Do the majority of women actually have an endless sea of DMs, right swipes, and dates like some men claim?

  1. Damn I’m sorry that happened to you :(. I guess when guys say this they don’t realize that it’s a bad thing when guys are sending these thirsty messages. It’s completely lost on me as to why those men would want to trade places and be sexually harassed by people on a daily basis.

  2. For me the one guy that was nice enough to go on a date with turned out to be my rapist and try to expose my kids to inappropriate things after 4 years… This is my big problem with online dating is that the good guys usually aren’t on there, the worst of the worst can’t hide of their monstrosities, and the true devil can hide itself for years online and it’s hard for us to know until it’s too late

  3. I have all my social media accounts set the private for privacy concerns and a lot of my friends will bemoan the creepy DMs they get from men. Often I have to go into the requests tab to see any messages at all and 98% of the time it’s empty. The other 2% its people I know but don’t follow responding to something, or incoherent, fake sounding spam bots.

  4. Same situation. I wouldn’t say I’m too ugly, just extremely socially awkward, so I have literally no dms For those asking my insta is Sigs._.b

  5. Yeah, I always get irritated by the lack of consideration for the fact that some women literally are ugly. Maybe they still get more attention than men, but most commenters don't even seem to take us into account.

  6. how long after you posted this did you get your first DM? inquiring minds want to know. you can turn off DMs in preferences as an fyi.

  7. Have you posted an r4r and/or made it known that you’re a female? You’re gonna get DM’s once guys know you’re a female and interested in talking to guys. I would not be surprised if your inbox already filled up.

  8. Ya... I totally understand that. No DMs etc for me. Good don't hit on me or come up to me etc... Not that I want to be cat called.. But no one comes up to me and is like hey, what's up?

  9. Women get a ton of comments…but a lot of those comments are the ones you don’t want to get. Threatening stuff, sexual harassment, insults. Just because it’s attention doesn’t mean it’s good or enjoyable in any way.

  10. I have a friend (gorgeous, BTW) who tries dating apps. She's a large woman, and a lot of her "matches" comment things like: "too bad you're fat, because you are really pretty;" or, "I wish you weren't fat, because I'm really into redheads." WTF guys

  11. I made a fake female account on a dating app and social media a while back. As a picture I used an AI generated face that looked like a relatively "pretty" woman.

  12. Yup. I've been married eight years and I got my arse grabbed, has inappropriate comments made to me and was followed in the supermarket just last month. When I told the guy off, the woman stocking shelves near me told me not to make a fuss. I was LIVID and felt so unsafe the whole rest of the time I was there. They wouldn't even let me checkout at the customer service desk because I had too many items even when I explained. 100/10 would not recommend.

  13. I am honestly very happy that my wife and I met, dated, and married long before the internet was popularly available. I have no idea of how on-line dating sites would work, especially given the number of posts that I see that seem very improbable or to stretch the truth. Why did the old way, meeting someone at school, work, or participating in some hobby seem to die out? Or has it?

  14. So I met my now wife on a dating app and we were having a conversation about this very topic... The thing I can't get my head round is that there must be some kinda success that these guys have? I can't get my head round a guy sitting at home, sending his 50-60 gross messages to women every night and going "Awww well nobody wants me!" - logically that must be what happens but I just can't get my head round it. How self-sabotaging and bereft of self-awareness must a guy be to a) do that to women and b) do that to himself? I just can't compute it at all.

  15. I can't speak for the majority of women, but anecdotally I've had several hookups show me their dm's and it's crazy. I no longer blame them for being defensive in dm's anymore, I would be too.

  16. The other similar metaphor I’ve heard is that men are looking for a clean glass of water in the desert while women are looking for a clean glass of water in the swamp. The notion of finding clean anything in the swamp brings the futility into sharp focus.

  17. Yesterday I had a first date with a very cute girl I met on Tinder. I ended sleeping at her house, and this morning at the end of the date she said: "thank you for taking care of me". I was like wtf, I just did the bare minimum on my book, treat you nicely and take your needs on account. There are a lot of idiots out there, the bar to be a decent guy is so low I need to dig a hole to find it.

