I hate sucking at things, and won't try anything new because I feel inferior and want to do it perfectly the first time [NeedAdvice]

  1. I have a tendency to struggle making the small goals. I often feel if I had someone give me a paper with goals I’d be golden. I can’t think, oh that’s obviously my first step, and this would be my second etc. Thoughts?

  2. One of my favorite things to do is to “2.0” projects. For example, I built a small trebuchet in my basement. The 1.0 version was not as stable or strong as I wanted. So after a few days to rethink it I took it apart, and rebuilt it better. Also the 2.0 version would fit up the stairs.

  3. I agree! My husband never STARTS anything due to perfectionism! For example; he was critical of my first attempt to stain an interior door. I sanded the minor imperfection and restrained it. Viola! He literally would have left an interior door unfinished and have the handyman install it looking so bad. I realize my limitations but realize I am more capable than he gives me (or himself) credit for. If he "won't" do basic household maintenance I hire someone whether he likes it or not!

  4. OMG this is one of the most helpful things I have read in a long time, and it particularly pertinent right at this moment. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this out.

  5. Loveee this. Screw meditation (I have adhd) I will just work on my flow. (By killing the focus killers, they had lived a way too long life).

  6. When did I post this? This is 100% me down to the INFP, ADHD, depression and anxiety. What’s your shoe size?

  7. if you guys are similar in the way that i know infpa (being one)... yall never gonna message eachother / youll get too anxious to stick to it. or itll work for like a day. so fun being infp & anxious 😵

  8. Dang, first I thought I wrote the post, then I thought I wrote all these replies (seriously, was even planning the same phrasing). Glad I’m not alone, I guess?

  9. @everyone We might as well start a club. I know ya’all cuz all of you are me and we’re not gonna end up doing anything about this but we gotta do something. I’m not kidding.

  10. I’m similar. I have a lot of anxiety. When I want to start something, I want to do it well the first time. I know being good at something takes time and effort. However when it comes to starting something I get paralyzed at the thought of not doing it well from the get go.

  11. That's called the fixed mindset. Learn how to change to a growth mindset. There's a good book called Mindset by Carol Dweck. Might be helpful.

  12. The same happens to me, I don't take the plunge unless I know beforehand I will do it perfectly. Keep rowing we can do it and we will as long as we keep looking forward to improving ourselves!

  13. This theory helped me a lot. It's called growth mindset and basically boils down to effort vs. natural talent. Everybody starts somewhere and changing your mindset will help you to see that failing is a result of growth and not failure.

  14. Your goal should not be perfect quality. Quality is developed by practice only, and lots of it. Your goal should be consistency of output: do it every day. Being consistent, doing something every day is the goal that makes the best good at what they do. The skills come with practice, and practice is only useful with consistency.

  15. Long term solution: figure out your issue with failure. See a therapist if you need to. You can’t let this keep preventing you from living. You deserve better.

  16. Hey, look up rejection sensitive dysphoria. Its unique to ADHD and makes it feel almost unbearably painful to try and fail at something new. This would be a great issue to work on with a therapist or coach who specializes in ADHD. Could be brief, focused therapy.

  17. The philosophy of "sucking at something is the first step of being good at something" is always going to be helpful.

  18. I’m guessing you were the smart lazy kid? I naturally pick things up pretty quick but there seems to be a sharp falloff. For example somethin that’ll take someone an hour to learn will take me 10 minutes. 2 hours 20 minutes. But as soon as something takes me 30 minutes to learn I give up because I never learned perseverance where the other person will go on to practice 10 hours & far surpass me. Not a humblebrag I promise it’s more of a self deprecation. It’s been a struggle ever since i graduated high school. Persevered through college thankfully but that was a struggle towards the end as well. It did teach me how to stick with something all the way through. It’s a daily battle but try to take it one small step at a time as the other comments mention.

  19. This might get lost but I would recommend listening to Brené Brown's podcast, Unlocking Us. The very first episode discusses this exact issue.

  20. I have this “problem” too and here’s my take on it: why go for shallow when you can go for the deep dives?

  21. When I was growing up, I had a “successful” uncle who would always tell me “if you’re gonna do it - do it right the first time” and for the longest time, I believed him til I was 15-16 yrs old. That man had multiple divorces and was a substance abuser - he was never in a position to dictate such words.

