How are house chores connected to sex life?

  1. I believe it's Tombo on here who has the perfect analogy-- Doing your share of chores around the house is kind of like being pottytrained. Your partner pooping in the toilet isn't a turn ON... but them shitting their pants certainly is a turn OFF.

  2. Chores are not our issue, but I’ve read enough posts to understand that for some, it’s not transactional so much as it’s hard to want to be with someone who acts like an entitled child and doesn’t pull their weight.

  3. Totally agree with this. It’s instantly a turnoff when your partner reverts back to their teenage laziness, just making a mess and not putting in effort to pick up after themselves. You do eventually feel like you’re raising your partner, and no sane adult wants to date a child.

  4. It's also just about setting the scene and freeing up headspace for both parties to be able to think about sex. Hard to feel sexy surrounded by dirty laundry, cobwebs and constantly thinking about the next chore on your list.

  5. “But I spent half an hour changing the oil in the car and spent the rest of the day hanging out with my friends while you attended to the baby 24/7. I pulled my weight so I deserve sex.”

  6. This right here ^ it stops being a partnership when one is taking the burden of housework and care. Former LL to HL btw.

  7. Not to mention, how often does one need to shovel snow or change the oil vs how often one has to cook, clean, do laundry...

  8. I think it’s because if you’re a deadbeat who doesn’t help out, then she becomes resentful and irritated with you. When was the last you wanted to have sex with someone you were irritated with?

  9. I guess in my view you should be doing house chores because you live there. Not to get sex. Idk I think it’s really weird

  10. I've binned off my last two boyfriends because I didn't like the way the dynamic was going. I'm in my 40s btw. I know becoming a carer/mother figure to my man turns me completely off so I get rid when they get too comfortable and leave shit on the floor. Nothing sexier than a man who does the dishes, walks the dog and can use a mop.

  11. If you act like a child and don’t pull your weight around the house so she has to mother you, it follows logic she would stop being sexually attracted to you

  12. 100%. Zero desire to have sex with a child. It is such a huge turn off to have to consistently ask for assistance and help from a partner for basic things like throw away your own damn trash.

  13. It's REALLY unattractive and makes you lose respect for your partner really quickly when you have to do everything for them or it won't get done at all.

  14. Whoah. Hol up. I hope you dumped his ass. He happily catered to his parents, but then treated you like a servant. 🤦🏼‍♂️

  15. I totally understand where you’re coming from on this and Im sorry you were in a relationship like that.

  16. My partner does chores on his days off just so I wake up to a nice house. While the chores may not directly equal you getting sex , the care shown by you doing something nice JUST BECAUSE could make a much larger impact than you realise.

  17. It’s not a choice. It’s not transactional like he does chores so I give sex. And it’s also not punishment like he didn’t do chores so he gets no sex. It’s the micro resentments that build up throughout the day. I don’t mind caring for our home. I take on the majority of the emotional labor because I like things a certain way. But when I’ve asked you to take out the trash ten times today and you argue that you’ll “get to it” and I’m upset so I just do it myself because it needs to go out before the truck comes tomorrow otherwise we won’t fit our whole weeks trash into the bin this week. The knowing of what day the truck comes and that our weeks garbage won’t fit, is emotional labor that you don’t think about. And without it, things start to fall apart. You may think I have the “easy jobs” but without every little things being planned and coordinated, nothing gets done. It’s why bachelor pads look the way they do. Being asked to do something and doing the simple task is easy. Not doing it shows a blatant disrespect for how the house runs and for me. And that’s just one thing. Add to that the shit stains I have to wipe out of the toilet, the socks you leave on the floor, the dirty tissues on the side table, the water cups accruing on the bedside table. You name it. I’m taking on so much emotional labor, asking for help, not getting that help and I’m tired and upset with you for not pulling your weight and upset that you think it’s okay to disrespect our home and me by ignoring me. And now I’m already frustrated by all of that and I feel emotionally distant with no effort on your part to reconnect and heal those wounds with me but now you want to hop on top of me and use my body as a cock sleeve? Ew. No. You don’t put effort into the home. You don’t put effort into the relationship. You don’t put effort into me. You don’t even out effort into the sex you want so bad.

