You're heads up at the final table of the main event...

  1. Well, Dick, here's the deal: I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I'm just a--just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last! You know? You know what I mean?

  2. They say there's no two people on Earth exactly the same. No two faces. No two sets of fingerprints. But do they know that for sure? Because they would have to get everybody together in one huge space and obviously that’s not possible, even with computers. And not only that, they’d have to get all the people who've ever lived, not just the ones now. So they got no proof. They got nothing. Mrs. Soprano may have passed but who’s to say there isn’t another Mrs. Soprano just like her, or will be? Maybe not with the same fears and paranoia but the same. What I’m saying is…

  3. You know they say that all men are created equal, but you look at me and you look at Smoa Joe and you can see that statement is not true.

  4. “we all have a 33 and a 3rd % chance of winnin, but I, have a 66 and 2/3s% of winning, because kurt angle KNOWS he can’t beat me, so he’s not even going to try! So Samoa Joe you take your 33 and a 3rd % chance minus my 25% chance, and you got an 8 and a 1/3% chance of winnin, at sacrifice. But when you take my 75% of winnin if we was to go ONE ON ONE, and then add 66 and 2/3 chanc-percents, I got 141 and 2/3rds chance of winning at sacrifice. SEE JOE, THE NUMBERS DONT LIE, AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT SACRIFICE.”

  5. Some day, I suppose its possible for someone to be a better no limit hold'em player than me. I doubt it, but it could happen. But, I swear to you, I don't see how anyone could ever play shithead better than me.

  6. “What are you going to do with all the money” “Well I owe some people some money so start by paying them back” “What about the rest of it” “They will just have to wait”

  7. I'd like to thank 43s which if I hadn't 6bet jammed all in from UTG on the very first hand I would have never won.

  8. There's no one that can match me. My table image is impetuous, my C-bets are impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!

  9. “Do you folks ever have any tournaments with challenging opponents or are they all easy like this one?

  10. Since I just rewatched Silicon Valley I would have to go with "This guy fucks!" maybe with double thumbs pointing at myself.

  11. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever...

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