Why do many women no longer desire sex after marriage?

  1. I don’t think it’s usually due to marriage directly, but after a certain number of years in a relationship with someone. There can be a few different factors, some of which men tend to cause, and some they do not.

  2. Yes and I wish i knew what all these deleted comments said lol. The pain. Unfortunately it's so common and im just gonna say it but circumcision can be a big reason for me. My ex was huge and uncut and for some reason I never felt that friction, pain and dryness. Also lots of men in general give 0 fks on if she's ready and turned on. It hurts. And they don't care. We don't feel safe. So we don't want sex. Pretty simple.

  3. Typically their husbands become their children. Incompetent, unable to care for themselves. So the wives take on a mothering role to their husbands, and their husbands behave as if they're the sons of their wives.

  4. I wanted sex with my "beta" ex way more than my alpha one because he didn't stress me tf out. I didn't feel under attack. I had to chase my beta. He wasn't screaming or bitching. I was relaxed. "Safe" can actually be sexy. Most men can't parent either. They think showing up for a soccer game is going above and beyond. Dead weight and stress dries me up.

  5. instead of projecting your marital woes, why not be mature and seek marriage counseling ? It’s absolutely asanine that one would bet, choose and marry a partner then complain about their inadequacy when things don’t work out. Accountability is key. Smh

  6. Because Woman( and Men for that matter) haven’t evolved to maintain rabid sexual attraction to their partner for a lifetime. Her husband could be Chris Hemsworth and after a while the novelty would still wear off. People often forget the primary reason sex exists is for procreation. That we can also use it recreationally and as a pair bonding device is a happy by product but it’s not it’s fundamental “purpose”. The sexual honeymoon period-where Woman are just as horny as their partner-exists as the window of opportunity for a Woman to get knocked up. After she has had ample time to do so she enters child raring mode rather than child producing mode(even if she hasn’t actually got children). Men generally don’t have the same drop off because they are of course not the ones “designed” to take the burden of child raring. Of course this is a linear evolutionary explanation for what is occurring. Living in modern day society and navigating man made institutions like marriage is obviously a lot more complicated and nuanced.

  7. Men also change after marriages. Men will think they got the girl, job done. I can stop impressing her, initiating dates, trying out new stuff, etc. along that, they may also stop contributing around the house and she may feel you have changed or acting like a child and no one wants to sleep with a deadbeat/child

  8. I once saw a video where a man made a comment to his wife about how she didn’t want to have sex anymore. She bluntly asked him, “You can’t even wipe your pee off the toilet seat, and you expect me to be attracted to you?”.

  9. I don’t have this issue personally. Being the younger one in the marriage by 10 yrs, I have the way higher sex drive. Although, I think mine is higher than average to begin with.

  10. DB forum is literally the only place on planet earth with any measurable number of women who want sex but aren’t getting it. No: there are NOT an equal number of women suffering from an uninterested spouse. At least 10 or 20 men for every one woman.

  11. Hmm that's a good point, I guess it can happen to either gender. It does suck though because sex is an implicit part of any relationship and when that sex fades away, especially right after you get married you can feel cheated on some level.

  12. Most people cohabitate to some extent before marriage. They, at the very least, spend enough time together that those things should be clear before they get married. I understand that a child can make it complicated but I'm talking about cases where womens libidos suddenly nosedive after marriage sans children.

  13. I see, i guess that makes sense given women's deeper emotional connection with sex and sexuality in general. A crappy partner would be a turn off for anyone. Thanks for the perspective.

  14. Nothing was sexier to me than seeing my husband step into his role as a father. I literally can’t get enough of him. I already found him so sexy, and I thought he’d be a great dad, but actually seeing him father our baby? There’s nothing like it.

  15. Personally as a woman, I'd say I enjoy sex equally or more than my male partner, but we also both work to pleasure each other, communicate, and maintain a healthy relationship as well as balance responsibilities in our life. He works full time, I work part-time and am a full time student. He focuses on managing our finances, doing chores I can't, and I focus on caring for our house since I work from home. I never feel like I'm taking care of a manbaby, we mutually treat each other with respect and love. We have been living together for nearly 2 years now, and though our sex drives have waned and waxed, regardless of if we're being super sexually active, we always spend quality time together. Not every touch is sexual, hell, most aren't. We give each other massages after stressful days, he makes me coffee in the morning before he leaves for work, I make him dinner when he gets home. We cuddle and watch movies, play video games, and go for walks together... Even if we only have sex twice a month, we still have intimacy, and we communicate with each other what we need, so our love stays the same...