  18. Wow. You just described so much of my marriage that it's uncanny. To a T. I wish I would have had these words when my ex and I were still attempting to communicate, but then again all he would have heard is criticism...

  19. Thank you for that. That was beautiful, and also very sad, and I think I understand it now. Im not married, and I asked this question out of pure curiosity. Ive been single my whole life, and Im thinking about finally trying to change that, it’s been intimidating and I want to do it right. Because of that Ive been asking questions about relationships and trying to learn from people in my life, and on Reddit it seems 😂. Anyways my point is thank you for putting it so eloquently, I think I understand the answer to my question now. I think I also understand the other extreme in this case as well (sex as a weapon I believe it’s called?) and yeah. Idk I hope trying to read and research helps me out in the long run. Thank you for your response

  20. If you aren't her partner she is not going to feel emotional connection, and therefore she will not feel physical connection. She will feel used, and in turn you will feel like one more chore on the list.

  21. This doesn't make any sense. Who wants to jump into bed with a child, somebody who doesn't clean up, doesn't do anything for themselves, and expect you to be their mommy? Would you want to sleep with your wife if she couldn't take care of herself in any way, like a 5-year-old? I think it's really the difference between the male and female sex drive. A man finds any port in a storm. A woman just doesn't go out in the storm in the first place.

  22. Men who don’t do equal house work without having to be asked (this includes chores, kids, dr appointments, arranging babysitters and birthday parties, etc) aren’t attractive or respectful. Women don’t want to sleep with men they aren’t attracted to or respect.

  23. Women who don't do equal household jobs without having to be asked ( this includes chores, kids, dr appointments, arranging babysitters and birthday parties, etc) are seen as lazy and worthless. Men don't want to sleep with women who are lazy and worthless.

  24. I only want to sleep with someone I am attracted to. I am not attracted to people who don’t do their share of housework. Simple.

  25. It's about the distribution of labor. When it feels unequal, it leads to great relationship dissatisfaction, so great it destroys attraction. Studies show a huge disparity in household and parenting duties even in families where both parents work equal hours. Men never accounted for the fact they'd have to do equal parenting and household chores if their wives also worked, and many feel entitled to not having to contribute equally in that way because that was the expectation for many prior generations. Women are also not doing a good job of expressing this or establishing boundaries around it. Many just resentfully accept it, at the peril of their sex life. It's good practice for every couple to sit down and discuss their expectations about the distribution of labor and reach a fair agreement to avoid such resentments.

  26. There is also *a physical and mental energy thing going. If one partner has to figure out what chores need doing, also has to do them, it’s the combo that creates the classic “I’m too tired,” reason. It can go both ways, though

  27. It's because I'm attracted to my partner, not another adult that doesn't pull their weight. In simple terms, doing the dishes doesn't automatically equal sex, nor should it because it shouldn't be transactional. It's just about the big picture.

  28. I think there are three versions of this. On the one hand, it's "he's making my life harder by not pulling his weight as a house partner so the extra load is killing my desire for sex". This is probably the simplest (not easiest if the partner likes not being an adult) to fix.

  29. I agree overall, but I would add that an LL may not know they're in the middle group. Until after they try the "choreplay" - they may know they're stressed and tired and that's the most obvious reason to them. Once the chore factor gets removed, then they realise that wasn't the only thing impacting them.

  30. I believe my wife is a combination of two and three. I believe there was some trauma that even she doesn't remember and also, she doesn't think about sex all that much. She's masturbated once in her life, during phone sex with me while we were dating. I don't think there's any solution to our situation, that's just the way she was born/is.

  31. It's been said over and over on this post already that it's attractive when they act like your partner. It becomes extremely unattractive when you have to parent another adult because they can't do basic tasks like keep the house clean or do simple chores. It also feels like they don't respect you when they aren't pulling their own weight to keep the household running. Why would you ever sleep with someone who is so comfortable disrespecting you on a regular basis.