  22. I kind of skimmed the comments so I apologize if this has been said but my favorite way of getting over the hump is to Do It Bad On Purpose.

  23. You might benefit from starting formal, structured lessons in something with a high skill cap. I take violin and ice skating lessons - violin I started as a 9 year old, ice skating as an adult. There are 5 year olds better than me in both. I will never do it perfectly, it's really hard, and I make no noticeable improvement week to week.

  24. I have ADHD as well. There are several comorbidities that people with ADHD tend to have, including depression, anxiety, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and dyspraxia. Those are the ones I have, anyway, and there are others.

  25. I don't remember where but I've heard if you invest 20 hours doing something you are already better than the average person. So if you try 20 hours of digital art regular people will say you draw well...

  26. The fact that you're aware of this about yourself is great. This was something I had difficulty grasping and was in utter surprise and denial when my therapist told me I was a perfectionist - primarily because of my fear of failure. I didn't quite understand why immediately.

  27. I have also been this way for pretty much my entire life. I have a goal to develop a game, but whenever I open up blender to make a model or audacity to make a song, I can't do anything and I just get upset at myself for being such a failure. I hope that I will be able to overcome this one day.

  28. I feel you on this! I was very similar to you in not trying certain things bc I wanted to be perfect right away or getting frustrated and quitting too soon. I also struggle w/ anxiety and depression.

  29. Maybe you've heard of this, but applying something like SMART goals might be helpful. That is:

  30. I hear you. I'm having the same problem. I believe I'm making progress with this and the solution is fairly simple. Yes, you are right. The answer is always just do it and it does work.

  31. Well, dear, it would be nice, but nobody gets to just magically be good at everything immediately. 😊 And people who are good at things know this and won’t judge (or shouldn’t) because they had to work to achieve xyz, and so they understand it’s a process. Maybe accept that it takes more than a wish to truly achieve things in life? And that not being an expert isn’t something only you experience, but everyone? I can’t tell if you mean you are embarrassed unless you’re perfect because you think everyone is thinking bad thoughts or whatever but people are generally kind when they see someone trying. You may feel more “included” and therefore immune from scrutiny if you ask someone for help and get involved with the people you fear may reject you. Again, not sure if I’m off base there. Good luck! 🍀 I do know it can be scary, though. But trust in people and they will help if they are truly committed to whatever you are learning. If they don’t, you have the wrong people.

  32. I think at the end of the day you just have to stop making excuses and just go for it. Maybe what you need is to feel embarrassed and inadequate. That’s the price you have to pay to get better at things.

  33. No one is perfect, not even noble-winning scientists, be kind to yourself when you fail, only then you'll see yourself growing.

  34. Just start doing stuff. If you enjoy it you’ll keep doing it. If you want to be awesome at something you have to enjoy spending time doing it for the sake of it, not for the outcomes. I personally like a lot of different things, none of which I’m particularly good at, but I do them because I enjoy the creative process. And occasionally the outcome. Seek what brings you joy, not the badge of expert

  35. Try in private, I’m the same way and do this. Bowling team, I’d go once or twice on my own before practicing with others. Looking for a new hobby, tried crocheting since that was a solo activity. This led to more comfort being bad at things and now I’m not so scared to step outside my comfort zone.

  36. I read it as “I hate sucking on things” and was SO confused! Like maybe op is concerned about giving a blowjob?? I’m sorry I had to get that out haha

  37. You be you. Otherwise, how are those you want to connect with, going to find you? Maybe you being you and doing a thing you’re passionate about, is what someone special is seeking and needing.

  38. Something that worked for a friend was actually going into it with the intention of failing. He came to me with his daily drawings (his daily fails as he called them) and pointed out what he liked about the drawing and what he needed to work on.

  39. Try to find things where you can fail repeatedly without any serious consequences. We learn through failure.

  40. Imo, you should find a friend to do stuffs with. Failing with a friend is so much better than failing alone. And if you do anything for the first time, you will fail a lot.

  41. As someone who plays board/video games - you are supposed to lose your first fifty, even hundred games. There is a destination, but journey before destination, my friend.

  42. My kid is 6 and has been going through the same thing. So this is simplified advice to a 6yo, I don't actually know if it'll help here. But it helped me look at things differently so I put it out into the world.

