes like artificial espresso extract mixed with battery acid. We’ve tried everything, everything, and no matter what they do it’s always like that. So I drank green tea growing up for “caffeine” and soda was rare. When I started working as a barista my freshman year of college, I was shocked to discover that coffee is actually delicious. Since I opened every morning (had to be to work by 5:45am) I drank an astonishing amount of coffee. Then I learned I have IBS!!! And not only does coffee fuck me up, but so does caffeine, which I rarely drank enough of before to notice. My apologies that you had to learn about coffee shits the hard way. On the bright side, you’ll never need X-Lax again.

  53. “I can hear the passage of time,” is so good. It reminds me of when I went through something similar with too much caffeine and I said, “I can hear the air.”

  54. you know your way around words my friend. It has been long since reading about someone drinking too much coffee was so enjoyable for me :)

  55. I too am a follower of the Hoff, who has lead me to spend absurd amounts of money on a ridiculously priced espresso machine and grinder which I love dearly. I came here to inform you that while you are upgrading your life, I highly reccomend your next (and immediate) upgrade be a bidet. My $35 bidet from Amazon has been as life changing as my incredible morning Americanos. Nothing like a nice, clean, refreshing pressurewash after performing your morning post coffee offering to the Porcelain God. I'm sure James Hoffman would agree.

  56. It’s cute that you think three cups of coffee makes you a heavy coffee drinker. My coworker goes thru at least two pots a day.

  57. Reminds me of the guy who tried to make his own pre workout and misread the label. He added 1000times the lethal dose of caffee to it and died lol

  58. Hope the best for ya OP but your sacrifice has started a chain reaction of curiosity- Im now on a mission to acquire this coffee; I also want my tastebuds to feel a Columbian coffee bean farmer.

  59. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. That last paragraph, the first sentence had me cackling so hard I stopped reading, only to die laughing even harder with each subsequent sentence. Thank you for this.

  60. I'm on a Diet Coke's worth of caffeine right now and I feel anxious and jittery. I can't imagine what would happen if I did the same as you. God speed

  61. "I'm used to drinking four 8oz whiskey and cokes when I cut loose on a Friday night. My friend convinced me that drinking whiskey without the mixer is way better, so I bought a bottle and took the plunge. I just finished my fourth 8oz pour of straight whiskey and suddenly I feel like I'm going to throw up..."

  62. OP, go back to 20g per and put a teaspoon of coffee liqueur in your cup. Mo betta. Booming flavor. No wicked buzz. No roto rooter.

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