  16. I lost my libido with my ex because he turned out to be a jerk and incompatible with me. He also gained weight and stopped going out and being productive. All huge turn offs that made me grossed out having sex with him.

  17. I don’t have a problem with any of that, but if I as a man lost attraction to my gf if she gained weight, I would be considered an irredeemable piece of shit. IMO, it’s fully justifiable to lose attraction in someone who loses respect for their own body.

  18. All those single moms with 3 kids on tinder seem to have lots o time to fool around with strangers so that's not the main factor

  19. Has a father of two young children this is certainly, but I strongly urge couples to make it a point go keep having sex regularly no matter what. You need to view it as something greatly important to maintaining a healthy relationship.

  20. I think a big one that a lot of people don't mention is that people get out of shape and less attractive, either their partner doesn't want to have sex with them that way, or they don't want to have sex at all when out of shape due to insecurities. This happens to men and women too haha

  21. Women use sex to obtain power and relationships. When you give it all away guess what happens?

  22. My wife still has a pretty high drive but three kids later and now a fourth one on the way, obviously that changes things, even though we have a "free use" understanding for me, it's just understood that for the best of the best in terms of sexual activity having the kids at her parents house for the weekend for example helps out whenever the load can just be taken off as much as possible we do our parts.

  23. While in theory maintaining an active sex life should be the equal responsibility of both partners, in practice it often isn't just because the woman is more likely to have both the lower and the more responsive sex drive. That responsiveness means that even if she somehow feels theoretically equally responsible for keeping sex alive, in practice most of the things that need doing must be done by the man or it would kill her sex drive. That's just how it is. But there is individual variance here, so in some couples it works differently.

  24. for some couples i know is that the dates stop post marriage - so it's something to do with no more romantic dates thing

  25. A lot of guys change after marriage. They go from behaving in a way that their wife really liked to being complacent and not really pulling their weight anymore. In that situation it would feel like you didn’t even marry the same person anymore.

  26. The dead bedrooms subreddit has plenty of examples of low libido men married to high libido women. It could be either

  27. We know it's not though, I don't want to bring up the studies showing men have a higher libido. The dead bedroom subreddit has more women because it's unexpected when a man doesn't want to fuck his wife, she seems support from others on why. Most men, deep inside know this is waiting for us so we don't bother.

  28. Cause once I’ve delt with two screaming annoying kids all day whist he sat on his arse on his phone or hiding upstairs waiting for me to put the kids to bed and make his dinner AND still tidy up after everyone the fucking last thing I want is a grown ass whining adult complaining he wants his dick wet

  29. When you're tired you usually won't want to have sex and women do most of the housework and child hearing while still working full time in most cases.

  30. I don't really but tiredness be g the reason. When couples get together they can party all night and still find the energy to have sex multiple times the next day.

  31. Yeah asking women to work and handle the housework and take care of the kids is unreasonable. I think your proportionate contribution to housework should match your proportionate contribution to the household income. Both of you should be involved in child rearing.

  32. Bullshit. Women conveniently ignore all the work that the boyfriend/husband does - both at home and at his job. Women want to pretend that they are victims, so they can get sympathy and trick men into doing more housework.

  33. Or just don't let her get comfortable. Always keep her thinking that someone else would love to have you. If she thinks some younger woman would love to suck your dick off then she'll do the cores with a fucking smile and fuck your brains out.

  34. I don’t think it’s sex after marriage, it’s sex after kids. I see a lot of moms talk about how fuckimg exhausted they are all the time. Like, ‘haven’t had a full night’s sleep in two years’ level exhausted. When you’re that tired, spending any amount of free time on sex instead of sleep seems like a waste.

  35. What's that saying? Oh yeah, "the more sex a woman has before marriage, the less she will have after". Promiscuous women, who have been there done that with a bus load of other dudes, are addicted to variety. LTR sex is the opposite of this and will get dull and boring quickly. Something new and exciting is needed to get the juices flowing again. In other words, infidelity. Yet another reason why N count is critical when screening potential mates.