  32. I don't think it's as simple as "chores", I think that's the part that you see, so it's what people tend to think of first. I think it's more of a mental workload thing.

  33. It’s so true. Every time I’ve lived with a guy they ask me what to do or how to do it. I just need them to pay attention and if they don’t know google. Don’t expect me to teach you - then I have to critique it. “Oh you should dust and clean countertops first then vacuum so you don’t have to vacuum again” - just use some common sense. If you see something do it! How am I supposed to cook dinner if you didn’t clean up after you cooked your lunch when working from home. #bitter lol

  34. It's not about the chores, it's about you acting like a child and her viewing you as such. The desire in such a relationship diminishes quickly. Nobody wants to be intimate with a person they feel are a caretaker (or a mother figure) to.

  35. She's exhausted. She's alone. She's being expected to act as a mother instead of a partner She is overwhelmed. She is lonely. She is disrespected. She is never off duty. Sorry. . . How is this an actual question?

  36. There are several examples of in this thread of men who are absolute slobs that expect their wife/maid/slave to do everything for them. And I understand how through that lens, what you’re saying makes absolute 100% makes sense. I meant through the point if view of a more average relationship whenever a man complains about sex it’s just default attitude, you don’t do enough chores

  37. Because so many men treat their wives like moms that clean up after them. That’s a huge turnoff. One reason that I’m so attracted to my husband is because he acts like a grown man, can run the household, cooks. That shit is sexy

  38. Oof. Nanny non-DB sub lurker here. I have so much to say on this topic. Lemme just say that typically "feminine" household tasks are normally more strenuous, time consuming, and are usually needed more frequently. I.e laundry, dishes, vacuuming. typically "masculine" household labor like mowing the lawn or changing the oil are far easier, need to be done less frequently, etc. from someone who has done EVERYTHING. On top of a woman's expected household labor, her husband often expects her to manage him by assigning him tasks instead of being self sufficient. It's exhausting. And I've seen so many men just absolutely be so incompetent in these tasks (as well as parenting) that I have trouble understanding how they even fumbled along to their grown up age to begin with. That's not attractive.

  39. This is not even remotely accurate. I do dishes vacuum, and do laundry. Shoveling and mowing are far more physically strenuous than indoor house chores. I know because I do all of them.

  40. It's about who carries the greater cognitive, logistic, and practical burden in the relationship. Who keeps the gears of home the greased, the domestic motor running? Of course, partners should be helping to keep their home cared for together. Children should be cared for together. Divisions of labor are fine, but dividing on the basis of say, breadwinner vs. SAHP is a recipe for inequity and disaster. That's the point. No woman that I have ever met wants to enthusiastically bone a man she has to routinely pick up after or coddle in the same way she may have to for a child.

  41. LLF -- Mostly because I literally get turned on by my husband doing chores - especially if it's not his NORMAL chores & it ends up taking something off of my plate.

  42. HLF -- I'm doing all of the chores and never had a day off from the kids since they were born. Unfortunately nobody is turned on by that. 🥲

  43. I don’t want to sleep with a man who doesn’t pull his weight in the house, if I’m taking care of him like a child I’m going to treat him like a child.

  44. Lol. Let your wife stop cleaning or cooking, doing laundry or working. See how much you want to have sex with her then. This is not a hard concept to grasp.

  45. If you’re with a partner that doesn’t do their fair share of maintaining the household it’s literally like taking care of another human being, I’m gonna get downvoted for this but this issue seems to affect women the most.

  46. Exhaustion, mental overload, annoyance, feeling like your partner is taking advantage of you, feeling like your partners parent rather than equal/lover. It’s not that no chores= no sex, it’s that being dumped with it or having to nag your partner about it leads to resentment and kills your sex drive for the other person.

  47. God I hope this was said already. But in case it wasn't. Google 5 love languages. Acts of service is one of them.

  48. Some women use it as a manipulation tactic. For someone like me, even though I'm HL, there are days I know hubby is in the mood but all of my chores for that day mean my back injury is going to be really bothered, so if he helps to ease that pain, sex is much more likely to happen. Especially cuz I'm HL.

