I’m about to break my gfs heart, and I don’t know what to do

  1. That's what pains me about these kinds of things, people get so caught up in their guilt for relying on and being supported by people that they self-sabotage. It's okay to want to break up if you feel it's the best thing for you, it's not okay to try and turn around and say it's the best thing for the other person, only they can decide what's best for them. There is nothing wrong with being supported by someone who is readily offering it, and you should cherish these people, not push them away in some misguided attempt to take care of them.

  2. I came here to say exactly this. My best friend has a track record of unconsciously only dating people with metal health problems. In the past 5 years all of her relationships/dating partners have ended it due to their mental health.

  3. Omg please take this advice!!!! I was on the other side of this too and it was absolutely gut wrenching. I loved him and was willing to go through the motions with him.

  4. I wish my fiance read this because she did exactly that. She broke up with me literally like how OP wants to break up. It’s just sad…

  5. Been there too, exactly this. I hated not having a say and having that choice taken from me. I hated having it decided for me that he wasn’t “good enough” for me.

  6. Yep. Currently going through this right now and it’s devastating. It’s also incredibly infuriating… I’m an adult and able to make my own choices. Hated hearing this stuff spouted at me as the reason for the breakup. Felt like the ability to choose for myself was taken away.

  7. This! Speak, communicate and don't assume what's best for her. She's a grown woman and she can speak for herself if she wants to be there for you during your journey or if you are a burden for her. My ex also assumed I'd be better off without him without ever asking me how i felt and what i wanted nor what was bothering him.

  8. My cousin broke up with someone because they felt they were a burden. They regret it years later. Don't do it for that reason. It's HER choice to support you and be with you through all that. Don't lose the best thing that's happened to you because you feel like you don't deserve it or are bringing the other person down. Please

  9. as someone who has been broken up with because my ex felt like a burden, don't go into the conversation looking to break up. Tell her how you are struggling and find a solution together. This is what I would have wanted for myself.

  10. It seems like you’re feeling really stressed and overwhelmed and think that the only way to alleviate this is to break up with her, but.. why? People deserve to be loved even in their worse moments, and that includes you. I very much doubt that you’ll be doing her any favors. She’s a grown woman and if she loves you and chooses to be with you, that is her own decision. You cannot make the decision for her on whether that’s the right thing for her or not. She’s clearly decided it is right for her and that’s what she wants, so.. ya. To me, if you love this person and want to be with her, you should honor those feelings and instead of trying to isolate and avoid, you can work on the situation by seeking therapy. I myself have bouts of depression and my boyfriend also has struggled with depression, but we’re there for each other. Neither of us are a “burden” to the other. We’re just human and are imperfect, but we care for one another and are there for each other. It just seems like you.. don’t feel like you deserve to have a good relationship or love because you’re not worthy of that. And OP, if that is the case, I can guarantee you that breaking up is not the solution. Rather, addressing those feelings head on is the solution. Also, express your thoughts to your gf and see what she says. She will likely be compassionate and caring, if she’s as nice a girl as you say. You can work through it together. You don’t have to be sad forever (really). Just make a decision to seek help to get to the other side of the sadness. Best of luck to you. You are worthy.

  11. My partner did this recently without even talking to me about it. It was blindsiding and broke my heart into 15 million pieces. Months later and I still can’t get over him and am still so hurt and wish he would have given me a chance. You’re supposed to lean on your partner for support, not leave them.

  12. someone did this to me before and it absolutely hurt to have all say taken away from me. please please communicate with her what you just told us. i was broken up with because he thought he was only hurting me and he didn’t want to be responsible for causing me more pain, but it was perhaps even more painful to be treated as if my opinion and choice didn’t matter; that he made a conclusion and acted drastically on it without talking to me about it.

  13. You’re lot being fair to yourself or her. You’re assuming you’re a burden on her but you are not. She is uplifting you and supporting you because she cares about you and thinks you deserve it, which you do. Don’t hurt her just because you want to hurt yourself. This is self destructive behavior and will only lead into more spiraling.