  18. My girlfriend has social media for mostly professional purposes. She rarely posts pics of herself and when she does, they're modest and probably grouped along with a pic of the two of us. Still, she gets a bunch of requests and DMs from other guys. It's insane.

  19. I'm a guy and my cousin gave me her phone to swipe through Hinge on her profile... Holy shit it was dire, I really wanted to give some of these guys the benefit of the doubt but I ended up giving a heart to 1 profile after nearly an hour of swiping.

  20. Well that depends on the individual, I've gotten 5-7 dms since I opened this account a year ago. 1 was a scam, one was a dick pic, and the rest were questions and thanks for awards.

  21. When I was single; if I got a dick pic, I'd rate it (always a 2/10), send one back (or one of a dildo with a "Thats comparatively small"), or sent a picture of Richard Nixon.

  22. There's definitely plenty of lonely women. If you hang out on mostly male dominated areas of the world/internet then sure it'll seem that way but if you go to areas where there's significantly more women than men it'll be the other way around.

  23. I am a woman and I only get a DM like once a year. It's always an empty profile talking shit. I have had a lot of matches on dating sites, but most of them unmatched or ghosted me. I get no attention in real life, never had. If I wanted a partner right now, it would be hard to meet someone.

  24. I'm in the same boat here. Im sure some women that are beautiful and post photos get many DMs and such, but me and my friends experience is more like yours. The very occasdional weird or creepy message, and making decent connections is hard (but yeah probably not as hard as for the average man).

  25. What confuses me the most is that every woman they know also apparently gets just as much attention. It's like there are two separate populations of women who live on different planets. Maybe it does just depend on where you live... Out of curiosity, do you live in a crowded city?

  26. See, before I met my husband tinder was filled with matches and most were horrific, or just bare minimum effort. I had an Imgur account and posted a selfie with something I baked and got dm’s for a week straight of people being gross. College in person I had a handful of people I shared classes with or became mutual friends reach out. All of this was in college and in a college town and I’m like a 7 on a good day. Maybe it’s just more regional and on your age demographic

  27. Actually, since I barely post 1. That I'm a woman 2. Pictures of me, I barely get them. I once got a very polite DM from a dude asking me if HE could send me HIS nudes.

  28. I often comment that I'm a women and still pretty much never get dms. But I don't really post pictures of myself. I don't want that kind of attention anyway, so I'm glad.

  29. I don't get the logic of asking to send own nudes? Like why?? I can sort of understand the thought behind requesting nudes (ignoring the fact it's creepy and offensive), but what is the 'gain' in sending own?

  30. I can only speak on general DMs. No, I do not have an "endless sea" of them. Very few in fact, and of those most of them are creeps. And that is just here on reddit, I get no DMs from strangers on other social media platforms.

  31. I am relatively attractive (Not an LA 9 but pretty enough) and I don't have any random dudes hitting up my inbox ever. The only time was on reddit when I asked a sex related question on

  32. Being too attractive might cause people to think you're a catfish. Especially if your photos were professionally shot.

  33. Same. But any time I do post a cute pic, I get a message from every guy I've known since second grade. Super gross and creepy tbh

  34. Not really. I'm fairly attractive and while it's not hard to find random hookups, it is hard to find someone who wants more than that.

  35. The only time I got any attention online was when I created a tinder account for Groot and my entire bio was "I am Groot" repeated with different punctuation.

  36. I have a younger brother-in-law and a younger sister-in-law. A while back, the brother-in-law was getting a lot of Tinder dates. His mother was curious what Tinder was all about so my sister-in-law, who was 18 at the time, created an account to show her mom Tinder. The first message she got less than a day after creating the account was some dude asking if he could shit on her! No idea if the guy was serious or not but that would turn me off to Tinder!

  37. Most men cannot seem to understand or empathize with what it’s like to face a constant barrage of sexual harassment and objectification. What is does to your self esteem, how you feel in crowds or walking alone at night, how it affects intimacy in a relationship. Being treated like an ass on a stick constantly on dating apps and in real life doesn’t mean dating is easier for us. It’s fucking horrible and it’s really messed me up.