  49. Because a lot of people (including men) are terrible at cleaning up after themselves. If you have to clean up after your partner like a child or dog, why would you want to bone them?

  50. I know my wife (a woman) is the worst. It's because her mom (another woman) always cleaned up after her and her brothers (Kinda Men). Now, as adults, they lack sense and ability to properly maintain the cleanliness of their own homes.

  51. I just don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with housework. It’s not hard. Once your kids get older, have them do their share. Otherwise they grow into the type of men that dont know how like everyone is complaining about.

  52. Because when you have to run around after and basically mother a fully grown man, it’s not a partnership anymore. It’s a parent child relationship. Women also almost always bear the brunt of the mental workload, if having to organise and delegate all this shit.

  53. It's quite obviously a feeling that that workload is not shared equally resulting in one partner (usually the woman) being stressed, tired, and not up for sexy time. There's many a take of the dude coming home from work only to play video games until bedtime.

  54. If you haven't figured it out yet, you will have tons of people projecting here. Either from their personal situation or other posts that they relate to. Lots of over generalizations and assumptions made. You can beat some the bias by using gender neutral language and never revealing your gender but there are HL and LL bias as well.

  55. Yes! An ex told me he didn’t care about having a clean house so he wasn’t going to clean or do laundry but cared greatly about food. I told him as long as he picked up after himself and didn’t leave more messes I’m fine with the general cleaning. He can cook and we will split dishes. He never picked up after himself - just left messes for me. Then he’d be annoyed that I wasn’t offering to cook. I told him I’m busy cleaning and am happy throwing some pasta on after a long day, but that wasn’t sufficient for him. He was annoyed at me for not caring about what he wanted but I was annoyed at him for making what I cared about even harder. Obviously we are no longer together.

  56. If there is not an equitable distribution of domestic chores, one person has become the other's servant and that daily resentment is going to spill into all areas of the relationship.

  57. If you want your wife to have energy and the mental room for sex, do stuff around the house so they’ll have energy and the mental room for sex.

  58. It is about being respected and seen as an equal by your partner. If they do not maintain the family home and take for granted that you will just do it, then argue with you that your standards are too high or claim how you are just better at it or they don't see it, you do not feel like they care about you at all. Idk who wants sex when they feel taken for granted and resentful.

  59. There are some people on this subreddit - mostly men - who are under the impression that if you do chores and housework, your wife will reward you with sex. Sort of like a dog being given a biscuit for fetching the newspaper, or a child being given a chocolate for tidying their toys. This isn’t how it works, or at least not in a healthy relationship.

  60. Women like to feel supported. They like to feel that they have stable ground underneath them. And seeing things thrive without their input let’s them feel supported. When they feel like they can trust and rely on their partner, it helps the feel more like expressing that trust through physical means.

  61. It’s not withholding or refusing to not be attracted to and not want sex with someone that you have to parent. When my partner doesn’t pull his weight with the house and kids (which thankfully he generally does, at least with the house) I simply don’t feel connected and attracted to him and therefore just don’t have any interest in intimate interactions with him at all, much less sex. If I’m exhausted, overworked on housework, and touched out by the kids, I have zero left to give him for sex and I don’t want to be touched.

  62. Last night, I gave my husband a mind-blowing job bj in the middle of his garden. When he happily asked why, I told him it's because I appreciate him helping with dishes, replacing the door knob, and simply checking up on me - without being asked. I wanted to show him I noticed.

  63. Seeing someone do chores/ helping you out reassures you that you’re cared for/valued and they don’t expect you to do everything. That’s why when I’d come home to dishes being put away, the house picked up- it showed they listened and knew I’d appreciate having a bit less to do. It’s a big turn on to see your partner cares about easing your burden.

  64. Yeah, so, when you leave all the chores, parenting, etc. to your wife, she’s so drained by the end of the day, she don’t give two fucks about your penis. This isn’t picking up a vacuum every once in awhile, it’s helping everyday to show you care and love her as an equal. Not a fucking house maid with a vagina.