  14. This honestly sounds like you're making a lot of assumptions and acting selfishly. Unless she's explicitly SAID you're a burden, which I doubt and it doesn't sound like, you're probably projecting.

  15. Communication is key. If you truly love one another, this is something you two will get pass. It may not be easy, but the struggles you two endure together will, hopefully, bring you closer

  16. Don’t break up with someone because you feel like a burden. Go back to therapy and get on medication if you aren’t already. Keep pushing and focus on your mental health. Do what you think is best for you, not for her. She’s a big girl and can decide if she wants to leave you or not. Don’t make the decision for her out of guilt.

  17. If you truly feel that you need to work on yourself by yourself and simply can not do that while in a relationship then do that. If you choose that route then be honest with her about it. Tell her that you have alot you need to work on within yourself and don't have the capacity to be a proper partner to her in that process.(in your own words obviously) For her to understand your struggles you have to tell her about your struggles. Keeping her in the dark about parts of it isn't helping her or you. However, it's possible to work on yourself while with a supportive partner. Having a supportive, honest, partner can be really helpful. Its possible for both of you to lean on each other, get a perspective other than your own in tough times, and grow together towards who you both want to be. It doesn't have to be getting better OR a healthy relationship, it can be both. But it starts with being fully honest with her and telling her how you've been thinking, regardless of what path you feel is right for yourself.

  18. Feeling like a burden is a symptom of your mental illness. Would you be open to sharing your fears with your gf? If you wish to break up because you want to completely focus on your wellbeing to get better, that’s a healthy choice. If you are breaking up because you think you don’t deserve a caring person in your life, then that’s depression speaking to you. If she is willing to stand by you and you two can keep good emotional boundaries so she is not taking on the role of a therapist to you, then you can heal together. I wish my ex could have given us this chance. I wish the best to you, whatever you choose to do. I hope you feel better.

  19. If you ask her “do you want to breakup” and she says no, take that as a no and enjoy your relationship. You both clearly love eachother. She clearly loves you enough to support you through this so just let her. If it gets too much, she will tell you. This will pass eventually for you and you will have a strong ass connection between the two of you and that’s worth it’s weight in gold

  20. I’m sure everyone here is going to give you asspats and support your decision to be a complete moron but I’m just going to tell you the truth: you’re being a monumental dumbass by breaking up with this girl that clearly cares about you.

  21. Dont leave her just yet. Please explain your circumstance to her and see if there's a way to work it out long-term. A girl who takes care of you when she has many other important things she could be doing truly cares about you and most likely sees you in her future.

  22. Truly sounds like what you need is not a break up - seems like you really love her and she’s there for you even at your lowest. You need to communicate how you’re feeling with her, and come up with a plan to fix it together.

  23. I’d say don’t break up with her yet. I think it’s up to her to set that boundary for her mental health. If she feels like she can support you, let her. Only she knows what she’s capable of

  24. Don’t do it. It’s part of your self sabotaging depression. This is the dark inner voice that tries to corrupt everything good you have. She sounds wonderful. You’ll only regret it.

  25. Im speaking selfishly As a recent recipient of this? Please don’t. Please fight. Please fight to keep her. I know you’re struggling and I’m glad you don’t want to hurt her. I really am. And I’m glad you can recognize that you’re hurting in a way you don’t want her to. I can respect that. But I know I wanted to stay for him. That I loved and love him with my whole soul and I would have braved ANYTHING with him. Just…maybe don’t give up yet. Communicate with her. Tell her exactly what’s going on. It’s only fair. I can tell you really respect her, and in my mind communication, openly and freely, is the most respectful you can be of another person and their love. Please. On the subject of your mental state, I really hope it gets better. I really do. I really hope you find peace and happiness in yourself. Because you do deserve it

  26. Happened to me once. I was depressed to the core, I wasn’t in shape both physically and mentally so I left her. Now that I’ve become better man I regret leaving her and I tried to reach out to her but she didn’t want me back cuz all of the pain she went thru. She didn’t want to experience that pain one more time it seems

  27. I want you to imagine if she did this to you. What if she felt she was a burden to you and left you? You’d feel pretty bad, wouldn’t you? And I bet you’d feel like you failed her in some way. That’s how she’s gonna feel. I want you to tell her how you feel and what your concerns are. I bet you are not a burden to her and you just feel that way. She’s been there for you all this time, you didn’t force her to do that. I think you’ve got a good relationship here, just communicate your feelings and see how she responds.