  38. I have very little online dating experience, but one time in a moment of loneliness, I thought I might just try setting up a profile. I was super nervous about it, so I put in my name, just left the picture blank, and started filling in the about me section. I wrote one sentence in response to a question about my favorite music, chickened out, and went to bed.

  39. Even for casual sex women don’t want to be treated as just a free prostitute. They still want to like the guy, be able to connect with him somehow, want him to be some minimal level of respectful. I find most women wanting casual are not very open about it because it easily attracts low effort creeps. They also need to feel you are safe before they are willing to be somewhere alone with you. A lot of guys forget this or are just ignorant.

  40. This is a very well thought out answer. I've never thought about it in terms of how validating the attention is for either side, but it makes a lot of sense.

  41. Sure, we statistically get a lot more matches on dating sites. There are a few reasons for that. Women tend to only swipe on men they're actually considering, whereas men tend to swipe on everyone and then later go through the matches and decide who he doesn't want.

  42. Women, especially young women get a lot of sexual attention, however this isn't always positive sexual attention. For example, it is common for women who aren't conventionally attractive to get attention from men who specifically want to point out that they aren't attractive. Think men shouting things like "fat bitch" out of van windows as they drive past. This is sexual attention, in that he wouldn't do it to another man and it indicates that he's assessed her sexually and decided he doesn't fancy her. But it's definitely not a positive. Women also get DMs etc. that are similar. So if a man slides into your DMs and sexually harasses you, that's sexual attention. But it certainly isn't a positive and is not an improvement on being left alone.

  43. "Fat bitch" is also a response when the man finds out the woman is quite intelligent and doesn't agree with him, or has a different opinion. The amount of times I've heard men say "It's so great to come across a woman who is intelligent", only to send or speak the most vile slurs a week later due to the same "intelligence".

  44. This is quite true and points to a deeper, lesser discussed, issue in the hetero dynamic: the "being seen with" value that women have for men actually has a massive weight in the entire evaluation of partners.

  45. The manosphere makes it a bigger thing than it really is. There are "lonely" women who are as lonely as men that most guys may deem attractive. And the sea of dms that attractive women usually get are usually from weirdos that ask absolutely inappropriate questions, say out of pocket shit, or just straight up unwanted nudes. You could say this for some men as well. It really just is incels glamorizing unwarranted attention because they think they want that

  46. Oh, believe me we get more than a few inappropriate messages from women…. Very attractive women by the way… that are actually guys in a bot farm somewhere trying to scam you…

  47. It's typically only true if a woman can be considered "stereotypically attractive" - a lady who is overweight, has facial proportions that are unusual, or anything outside of curvy/skinny/hot, she won't get much attention, and the attention she gets is either from bots or from men who are messaging literally everybody hoping for a bite.

  48. I’m a married 29 year old with a kid. I get zero DMs or even attention out in public. I’m fairly attractive so I used to get a lot of attention but don’t anymore. I’m glad I don’t get DMs, but a compliment or look out in public might be nice again.

  49. Attractive women active on social media most definitely do, I’ve seen my women friends have 500+ unopened messages. It’s honestly crazy.

  50. I’m a fairy attractive woman, not outstandingly looking but definitely somewhat above average, and no I don’t have a sea of DMs or guys approaching me left and right all the time. I might get a few rare compliments here and there, but generally I don’t receive that many advances

  51. But are you on various dating apps or just waiting for a random advance in any social setting? I feel as though there are almost no social settings where it is socially acceptable for men to approach women. Whats left are the apps, and I've yet to get more than a first date on those.

  52. Men get less likes because women tend to be more choosy. Also we are less likely to outright say we’re looking for a hookup. It’s not that women don’t want hookups, it’s more that if you say you’re looking for that, you get a ton of creepy messages from totally disrespectful guys who think they can be disgusting off the bat.

  53. I do not but I also have a cat avatar lmao. I joined a dating app once though (with my actual photos) and got creepy guys and dick picks. Never again. Matched with like two normal people, but nothing came of it aside from some DMs and video chats.