  43. What you're feeling is valid and normal. The fact that your have (please pardon me, I don't know the polite descriptor) a mental condition makes things more complicated. If you can afford professional advice, you should absolutely get it.

  44. Might have been said already but: take lessons or follow a course. It pushes you to take small steps and teaches you basics which you will always need. I often attempt difficult stuff and get discouraged because it’s way above my level of skill, lessons circumvent this.

  45. Wow bro, I’m going through the same pains rn. I’m an ENFP with adhd/depression/anxiety (I hate reducing myself to that but it’s the truth rn unfortunately) and I feel fucking immobilized. I want badly to get my life together and start but the task always seems so insurmountable and I put it off for what seems like ages now.

  46. Well, practice comparing you to who you were yesterday. Not others or other people's results. I know this is cliche but it really helps and it is worth the shot

  47. First off, I completely empathize with your calculated smart approaches to rolling the dice on self growth and fulfillment. I myself believe preparing and practicing is KEY to successful achieving goals no matter how small. But hear me out, because I am living proof of this and if I can do anything I set my mind to, then surely, positively you can to. Here it goes.... Intelligent people have a knack for thinking of every possible outcome or results in failure to feed their ego. Boldness, and especially acceptance for what is out of our control, and looking at life in a day by day (how can I do better today than I did yesterday) perspective is not only refreshing, it opens the genuine chance to really learn from shortcomings. The trick is not to get emotional. You've got this, you don't need prove a damn thing to no one and nothing. Just a side note.... philosophically, there are two kinds of people. There are Realists and Idealists. You may all ready know this but in the hopeful chance I can hell anyone reading this, ill roll the dice ;) Realists take pragmatic approaches to their perspectives, they need facts, I don't want to hear anything "It is what it is" there are pros and cons to both sides. Realists easily ACCEPT things for how they are and what they are respectively. Idealists are the dreamers the clouds hehe (I am a dominant Idealist) they wonder and approach things for how they COULD be, and should be. They struggle with acceptance but they are also responsible for the future, taking facts and making them what they ought to be. I myself personally have decided to focus on my weakness and lack of realism, and are stepping in to discomfort, stress and the unknown for the goal of becoming well rounded, not PERFECT. This is acceptable, but it wasn't easy and yes I am growing and am loving the stimulation that I receive from executing the lack of perspective (Realistic). I hope this helps. I know you've got this! Become aware that your are so much more capable of things than your THINKING you are, stick to the positive light, Intelligence is powerful when adjusted.

  48. The biggest gift you can give to yourself is accept with absolute certainty that you are the worst in the world at EVERYTHING you do for the first time. And that’s not only OK, it’s beautiful. From that perspective, you are free to fuck up completely without judging yourself.

  49. Classic ADD symptom: difficulty accepting challenges/setbacks when trying new pursuits. Me last night: griping and cursing while skim-coating two of my rooms. Pissed my wife off big time but ya know what... 20 mins in I settled down and I realized it wasn’t a big deal. Refocused and the rooms looked decent when I finished. The trick is to keep at it and find a coping mechanic that works for you. For me, aside from uhhh “verbally expressing my frustration” I’ve taken to a quick walks around the block, quick breathing exercises, throwing the ball with the dog, etc. My point is, find a temporary distraction and then get back to whatever it is you’re doing. Edit: words

  50. Focus on your Anxiety and Depression and the rest should sort itself out. This may mean using a lot of different techniques, do some research. But that what’s causing all the extra brain static.

  51. for me, I try to do it alone/privately. So if I fail I can reevaluate what I did without having people watching. then I get better and more comfortable and do it around other people

  52. One of the most vital skills of success is resistance to frustration. It sounds like you get frustrated very fast. If you want to be successful, you need to confront this, and deal with that frustration. Because sucking is the first step to doing anything, and there comes a lot of frustration with learning (if you don't manage your own emotions properly).