  28. Same as others said. I am the ex of a blindside breakup earlier this year. It was caused by a problem he told me he has about 6 months prior but never would tell me exactly what it was. But telling me at the breakup they had been suffering only made me feel horrible that I could have missed this…even though I now know they were hiding how good or bad they felt.

  29. The only reason you would have to break up with her is if she herself said she couldn't handle it. Have a talk, tell her everything, she's obviously trustworthy. She will understand if she really loves you the way you say.

  30. If you really love her you would trust her with your heart. If she is as amazing as you say, then you need to let her know about your struggles. Let her know about the time you almost gave up, let her know that there is a darkness in you that you don't understand. Don't assume you're a burden, you can't think for someone else. Don't assume you're doing someone a favor by leaving, because it may be the worst thing you could do. Be brave enough to be vulnerable with her. If you leave her without her understanding your truth, it will blindside her and damage her more than you know. Don't run away because you feel inadequate, fall into her arms and let her help you through this. If she loves you, she will want to be there for you. Communication and transparency I would argue, are the two most important parts of a healthy relationship. Be brave brother, don't give up without giving her a chance to love the hurt out of you. But you have to also work on yourself and be honest with yourself about the things you lack. But you don't have to be alone to do that.

  31. Will you just shut the fuck and accept that she loves you and she is smart enough to make her own damn choices? She’s choosing to be with you. Worry about your future Jesus Christ man take some testosterone or go dancing in the woods

  32. If she is as handsome as you say, she deserves you to move your ass and hurry up to make things better for her, she is with you because she love you, proove her she is right and start to move

  33. My husband recently told me he thought I would be better off without him because his anxiety and depression (just a thought not him actually trying to leave) and it broke my heart to hear him say because he is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me! I can't even imagine my life without my funny sweet handsome cool husband! But he said sometimes that's how he feels and when he communicated that to me I decided I needed to tell him everyday and everything that he did that was wonderful and special to me about him and I hope in time he realizes exactly how special he is! I couldn't truly live and be alive without him I would just be a shell of a person. Maybe you don't have to break up she might just feel the same way I do!

  34. i sincerely hope you change you’re mind to just end it and work things out,she’s supporting you because she wants to. Believe in yourself like she believes in you best wishes

  35. So instead of leaning on her as a support system just throw her away. Don't talk about what you're going through, no no. You've got the right idea, just throw away the best thing to ever happen to you, I'm sure she won't mind.

  36. As someone who went through the process of my partner self-sabotaging himself and shutting me out of everything without even TRYING to communicate, it absolutely broke me.

  37. Why would you want to push the good thing that you have in your life right now? You inferred that you got better after you met her so instead of breaking up with her, why don't you keep pushing yourself to get better and better because she believes in you. If you break up with her, you won't do her any favors but i think you will also make things worse for yourself. If you love her as much as you say you do, don't think the break-up will be any easier on you because you made the decision. Involve her in your thought process, take a break if you need but to break up with her for hersake, i am sorry but that just doesn't make sense.

  38. A word of advice: Don’t make a decision that you may regret when you’re in a very emotional state. I had depression hit about every six months in my last relationship and I would try to breakup with my ex. My depression got better and we’d be fine. The last time we did actually breakup was after a very emotional therapy session and my therapist told me to think it through, and that same night I felt I had the answer (I don’t think I did looking back) and I ended things. A few days later, I realized what I’d done but by then it was too late.

  39. As someone who was your gf in the same scenario. Rushing the break up is the most frustrating part. If she loves you, she would probably do anything to support your through this. And if you care about her the way you say, it’s worth making a real effort to work through it together.