  36. First of all, don’t let confirmation bias fool you - plenty of couples maintain thriving sex lives after years and years of marriage.

  37. From the experiences married women have told me, due to scheduling and priorities plus the energy level dropping with age. It’s not that they stop having sex, it’s their husband and the wives aren’t wanting to initiate at the same time. When one is in the mood, the other isn’t. The women seem to be more flexible with compromising on that end and get rejected more than the men. I’ve seen it plenty with my own eyes.

  38. TOO MANY MEN EXPECT THEIR WOMEN TO BE THEIR MOTHERS!!!! THAT'S WHY!!! Especially after children it's just tok fucking exhausting. They're tired of having the same conversations and they say that being a single mom is literally easier than dealing with these trash men who refuse to seek therapy and outs all that emotional labor o to their wives while all they do is a regular 9-5 and expects the women to act just like their mothers and do all/ most the domestic labor themselves while ALSO working. It makes no fucking sense. Also how they stop dating their wives. Stop telling them how beautiful they are. Stop the surprises. They start asking for sex without considering her needs and whiningile a little bitch when they don't get no pussy. Like it isn't tour fault she's repulsed by you not to mention how much they tease their wives or look at other women or talk shit shit their wives to their friends not knowing the wife heard. I haven't met any women who are treated well by their husband's and aren't having sex. My cousin is already popping out another baby. Her husband still dates her. They talk damb near all day. He always calls her beautiful and little pet names. He takes the baby whenever he can and he's always doing things around the house. He makes sure that she is good in every way and she always preps his meals and makes sure that he's good as well. That I'd how a relationship is supposed to be but too many men really hate women and take it out on their wives. They just treat their wives as something to breed. A way to keep their legacy going. Not as real people and its fucking sick. Not to mention all the cheaters. Emotional and physical.

  39. All of this is correct. You can see the number of males talking about "all that is too much to have to do to get access to sex". They feel they should be rewarded for being lazy.

  40. Neither of those explain why, women that have a lot of sex in the dating phase, suddenly become prudes that have anniversary sex after marriage.

  41. This is literally the only 100% honest answer in this thread. Not “””chores””” or “””lack of dates”””, simple unchangeable human biology.

  42. 2 reasons: 1) women in general are lower libido than men in general 2) much of women’s libido is “responsive” and after 5 years together he is no longer the exciting new guy, and she does not respond to the stable boring partner

  43. This can be for a number of reasons. Stress can cause libido to plummet in both men and women. Financial stress or parental stress can cause that as well as resentment.

  44. It’s because the husband stops courting the wife. Stops trying to turn her on and make her feel sexy. “Why should I have to seduce my own wife?” some men will ask. The answer being, so she will want to fuck you and not just do it out of duty.

  45. Every thread in sub makes me repeatedly ask the question, what exactly do wome contribute in a relationship, other than just lying there & having sex?

  46. It depends. Here’s what i’ve observed from long term relationships: (and also based on my experience)

  47. I can't speak on this personally because my libido is still super high after 19 years together and we bang nearly daily. But the times that I've seen this shift in my friends that are women, it's because while they were dating they weren't living together so the guy was putting his best foot forward in terms of doing chores and keeping his place clean. The minute they got married and moved in together, he expected her to be his mommy and clean up after him/do all of the household management tasks - that remember, she *knows* he is capable of doing because he did it for years before she came along.

  48. Probably because men stop “dating” their wives once they’re married and feel like they no longer have to put in any effort or go out and do fun/adventurous/romantic things because they think that’s what you do to get a wife, not something you do to keep a wife.

  49. A lot of guys won't even offer to watch the kids or get a sitter for a free hours so she can have time to get in a sexy mindset. Not many women want to bang 15 minutes after reading bedtime stories or helping with homework. Our minds need to switch course more. Nothing turns me off more than interacting with my kids within the last few hours. Men don't seem to have this issue as much.

  50. I have at times in my adult life lost sexual libido After birth when breastfeeding, it’s a hormonal thing When I have felt taken for granted When I caught my ex cheating When I have been made to feel less than him

  51. They are using sex to improve their odds of being proposed to and married. They stop because they already have the man and don't understand how a man's brain is wired.