  65. I have a chronic illness and we use the concept of “spoons” to represent energy available to do tasks. My energy level varies but, if I spend all of my “spoons” doing chores, I will have no spoons left to have sex.

  66. I think it's more like having sex with a shitty domestic partner is terrible feeling, like having sex with someone who just lied to you. How could you enjoy having sex with them, ya know?

  67. That was my thought honestly, why bring sex into it at all? They real aren’t connected at all. But after hearing the comments here I understand that not doung chores and no sex are just symptoms of a bad relationship

  68. I kid you not but my husband's willingness to have sex with me often depends on his perception (among other stuff) of how well I've done the chores.

  69. IMO they aren't. I do the lions share of the house chores. As in, his only chores are clean our shower and take his turn with the once a month upstairs chores, though he also sometimes vacuums. We both work and I study so he brings in more money than I do. I'll admit it bothers me sometimes but I would never stop having sex with him because of it. Transactional sex is just.. yuck.

  70. After reading some of the comments from women here, I understand where the mindset comes from... but idk I also think it’s weird how whenever a guy says he’s not satisfied with his sex life everyone assumes he’s a lazy slob. Women can have lots of issues keeping them from wanting sex... men can do all sorts of other things to kill the mood. The whole “you didn’t cook dinner so I’m not going to love you” is kind of weird to me, but I think I understand better now

  71. Hilariously, I'm HL, demi, LTR-focused female and house chores (and other things) are emotional loaded and connected to my sex life. I think men are similar --just the way we handle it due to gender roles and upbringings are different.

  72. Maybe bcs after doing all the chores, you are tired as fuck, if you add to it work and other things (in my case health problems), the last thing you want to do is have sex. You just want to rest, and to not listen "ok, now you finished, lets have sex", like, no, please don't say that shit, not now. Not when you did nothing but were on your phone all the damn time while I was doing all that has to be done, even cleaning the table where you are right now, ah... Being LL is sometimes just bcs you feel your are there just for the sex and nothing else, or at least I feel it like that. When I get at least some help my mood is much better cause I feel we are a couple, so I am more open to sex, cause I feel cared about. I don't need to be desired, more like feeling protected and some connection by doing something mundane or a little romantic together like holding hands puts me so much more on the mood than an ass grabbing or such...

  73. IMO it's more about the mental load of chores. If you're the one constantly doing majority of the chores and your partner isn't helping. You're then left constantly thinking about the to-do list and what needs to be done. Then there's no energy/desire/brain space left to even feel sexy or want to think about engaging in sex.

  74. I think it's more of how much stress there is in each person's life, house chores are usually a huge stressor for women more than men oftentimes or vice versa.

  75. It’s not that men have to do extra chores, but when they are holding up their half, then their wives don’t have to over function and then get exhausted and not have the energy for sex.

  76. People in their relationship wanted to feel, supported, valued, and a man expecting a woman to be a maid, secretary, and mother isn’t great to say the least. It’s not a matter of earning points for sex, by just being a responsible adult, in a caring, nurturing relationship. Otherwise, these feelings of negativity can stack up and cause resentment. People like to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and looking after each other, and looking after common ground together, is part of that, in my opinion. It’s also looking out for each other. If you know your partner is extra busy at work, going through a stressful time, tired with the kids, etc., stepping up goes a long way. In that sense, actions speak louder than words. Anything that leads to a better connection out of the bedroom, can lead to a better connection in the bedroom type of thing.

  77. It's a slippery slope between not doing the chores and your wife drawing the same consistent theme from you: "you simply don't have my back". "I don't know if I can fully trust you even with the little stuff". "It feels like I am the head of this household running the whole show" "You're just not stepping up and being a man." "I'm too tired and overwhelmed to think about sex".... etc etc

  78. If I was in a relationship that even hinted at some sort of transactional thing going on, I would get the fuck out.

  79. The thing I find interesting is one person in a couple may have a very different definition of what a maintained household is. It's a subjective thing. If one partner wants the house to be pristine and the other is content with a bit of mess. Should the less tidy partner be obligated to spend every free minute they have making to keep the house to the other person stands. Obviously there are extremes but I suspect alot of these "hopeless" partners may fall int o this grey area.