  54. No. Maybe 25% of the women online and on dating sites get as many DMs and dates and likes as men claim, the young and beautiful and sexy ones. The rest is just ignored because they disprove the incels, and that cannot be allowed!

  55. I am an ugly woman. When I was in high school I had the same mindset of most incels. ‘Men can get whatever woman they want, they don’t have to be pretty or keep up a standard to be with anyone.’ I would see men of all shape and sizes in relationships and at that time period I thought I wouldn’t be able to get in a relationship because I was ugly. I was bitter, and 100% towards men, even though I had no female friends.

  56. Men tend to forget that unattractive women exist because to them they don’t. Unattractive women are completely invisible to them. It’s a cognitive bias. So they complain that men are so lonely and big sad, but god forbid an ugly woman should exist AND think she’s good enough to talk to them?

  57. There was a study that showed that men actually feel annoyed when they look at unattractive women. They found that the part of the brain that dictates annoyance lights up. The flip side is that women tend to forget or not even perceive unattractive men. I’d much rather not be perceived than be annoyed with for existing tho

  58. This is kind of what I was thinking. They compare their experience to the experience of extremely attractive women as if they are equivalent.

  59. Dating? No. Sex? Yes. I am the proud owner of a vagina so just having sex is possible anywhere, any time. But actually wanting to be known and loved is nowhere to be found.

  60. I feel like it's only for attractive women. I'm cute, pretty on a good day, but I literally never get random ass dm's of men and for that I'm that I'm thankful. But I am lonely because I don't have many people to talk to irl

  61. If true, still, no one's going to start a serious relationship or even a hookup with random dickpickguy #24. It's not charming for sure and it isn't even arousing, just kinda absurd to see. I assume women looking for hookups still have some standards, like don't show dong in the first two minutes maybe.

  62. I have never had a random DM from a dude. (This is not an invitation.) I always assumed it was vastly exaggerated.

  63. Most women could find plenty of men who want to talk to them online or even meet up and hook up but most of these men are disgusting. It’s really hard to find a good dude just like it’s hard to find a girl so yes we’re equally lonely, we’re just sitting in an infested swamp while you’re sitting in an empty field.

  64. I have tried a dating app for a few hours. In those few hours I had over 300 messages. I deleted the app because it was obvious that most if not all men were big creeps.

  65. Not the majority, no. Very attractive women and women who are doing something that gets guy's attention seem to get a lot of it. By getting guys' attention I don't only mean looking for dates or hookups, but even just posting about anything that a guy thinks is either cool or annoying for a woman to talk about, like video games as an obvious example.

  66. No. Men who say this are thinking of the women they would consider hooking up with/dating. They’re not considering all the women they typically wouldn’t give the time of day.

  67. as a bi dude this was my exact experience. minus the don't want part. but even then a lot of guys in there had me feeling real uncomfy

  68. It’s a quantity vs quality issue from what I’ve been told. Sure they have tons of matches, but imagine the matches are average YouTube commenters and you get the idea.

  69. Going on 3 years single here. My "endless sea of DM's" started right after I got out of my relationship, and ended about six months to a year after. I'm not on social media anymore (except here, and anonymously scrolling TikTok), I don't do dating apps, and I can't remember the last time I went on a real date.

  70. I feel you. I’m 58 and divorced for 11 years now. I’ve had several men want to ‘date’ but their behaviors and conversations were always about ‘sexual chemistry’ and wanting to be cared for. So a mother figure who they can have sex with, basically. One man was 70! And just wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve also had one fwb (both committing to being monogamous) off and on for the past several years but it got old and the casual sex just started to feel icky to me and I began to feel like a sex object with the requests and talk. In the end it’s all he really wanted as I became more interested in a committed relationship.

  71. I mean being swarmed by dms from horny guys with dic pics does nothing to alleviate loneliness anyway. A sea of garbage is not a replacement for a boyfriend.

