Calm, unflappable people, how do you do it?

  1. Either you can control the situation and outcome in which case there's no point in worrying, or you cannot, in which case there's no point in worry. Either way, I have no control and free will is an illusion, so why waste energy getting stressed about it.


  3. I have a system. I call it the Obama Pause. I noticed Obama often took a pause before answering questions. When asked about this he said he pauses to think about his answer.

  4. I'll look into that, thanks. I've tried all sorts of mindfulness, calm books etc. but most evade this area and focus on 'reducing stress'.

  5. For a while I worked in an admin role in an operating theatre. It put what I do in perspective. No-one will die if I send an email to the wrong person.

  6. I get quite stressed and can catastrophise a lot. However people think I'm calm as I don't show it outwardly much. Not very healthy I'm sure but it may be others that you see are the same.

  7. It's the same as holding a cup of tea that's too hot, but you don't want to drop it on the floor, nor rush as it would spill on the floor and on your hand both of which would be worse - so you engage your frontal lobes, show some inhibition and calmly move to the side to place it down in good time, remembering slow is smooth and smooth is fast. The same happens in my work during arrest situations, trauma, or emergencies, I just don't let the monkey screech externally - I usually use a placeholder phrase like "okay... fine..." and then proceed. It gets easier, I'm still screaming inside, I'm not devoid of fear, you just cope.

  8. Usually it's because I'm watching with mental popcorn thinking "i wonder how bad this is going to get". It's not necessarily that I don't care but sometimes it's like watching situational cringe comedy, you just can't look away.

  9. I think you need to pause and think for a moment. Think about what a reasonable, proportionate, justified and appropriate response actually is.

  10. I'm just like you, I would love to be that cool calm and collected person I see but no matter how hard I try I just can't not explode from time to time

  11. I think it would be worthwhile to do some therapy, even if it's just self help, because I think it's likely that there is something behind your intense responses here. The difference between you and the people you see who are calm, is likely that you have some trauma which they don't, or which they have processed and you haven't.

  12. I think most including myself just don't care, you're paid to do the bare minimum in most peoples cases, I don't care about problems in my work, why stress about stuff when it's not in your job description to go the extra mile

  13. Interesting perspective. I guess previously working freelance, my reputation affects my employability and fundamentally whether I work or not, not like in contracted environments where you can afford a bit of nonchalance.

  14. I think that when a life changing event happens, either to you or someone close, you will realise how trivial all else is. With me it was several "near death" moments.

  15. Interestingly, I could probably write a hefty handbook on dealing with life changing events, it's the medium and macro that get to me the most. As if this time everything needs to be right, time is also limited so response is required. Just writing that, it's interesting how the perspective in my head changed. This is definitely an area I can address.

  16. Overreacting doesn't really change the outcome. Try and think logically to solving an issue than emotionallly

  17. I have, it's a nice idea but it doesn't do a thing and in practise most of the time requires you to go off and assign 10-40minutes somewhere and zone out. That's not possible 9/10 times.

  18. If you're getting upset by opinions online, then literally just put your phone on the other side of the room and watch TV or something.

  19. I tend to assess what the very worst possible case scenario is. Take a job interview, very easy to flap and crumble under pressure. But worst case scenario is nothing. I don't get the job and nothing in my life changes. That thought let's me enter the interview with way less nerves. It works with a lot of things.

  20. It’s like I tell my kids if they are afraid in the dark. If there is a monster it will either get you and you’ll die so won’t care about it. Or it’ll get you and you’ll fend it off and survive. Just chill man!

  21. Not sure I entirely agree here. Sometimes through worrying comes reflection and a thought process that enables a way forward. Been plenty of times I’ve not seen an immediate solution, but in consideration over night a different spin has been found.

  22. Used to be a crippling diazepam addiction, now? I don't know, I guess I've gone through the stress of withdrawals so anything just seems easy in comparison

  23. I think a lot of the calm and unflappable people you see aren't as calm and unflappable as you perceive them to be. I think that a lot of them are just better at hiding how they feel and particularly in controlling their voice, get comfortable with pausing before speaking and controlling the rate at which they speak and act.

  24. Not giving a flying fuck mostly, I'm completely indifferent to nearly everything other than a few things I do care slightly about. My ability to not give a fuck didn't come naturally though i obtained this through mental illness and the drugs used to treat said illness. It's also the reason its 3am and I'm nowhere close to falling asleep yet

  25. Recognise that your first reaction is likely irrational. Try as hard as I can to suppress this and count to 5 before reacting.

  26. It could be a conditioned reflex from your childhood. Did a parent go off on one for small indiscretions. The other possibility is you don't have enough experience under your belt. In the construction industry they say in a months time you will have forgotten all about it. Which is true. You will have had to sort out any amount of other problems by then.

  27. I just got a big promotion because I’m one of those people who never reacts stays calms and finds the positive in everything. I’m now the relationship manager lol

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