  80. A quick google search would have told you that in general in the US, men do about 35% of the household labor and women do about 65%, including dual career couples. Women also tend to take on an unfair burden of the emotional and managerial household tasks. But don’t worry, as a woman it’s obviously my responsibility to do the search for you. Just kidding with that bit of snark.

  81. If choreplay got me laid the ratio of total household cleanings/Kids bathings/cars washed/litterbox cleaned/toilets scrubbed to sex wouldn’t look the way it did.

  82. It makes a lot if sense to me really... like I want to have sex. If all I had to do to get some was simply clean. I definitely would have the cleanest house you ever seen

  83. It's just mentally exhausting for me to constantly always be the one delegating tasks on what needs to be done. My boyfriend never shows initiative on taking out the garbage. Unloading the dishwasher. Won't learn how to load it. Doesn't clean the bathroom. Doesn't vacuum. Doesn't offer to ever help clean or cook. Doesn't know how to cook and never shows interest in learning or helping me. It's just mentally a lot for me and every day I'm getting less and less attracted to him. I feel like a mom and roommate more than I have ever felt like His girlfriend. I'm just tired of being the only "adult" in this relationship and my sex drive and our connection to each other is suffering very badly. Women don't want to sleep with people they're basically taking care of.

  84. And my problem with it is. We both work from Home. We both help take care of the dog we have together (but I still end up doing more work. Taking her out more) but it's the lack of any motivation to try and learn. To help. Things get better after I have a breakdown. But I'm not kidding. Dishes sit for weeks because I want to just wait and see if he does them. He never does. Point being, we both have a similar work load but why is it on me to be responsible and always plan dinner. Plan cleanings. It just makes me resent him

  85. I think the chores are an issue because it creates resentment when there is not a balance. That's the connection. If you resent the spouse you won't want to sleep with them. Even a HL can become LL in that circumstance.

  86. You don’t have to answer this, but something just to consider- are you being there emotionally too? Doing your fair share around the house? Are you grooming yourself- like cutting toenails, haircut, keeping up with basic hygiene. When you guys do have sex, are you making her O too? Are you putting an effort pleasing her? (Like waiting until she’s done, focusing on her, oral, etc)

  87. I literally wrote down all of the chores and consciously took on 80% of the responsibilty. And you know what the response was? Nothing in respect to what I have taken on and 100% focus on her own 20%.

  88. I dont feel it does. My spouse does ALOT. I cannot help my low libido. I wouldn't say we have a dead bedroom but we have different libidos for whatever reason. Even though I don't have his matching libido he still does a lot around the house and with our daughter.

  89. Sometimes doing chores doesn't help at all. I take care of my own laundry, take out the trash, help with dishes, fix things around the house in a timely manner, take care of everything outside, I put my things away (she has always been the messy one), and I even put the toilet seat down and change the toilet paper roll when it runs out. I'm a good roommate. 👍

  90. Damn!!! You legit just described me to a tee! Best part is, I cover 90% of the bills too, it’s such a rewarding experience I get to live on the daily. 🤣

  91. Household chores and sex are not related. We both have things we have to do. I cook and she does the dishes. We split chores evenly and always pick up after ourselves. We do our own laundry since I like it done my way and she likes it done her way. Our house is never messy or cluttered. Thank god. I take care of the maintenance of the house inside and out unless it is something beyond my skill set or I don’t have proper tools for and don’t want to spend the money on tools I will only use once. She takes care of the bills and stuff like that. I need to get in on that so I know what’s going on god forbid something happens to her. She mentioned to me years ago that I’d I did more around the house she would be more inclined to want sex. And like a dumb ass I believed her. After a year nothing changed. But is did. Went back to doing my list of shit to do and left the rest to her. Bottom line… in my case anyway. Doing more is not going to make sex more abundant and t easier to get. I’m ya just gunna make me more tired and frustrated. And I’m sick of being frustrated.