  72. It's not women who have it easier, it's attractive people, of any gender, who have it easier. Those men only think those attractive people are all women, because that's who they're attracted to.

  73. It is true that a lot of men don't have standards when it comes to women, so they could go for any woman that chooses them. Women often do have some standards, which narrows down the choices. I haven't been single in almost ten years, so I don't really know what dating in todays world is like. But I do believe that the amount of men who would pick anyone interested is much higher than the amount of women who would pick anyone interested. I think it's not possible to say which is easier, picking from people who don't have standards but don't necessarily fit yours, or from people who have standards, but you don't really care what they are like, if they just pick you.

  74. Ah ok. It seem kind of pathetic that they don’t have their own standards and just harass random women. I think that’s why relationships fail; they are started out of fear of being alone instead of love.

  75. I decided to see if I can make the most reprehensible human being to see if I could get people to like me. I put up a picture of someone I thought was pretty. Blonde hair blue eyes no visible tattoos. I said I was a good Christian woman I liked gardens and I lived in the Midwest And I went shooting with my family every Wednesday and Friday. I said I like to cars and cookouts and I would not date a black person but I use the N-word. Just to be clear I’m black and I wanted to see how horrific I could make this human

  76. I have close to 50+ matches on dating apps that I never respond to because the opening line is in the breath of Hey, Wanna have some fun? Like fuck off. It's so frustrating and makes the whole meeting people through apps and messages so disheartening and feels like I'm banging my head against a wall when I try to hold any conversation only for it to fall back into them trying to immediately get in my pants. Like damn bud, maybe if you weren't a troglodyte out the gate then yeah maybe you would have a chance. Smh. Tis why I only date women in recent years because at least then I get swooned before they become horny on main.

  77. Im in a serious long term relationship with a woman whos out of my league and she gets friend requests and messages constantly.

  78. I can get a lot of messages, but very few will be ones where I'd want to meet the person for a date because they're so forward, or they're like talking to a brick wall. Then if I do actually agree to meet up with them, half of those will ghost me. When you do eventually meet someone, half will be okay and the other half will be quite creepy in person. So then trying to narrow that down can be interesting, especially as some creeps will be good at acting normal the first time before becoming overly attached or obsessive for the second date.

  79. Women are not a monolith. So while yes, some women are swimming in gross DMs, there are also women who are just as lonely and rejected as men. And there’s women who fall everywhere in between on the spectrum.

  80. I think there is also a factor that only a few women are getting most of the attention from men. The most attractive women are being deluged with attention, while many other women are just as starved for attention as your average man.

  81. im average attractive i think. not too pretty but not ugly. and i got a hefty amount of right swipes, ive been offered a handful of dates over the year, but i dont get loads of DMs. maybe a handful of creeps every so often. :))

  82. I would say I’m a conventionally attractive woman and both my family and the few guys that approach me will say things like “I bet you get a lot of attention,” “you don’t have a boyfriend?”, etc. but the reality is that the attention isn’t really wanted. If I’m out at a bar and guys are drunk I’ll probably get approached, but sometimes by 40 year old men (I’m in my 20s) or guys being creepy and persistent and telling me to come home with them.

  83. I have a female coworker who's constantly getting hit on/stalked. Has multiple guys sending her d*ck pics on snapchat, has a new boyfriend every couple months. Meanwhile I'm not a bad looking guy but there's no such thing as chicks throwing themselves at you left and right. I've never even been on a date.

  84. Most guys have no fucking clue how to talk to a woman, but have confidence. So yeah, they get the messages but they don’t say what you think they do.

  85. My girlfriend is way out of me league, I think she is perfect and beautiful. Other guys she her as a 10 out of 10 and a piece of meat. The amount of men that add her on social media is nuts. And the amount of DM's she gets is insane! But I know she picked me and she see's a future with me. We talk about growing old together, but man these men that just hit her up. It's happened when I've been in her presence, she's gotten to the point where men will aproach her on the street. She now hates going outside, but she'll get me to go place with her so men don't approach her. But they still do! They will beep their car horns as they drive by, look at her up and down. It's very noticeable. But I know she's picked me and I'm the one spending the evenings with her.