  40. My loved one do this to me. I'm 100% support him ib whatever he want to do. But when he choose to BU with me, I'm not agree with that. If he has some inconvenience in his heart, speak to me. Not bailing me. I'm okay to be his supporter, listener, as long as he's willing to be supported and listened. He keep pushing good friends away because of his insecurities and anxiety. It's all just 'what if', it's never the reality of that person. Trust me, communicate with her rather than run away. You're actually not trying to save her but saving yourself instead. You're not doing her a favor because that decision you're make just to sooth yourself. It's kinda selfish to me. I am still mad at him, believe me, even though i want to forgive him.

  41. Agreed do not run just open up slowly and I'm sure she would understand and be excited to hear you.... You never know you co end up having her help you with your anxiety your depression and everything else just don't run please don't run that will hurt her so bad

  42. I did this before I got treated for my anxiety disorder. Medication helped me tremendously. I very much regretted it, but if it’s right, you will find your way back together when you’re healthier. It took us 7 years, but we eventually came back to each other when I was in a healthier state.

  43. You probably have good days. Ask her in that days, what she wants to do? Just so she geht's the same love, she gives you.

  44. When someone truly loves you they expect nothing in return except you. It’s hard to come to grips sometimes with the thought that “we have nothing to offer, and yet this person still loves me?”. That kind of unconditional love is very very rare. I’ve only ever experienced it once in my life unfortunately. But if you think about it, she’s loving you at your worst. That’s extremely rare dude. Obviously you should still want to work on yourself. But I wouldn’t do this to her, or yourself. You need all the love you can get.

  45. i think it really depends on the situation. my ex broke up with me for this reason as well. he said he felt like he was doing me an injustice if he was screwed up and dragging me down with him. i told him he should have asked my feelings on the situation first and he agreed it wasn’t fair and told me he loved me and really didn’t want to be without me. so we worked it out. but because of his issues that led to him being very inconsistent and breaking things off with me about 5 more times before i finally just had to walk away. but the truth is, we shouldn’t have continued on going. i knew for a while he wasn’t meeting my needs and he actually was bringing me down a lot, i wasn’t happy. we were at different places in life. i’d healed from things in my past and he hadn’t at all. so the right thing to do really would have been to let him go because i knew i wasn’t happy and he knew it too and he knew it was bringing me down. but i didn’t want to lose him so i fought back. now i will say this.. in my situation, he had been very emotionally unavailable and self centered (which makes sense because he was going through it and drained, so perhaps that’s all he could do just to get by), he wouldn’t let me take care of him or help him at all, i offered so many things because i knew he was going through it with his depression but he would never really let me in and he distanced himself a lot & started keeping things very surface level. if this is the case for you, then perhaps you are making the right choice. but if you’re still loving and caring towards her then that’s probably all that matters to her, and in that case being there for you probably isn’t an issue at all for her. sure, she’s likely stressed and worried for you, but if you’re still emotionally available and haven’t checked out of the relationship because of your issues, then i would say talk it out with her. you don’t want to lose someone really great because of your guilt when it’s someone who WANTS to be there for you and love you. this isn’t the advice you asked for i know, but i would say just communicate with her how you’re feeling and ask how she’s feeling and go from there.

  46. You don't. You get your shit together pronto. WTF do you think is going to happen to you without her? It's not going to help your situation. Her being sidelined and watching you implode powerless to do anything about it will just make her fall apart. There is only one solution. You need a job and everything else will fall into place. The depression will go away as soon as you have some purpose to your life and the resources to make it happen. Apply for jobs you don't think you'll get but that you want to have, that sounds fun. I did that once and ended up having a career in a field that lasted 8 years doing something awesome. You never know, maybe the interviewers childhood best friend had your name and they feel nostalgic and give you the job, anything can happen. I've seen it before, you could wind up with a whole new life a year from now. Don't ditch your chick man, it's a bad move. You'll regret it.