  52. Idk mate, my hormones have risen up after I got married. My husband, while having some “alpha” traits, would be defined as Beta by this sub. But he is my type, which defines my attraction to him

  53. This isn't a thing that happens to many young, childless couples. People generally marry because they really like someone, including wanting to continue having sex with them. Age and children do confuse things which ends up in the results you discussed.

  54. Do men really lose their libido, or do they just lose attraction to their wives? The abundance of porn makes me assume men never truly lose their libido.

  55. Many western women, many of those who were raised in Christian homes, are conditioned to see marriage as the sexual finish line, when it is really the beginning.

  56. Personally as a woman, I'd say I enjoy sex equally or more than my make partner, but we also both work to pleasure each other, communicate, and maintain a healthy relationship. It's a give and take. I've never faked an orgasm in my life, if a man sucks, he sucks. I won't needlessly stroke his ego. After sex I'll ask for constructive criticism, and ask if he wants the same. if he says yes, I'll tell him what he can do to improve and SHOW him how to better please me... I'll also NATURALLY work with him subliminally by rewarding him for using the tools I taught him, or just by doing things I like with my reaction (moaning, orgasms, telling him how much I love it via dirty talk, etc). It's as simple as that. Even if he's not good at penetrative sex, doing something like giving me head, fingering me, etc can make up the difference easily. When a guy wants me to seduce him, give him constant BJs, and never actually fuck me (or if he does ignore my pleasure entirely), I lose sexual attraction. Simple as that.

  57. Painfully true. I wish men and women could just talk about this in the open. I think partly some hide but some are genuinely rundown by partners who won't help them. If we could talk about this we could find solutions that made most people happy. But the current zeitgeist is MEN NEED TO DO BETTER.

  58. Probably because they’re incredibly exhausted at the end of the day and no longer feel like spending more time awake participating in mediocre sex

  59. Then why did they participate in the mediocre sex before marriage? Don't you feel that having sex with someone while you're dating them but refusing to fuck them after you're married (besides the occasional pity fuck) is being deceitful and manipulative to some extent ? Sex is an implied part of any relationship and starving your so of sex is a violation of the spirit of any marriage.

  60. I was married for eight years, and the last couple years especially, sex did become more rare, occasionally more than a month between. Here are some things I would define as contributing factors, starting with things on my side:

  61. I’m a woman who no longer desires sex after marriage. Here’s the painfully honest truth: biologically speaking, our sex drives are way lower than men’s. Our libido is higher in our 20s, but drastically drops after that. Most men are really bad at sex because they assume our bodies work the same way. They don’t. It takes hours to make me orgasm, and it has to be through rapid clitoral stimulation. Penetration alone doesn’t do it. Very few men will be willing to go through the process of making me come in the first place. Also, I don’t have an hour or two to spare in a day to satisfy myself and my partner. Job, running after kids, wiping butts, packing lunches and whatnot. So I have the option of doing it just for my husband - granted, I can spare 15 minutes. But that will leave me with 15 less minutes of sleep, a body to clean and zero satisfaction. Most days, I just can’t spare the energy.

  62. Learn from the men with wives that still have a great sex life. I heard something recently that said “men often don’t realize that foreplay starts at the beginning of the day, not 10 minutes before you want to have sex.” I think a lot of men struggle to wrap their brain around this. It’s intimacy outside of sex that leads to sexual intimacy.

  63. Because she settled and never wanted to marry the guy. She just couldn’t get the guy who gave her tingles and butterflies to commit

  64. if this is just how it is why would any sane guy get married then? if the marriage is just going to be sexless and her arousal and her interest in me can come and go like the wind then why would any guy take such a chance like that? i guess if u want kids but otherwise the risk seems incredibly high.

  65. Marriage takes the uncertainty and excitement out of a relationship. It’s a done deal and they have nothing to accomplish or prove to the partner anymore. It’s like the difference between the productivity of a government or private sector worker. The government worker becomes lazy and entitled precisely because it’s extremely difficult to fire him/her from the job. Divorce is the end goal of marriages nowadays, but many men are very naive regarding the meaning of marriage and perceive it as being set in stone.

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