  92. Also don't forget that no matter YOUR standards, it's likely your wife or female partner takes the brunt of social and emotional disapproval if it doesn't meet 'standards'. That's often really fundamental in "why do you even care so much about X" and arguments about domestic labour.

  93. Hmmmn I wonder. Do you ever make sure ur woman is really pleased like really really? Maybe you haven't made her Orgasm and she's mad using dishes to get one form of pleasure from you maybe idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  94. Just because there is a dead bedroom doesn’t mean automatically one partner isn’t pulling their own weight. It could be one factor but it also may not be.

  95. I agree. I think it’s weird how hung up people get on keeping score of household chores. Reading the comments here has opened my eyes to how bad some dudes truly are and I sympathize for sure. There’s some guys out there that are bad. But idk, if both people are trying to be apart of the team and pull their weight why does it still come back to chores?

  96. If I’m not putting my 50% into my marriage, I’m not getting anything. Sex, cuddles, acknowledgments… nothing! Chores are really the least of her worries, she doesn’t dangle sex by a rope if I’m doing the dishes.

  97. Most guys aren’t looking for an equal partner, their looking for a replacement mommy they can bang. Sigmund Freud is laughing at the state of modern dating/marriage cause it does nothing but prove him right. When couples have kids and they start doing chores, it’s funny how it’s always the chores the father should have been doing in the first place. Now his children are maids in progress just like their mom. There is no accountability for these men and it’s disgusting. They teach their sons to sit on their ass and do nothing cause it’s the woman’s job and the cycle continues. You have no idea how many family dinners and cooked and cleaned up after while the men and boys in the house sit on their ass. How can the wives say anything when it turns into a fight or worse? Easier to shut up and put up. I honestly think this weaponized incompetence that men perpetuate is a form of abuse and should be treated as such.

  98. Exactly right. I always get a big kick out of the "help them with the housework to rekindle their desire" tip. It's one of the biggest crocks of shit around that if you help the woman out with the housework that it will put her more in the mood for you sexually. When you were dating and you were driving your girl around in your car and suddenly, unsolicited, there was a head going up and down in your lap, was it because you were a good guy and had helped her do her dishes earlier in the day? What a joke.

  99. You mean back when she had no responsibilities and just got to live her life on her own terms without having to be a caretaker for a house full of people?

  100. And if she perceives this as transactional it will NOT work. It needs to be done for her without expecting something in return.

  101. It's a quick excuse that the media started back in the 1980s-ish. Swooning for husbands who push the vacuum cleaner around the room. Then the Homer Simpson cliches appeared in the media.

  102. Cool story… and when the wife did all those tasks as well? Even literally being the one to check for bears in the night. And renovating bathrooms while being ignored by a video game playing husband.

  103. You bring up some good points. It kind of reminds me of an episode of Home Improvement. Jill forgets to put oil in the car and burns the engine up. Tim throws a tantrum about it and Jill thinks he’s just being dumb and ridiculous. Then Tim actually starts rebuilding the engine and Jill sees how much work all of that entails, and they make up. Anyways I think the story definitely works for both genders on this sub. Maybe it’s about just understanding/appreciating the work your partner does? How you add to it? How you can lessen it? And men and women should try to understand it? Idk just bouncing ideas

  104. Just about every study done on the gender differences in household labor show women spending about twice as much time doing chores and the managerial tasks of running a household. This is research that actually measures what goes on in relationships. But keep patting yourself on the back for keeping the zombies away.

  105. In many instances its an excuse. You can rectify that by pulling your weight and doing a ton a chores. Sex life won't change but there will be a new reason as to why she/he doesn't want to.