  47. Damn are you my ex? My ex broke up with me for this almost exact reason. She had a history of cutting and she relapsed and she broke up with me in the process because she said she needed space in order to get better again. As much as I wanted to respect her needs it still hurt me in the process because I was willing to be by her side while she fought her demons. But I do look back and if she wasn’t willing to let me be there for her then it would of just lead to more conflict in the end which would of interrupted her healing process. I think you really should have a real conversation with your partner about how your feeling and discuss your options rather then just breaking up with them because it’s going to blindside them. I know it blindsided me because I thought our relationship was going great up until the last 2 weeks when we started having conflict and it turned out it was because she was cutting again and I didn’t know and she was stressed I was going find out. I just wish she would of came to be and told me how she was feeling but I don’t think she was really ready to face it herself yet so I guess she couldn’t face it with me either yet.

  48. You do it in private and in person. You bring her a gift. You sit her down and tell her everything. The truth. You tell her you love her but you need space to help yourself. That this doesn’t mean you want her out of her life. That you care for her greatly. You ask her if she has questions. You ask her how she feels. You ask her if she needs anything. You hold her and spend time with her. You cherish her and show her affection and you have a conversation about boundaries. After today: what will the relationship look like. What things are and not allowed. Will you do space and become friends ? Or just keep friends without the sex or etc. have this conversation so she’s involved in the choice as well.

  49. You've gotten good advice. I'll just chime in and say don't fucking do this. Grow as you go. Talk to her about what you're feeling. If my partner did that they would get nothing but support and love.

  50. Don't do it. Please for the love of God don't do it. I have all of the above. Depression, anxiety and a panic disorder, I go into bouts of feeling like I'm doing nothing but hurting people. I push people away because I feel like I'm bad for them. Please, this feels like you trying to do the same. Punishing yourself. Self sabotage. Please don't do it. Talk to her and tell her how you're feeling. You do better when you have someone there supporting you, and I know if I was in her shoes I would rather try to help you then let you push me away.

  51. Tell her how you feel, it’s important to have someone who can be there for you and I’m sure she would. Depression and mental health is no joke but you have to talk about it with someone, so please don’t keep it to yourself, it really does get worse, from my experience at least.

  52. Just talk to her and be honest. Tell her you don't want to lose her but that you need to slowdown. Why break up???? Just slow down. Tell her need to focus on your mental health and she can focus on her schooling. See each other once a week to hang out. Just explain everything to her. You don't have to let her go. She seems like the type that would give you the space you need and still remain faithful. I mean if you don't feel you will ever get yourself in control than maybe you should let her go but for now let her help you. Just my 2 cents. Do you use marijuana??? It can work wonders if you get the right strain and right potency. Indica gummies work wonders for anxiety and depression. Not so much when smoking it but edibles really help. Do you live in a place where it is legal??? Just a suggestion. It helped me. Good luck and just be honest.

  53. How about you ask her instead of making assumptions about what she is or isn't able to handle? She's an adult, if this relationship was actually too hard for her I'm sure she's smart enough to end it herself if she wanted to. You're not doing her any favours by taking that agency away

  54. You’re doing the right thing. She doesn’t know how to stop giving - she’ll exhaust herself just trying to ‘heal’ you. Letting her go is the kindest thing you can do right now - but please let her know why, or she’ll think there’s something wrong with her.

  55. If I could offer some advice, just as many others have said on here, don’t make that choice for her. Just talk to her. Communicate and be honest about how you feel. She’s not going to look at you differently for it. And she will most likely still choose to be there with you while you work it all out. Even if she doesn’t, and chooses to give you the space to work it out yourself without her help, at least it will be her choice.

  56. If your going to break up with her, do it because you want to. Its up to her to decide if your a burden. I'd suggest telling her exactly what you posted here first and see what she has to say before pulling the ripcord.

  57. I know this is rather generic for an answer, but relationship therapy/counselling tends to be quite good for these sorts of scenarios, as they help the two of you set more realistic boundaries that may help make the relationship more sustainable. It can also help to distribute the load by asking your friends and other trusted individuals for support or just to spend time with them, which is something that is sometimes overlooked if you’re in a romantic relationship.

  58. I’m gonna sound a bit direct and harsh here but you’re telling me you have a supportive woman by your side through thick and thin and you’re going to break her heart because you’re depressed? That’s a really weak and selfish move. Just tell her you’re not mature enough to handle a relationship and then go to therapy and take charge of your life. For real.