  86. I like how you don't get jealous or insecure. Women get turned off if their partners are like that. Also, congrats on your relationship. It sucks that I can't relate...

  87. No that’s not completely true. I think men have a harder time probably but women have a hard time too ! Getting the type of attention you want and not just attention from anyone is the hard part! It’s easy to get creeps to pay attention but hard to get a good man! What are most men looking for? Sex? Women are usually looking for a relationship…. So maybe intentions block men from having more women? I know that turns me off when looking online for men! We want sex too but not from just anyone! I’d like to know you longer than five mins!

  88. In my personal experience as a woman, I don’t/never got many of those things and was lonely for a long time. In high school there was only one guy who ever had a crush on me, and I never had a crush on anyone. (I did go to an arts school that was literally like 80% female so there weren’t a lot of boys to go around. And to be honest a lot of the guys there were homosexual to begin with sooo lol).

  89. Just to add on to the other comments, I’m a fairly attractive man and I get a lot of DMs to the extent I need to filter them out. I’ve had a number of them directly sexually harass me, although I do suspect alcohol was involved with a few of them. My ex-girlfriend would probably considered physically less attractive than me (fuck society) and she got markedly less attention. I’m not trying to contradict the prevailing attitude at all, but the gender trend is just that—a trend, not something essential about gender.

  90. I think it’s a matter of a lot of circumstances. I don’t think I’m all that, but I do believe I’m an attractive woman. I can get a date fairly easily and I have had (unwelcome) DMs…

  91. I was pretty successful as a guy and I’d say women “in my league” probably got 10 times tje attention at least as I did. I dated one younger woman who got hundreds of messages in the few days after re enabling her account.

  92. I’ve been DMd by random (creepy) men. There’s no shortage of misogynistic and narcissistic man babies. It’s much harder to find a man worth my time. I already wasted 14 years of my life with an abusive a hole. I do not intend to waste another second on another man like that. To answer your question I think it’s easy for women to find a man but finding a good man is a whole different story.

  93. Only when I had a frontpage post. Other than that, I never get DMs or anything on my Insta or elsewhere, and I post way cuter stuff there.

  94. It’s true. But we are still lonely because we unlearned how to settle. So we might get 50 DMs but only one is high quality and not just “Hey”.

  95. Most of the women I’m friends with do. I read on Reddit once (and most of my female friends agree): online dating for men is like looking for clean drinkable water in a desert, online dating for women is like looking for clean drinkable water in a swamp.

  96. Dating is hard for everyone. I'm a girl, getting matches wasn't the issue, finding a guy who didn't just want sex was the hard part. Finding someone who was into similar things was also hard. A lot of guys were put off because I was taller then they are, a lot got mad at me for actually being 5'11 and not exaggerating my height like they were. I was ok with shorter guys, but a lot weren't OK with me. Me knowing martial arts wasn't really liked or fetishised. My red hair was the same. Some guys got really mad when they found out it was natural. Red heads aren't liked here in the uk by a lot of people.

  97. Women of any size shape or looks have never had a problem in finding a one-night partner , just an observation of over 49 years of working in clubs in several states

  98. I have a female cousin who claims to be lonely and single, meanwhile I see her phone blowing up with snapchats and messages from dudes. Then there’s my phone(i’m a dude) with zero notifications and from time to time, my mom will text me.

  99. Absolutely not, I would say I’m pretty attractive and no guys just randomly dm me unless I post a pic and they like it or something nowadays anytime a guy approaches a girl they’re considered “simps” so now guys are just scared or don’t want to take iniciative

  100. I‘m pretty lonely and rejected. Ofc some dudes will dm you occasionally if you show your face but it depends on how visible feminine you are on online spaces.

  101. I get random dms pretty often but I don’t usually respond for one of three reasons. 1.) They opened immediately with something sexual 2.) I start talking to them and then they get to the dreaded “Can I ask you something weird?” which basically means “send me nudes or you’re a bitch,” then get all stalkery when I stop talking to them or 3.) I’m in a relationship.

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