  106. Nope- The 5 Love Languages (and/with it's book of the same name) was one of the most accepted in scientific circles like interpersonal relationships, etc. It's still regarded very highly. Talks about how everyone shows (& in turn, receives) love in different ways- some through physical gifts, some through affirmations, some through intimacy, etc. It seems like a common sense 'just do all of em- everyone wants each of these things' but does a phenomenal job pointing out how if we don't care so much about recieving physical presents; chances are we won't SHOW love/affection in terms of physical gifts as we see it less valuable/not as important in relationships ourselves. Worth a read, or at least a spark notes read, through. Can I promise it will change anything? Absolutely not. Could it give you a better/different point of view? I'd say definitely...

  107. I thinks it’s like a task completed means reward in the bedroom but I can see that being a chore for both ends feeling that the only way to get action is to work so now you are not doing it for pleasure or fun it’s more of a job now witch isn’t as fun. I’m sure if it works in relationships it’s because they have a healthy sexual relationship and just do the chore for sex thing as a little bonus but if it’s not then the chore to have sex is now a job witch is not as fun in the bedroom especially if it’s in your own home

  108. I more than hold up my half (and then some) of the stuff in the house and I still don't get sex so they aren't tied to each other in my house.

  109. I think there may be women married to men who are slobs and they feel like they are taking care of another child instead of having a partner but i think a lot of women just do not know why they dont want to have sex with their husbands and say 'maybe if you do more chores' as a reason when that's probably not the reason. Its more than likely a bunch of micro aggressions that build up over time throughout the relationship that are not discussed or dealt with that lead to resentment and a lack of desire for sex.

  110. It's not transactional per se, but for my LLF ex-partner it took a while to admit the following: she was withholding sex because consciously or not, she felt she "wasn't getting her part of the deal", so she didn't want me to be "rewarded" with "mine" lest I get complacent. The way I understood it (too late), it was more of a defensive reflex than a carefully thought out strategy, so I don't hold it against her.

  111. My experience is that we both work a lot and can get behind on chores. We do divide the work equally and when something doesn't get done I don't resent him at all. I know he does his best and I do my best. So basically we are overworked. The difference is for me it's very hard to be in the mood when I'm tired, stressed and the house is dirty.

  112. The reason we assume this may be an issue is because studies indicate that ~94% of women in hetero relationships handle the bulk of the domestic load. That’s true even where partners both work full time.

  113. So. Im actually not married, I just see this a lot on the Internet where women complain that their lazy men expect sex when they don’t do chores. And men argue that they do allll the chores and their wives just spend money or whatever.,, and from the outside looking in, idk I don’t understand it. I get that it’s about respect. Your wife isn’t your maid/mom/slave. Don’t treat her like one. BuT I also don’t understand how whenever a lack of sex comes up, it’s just default to blame the man for not pulling his weight doing chores. It’s very disturbing some of the comments on this post about men being complete slobs and women having to pick up every little piece trash in their lives. And in those situations, yes ABSOLUTELY, those guys should be better. But if there’s a lack of sex in a average relationship, the default is the guy is a slob.

  114. Except studies do actually support that more egalitarian workloads are associated with happier relationships and more sex. So the LLs you're accusing of personal bias do actually have experiences that line up with the majority of studies (unequal workload, unhappy relationship with less sex).

  115. It's easy to see the double standard from some of these comments. A lot don't suggest a gender...the comments that do all suggest it's a man not doing his part around the house. Not even a blink or second thought it could be the other way...

  116. Reading through the comments it's a very strange double standard. I do most of the chores in my own home while working a full time job. Doing 90% of the chores has never lowered my libido. I understand the reasoning behind why you would be less attracted to your partner, but i don't understand why your libido is lower. I don't like chicolate milk less because my partner doesn't clean up after themselves. I'll also still like basketball. If there's dirty plates on the counter i will have a mess to clean up, and i will still be in the mood for sex. I think for some of us that are hl we want sex because we want sex, it isn't related to our environment.

  117. That’s kind of why I asked the question haha. Like so what if there’s dishes in the sink? It’s not that big of a deal we can do them tomorrow let’s get freaky haha. But after reading the comments I understand that for some women it’s literally a hell and I understand it better now haha

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