  53. Its okay to realize that we are quite inferior compared to the total happening of the universe. The advise here is to accept your inferiority and not to run from it Also to never give up trying to be good at things that we like to do. And being able to reach all our goals dont make us superior to anyone really... but just makes our happiness last longer

  54. Just to give you some context: I quitted two majors because I was to afraid to fail. In the last 6 months I've been working with a psychologist in getting better at dealing with my perfectionism and self criticism. I also got diagnosed with OCPD. What I would like you to know is the same thing I wish I had realised sooner: in order to succeed you first will fail and fail a lot, that's just part of the process. Honda's founder said "Success is 99 percent failure". I know you probably want to fix things as fast as possible but don't go changing everything at once, set small goals and try to work on a few of them, once they're easy to do go to the next one. Consistency is key to real progress, getting 1% better each day is better than working hard for a short period of time. Planning is good but it has no use if its preventing you from getting into action. I don't know if that's the case but sometimes I avoided doing something because I thought I had to have a good plan before getting started. Truth be told I was only avoiding failure and procrastinating. Sometimes I had which seemed some good points to why I should delay things but if look closely they were all excuses. In other words: done is better than perfect. You'll have to eventually stop looking for answers online and start acting. The last thing is that your fear is counter productive. You avoid doing new stuff because you're afraid of failure but the only way you're 100% sure going to fail is by not trying. You're missing a lot of opportunities by not taking chances so you're not even giving you the chance to succeed in it. Start seeking discomfort in every small oportunity. For example I was always uncomfortable with getting to know new people because I was to afraid that I wasn't going to impress them turns out I was missing some good oportunities to make connections and not impress strangers it doesn't feel that bad too. Eventually you will realise that not trying is more damaging than failure. It helps if you see failure as a feedback on what you should improve. You can always improve as long as you keep trying.

  55. No one and I'll repeat it, no one started good at something. Every person you look up to or compare yourself with started at the same place as you. Believe me when I tell you that the most enjoyable parts of getting good at something are the small victories throughout the journey but you need to be consistent and not give up, I know it might be hard at times even more if you compare yourself to others but, focus on your own journey and set small goals that you can achieve along the way. I'm also a INFP so I kind of know what you are feeling, I started a music career 6 years ago and at the beginning I always compared myself to others but I just kept doing my own thing and focusing on myself and this year after a lot of self improvement, I got my first record deal ever. Remember it's you own journey and yours alone so take it easy, enjoy it and most importantly have fun with whatever you are trying to do!

  56. Maybe a random suggestion, but I recommend trying Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Besides the fitness benefits, It’s perfect for training your brain to see the connection between time / effort and results. Also, EVERYONE sucks balls their first day on the mat. You don’t get hurt, but you get defeated in a way that it’s impossible for your ego to hold onto the idea that you don’t suck. You just have to embrace the suck and get a little better every day. It’s actually a lot of fun.

  57. We are all our own harshest critic I think. The awkward period is when you are just starting out and can see how awful you are at the new task. But really nobody else knows, it's just you noticing. Try to persevere, eventually you'll get to a point where you can feel confident in what you're doing.

  58. I’m the same way. What works for me is that I continually remind myself that I wouldn’t expect a baby to run a mile right out the gate, and anyone who does is a horrible person. I don’t want to be a horrible person to anyone else, so why do I think it’s ok to treat myself that way. Then I find out how long on average it takes someone to reach proficiency, tack on a multiplier for my brain damage and resulting cognitive deficiency and tackle it anyway. Although I am still miffed that my brain damage didn’t result in my becoming a musical savant and that a high dose of radiation didn’t give me super powers, but I’m pressing on anyway.

  59. Take the pressure away. No one needs to see you fail while you are learning how to be comfortable with it. Pick some small stakes things, things that aren’t important to you to be good at, and practice them in private. Sing in the shower or the car, get a jump rope and see if you can get back to how easy it was at a kid. Heck, get a dang hula hoop. By starting with low stakes you can get more comfortable with sucking at stuff.

  60. Instead of trying to do things differently you could take a philosophical approach and try to change your output and view on learning instead.

  61. Dude, sucking at something is the first step to becoming sort of good at something. -jake the dog

  62. I’ll tell you one flow killer: open office workspaces. Nothing more annoying than coworker chit chat and interruptions when you’re keying in on deep work. I hate the push for open offices.

  63. You will have to get over this or it will paralyze any future growth. You mention ADHD, depression and anxiety. Is it controlled (medication, strategies, support, etc)? That would be a start do see if it is inhibiting you.

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