  59. Do not break her heart. Dumpers are the worst kind of people. Talk to her about things! Don't just end them. My gosh.

  60. This is not you thinking from a place you should make desitions (says someone with an untreated mood disorder and a who can identify with lots of things you describe) and I really think you should stop and see it out of your self pity and Self-loathing .

  61. i hate to break it to brother but straight breaking up with her is the worst way to go about it. tell her everything thats going on in where you are in life truthfully n don’t hold anything back. the truth is more freeing than anything and what someone who you dedicated urself too and cares about you deserves in this kinda situation. the truth is even going to be better for both for both of you, trust me. explain you need distance, and why. If she fights your choice to the end break up with her for not respecting needing to handle ur own issues first. if she wants to peacefully wait around or do what she can to still be apart of your life, let her love you man. love is unconditional, i bet if you were doing good for yourself and she was going through mental issues you’d want her to do the same thing.

  62. Maybe try taking some space? Talking it out and distancing and trying again in perhaps a month or two?

  63. You realise sitting down with her and talking this out would result in a much better and more mutual outcome. Anyone whose ever been dumped like this would tell you that. Once you have the talk you’re both at least on the same page and can make it work or agree that some time apart is beneficial.

  64. I'm in a similar place. I love my boyfriend and have been with him for half a year, but my mental health has gotten considerably worse as it does towards the end of every year. I also nearly offed myself, but 2 years ago. I can see how much I bring him down and I know it's only bound to get worse once I start getting heavily suicidal again.

  65. As a girl that went through this recently with her ex (and knows about his attempt) him communicating (or trying to) his feelings helped me better under stand him and his reasoning for the breakup i wish i could have tried helping him get through this more with him but he hid a lot from me with how he was feeling, just so he wouldnt be a burden. it is hard seeing your loved one struggle and i can only speak for myself, but trying to help and understand him better with his mental health helped me a lot through our relationship. it was also 6 months long but knowing how his mind worked, helped me help him. i knew how to distract him and knew who he should contact to talk to because i knew i couldn't be his care giver and that he needed someone more than just me.

  66. You have to get it back together,and quickly too. Don't break this wonderful girl's heart. You are luckier than most to have someone who genuinely cares about you. Make it work,and we wish you all the best.

  67. In my opinion, not too many people initiate breakups out of 100% altruistic motives. You could be an exception, I can’t say for sure. I think though that you need to be 100% honest with yourself as to why you wish to break up with your girlfriend. Do you think at this very point that she is out of your league and will eventually leave you anyway? Are you uncomfortable with the amount of devotion she is showing you because you either don’t think you deserve it? Or you possibly doubt that you would do the same for her if the shoe was on the other foot? Are you not motivated to try to better your situation and breaking up with her is simply easier? Again, I don’t know your exact situation and I make no judgment. Just think long and hard and be 100% honest with yourself and with her.

  68. You deserve it bro!! Just like she deserves the best you that you can provide! Use her as part of the healing from sad shit but in your mind first. Its at least worth a try…

  69. Lol here i am thinking whether if you are my ex, because the age, gender, length of relationship, and situation are the same

  70. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, OP. I have bipolar disorder and suffer from anxiety as well and I'm familiar with feeling like I'm a burden. I hope you can get through this.

  71. Hi there! Hope you can be able to get help soon and get better with time and theraphy. Depression is something really complex and hard to go thru and requires a lot of work to get better, the intense pain and fear you feel is unbearable.

  72. why do some people think like they’re holding others back? please talk to her before you break it off, you never know if this is an issue that can be resolved by just simple communication.

  73. I recommend you get on some medication, antidepressants and benzos. I don't think you should break up with her, but tell her you are really struggling and you may need to take some space while you get help. Your depression and anxiety should not be making this decision for you, especially since this sounds like a loving relationship. You may feel like you don't deserve love or like you need to save her from you, but that's your depression and anxiety talking. If you are already on medication, clearly something needs to be switched up. Hoping the best for you.

  74. What a vile fucking thing to say to someone who is struggling. How about next time you have nothing nice to say, don't comment.

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