Gay people of reddit, whats the hardest part about being gay?

  1. always being on edge/on guard when ur out with ur partner in public. not sure if you can hold their hand or kiss them or show any kind of affection. it’s sucks, i just wanna hold their hand walking thru the park but it’s a 50/50 chance if it’s gonna be fine or if someone’s gonna do something to us

  2. I grew up in a smaller town. I’m bi, so a little of this, a little of that. I had some gay porn between my mattress and box spring. Some “friends” and my ex gf found it while I was at work. That shit spread like fucking wildfire. My ex gf and her new bf had a blast outing me to anybody who would listen. This was all about 15 years ago and it haunts me to this day. When I texted her and begged her to stop, she responded with “HAHAHAHAHAHA!” and we never spoke again.

  3. I swear, every girl who bullied and ostracized me for being a lesbian in school is now a nurse who posts "Love is love! Happy Pride Month! #ally" every June.

  4. When I was in high school, still in the closet, I had a super close male friend. Never any romantic feelings there, we were both just awkward kids who got each other. One day he was over at my house and we were play wrestling, and I remember thinking “if I come out, we are never going to be able to do this again.”

  5. When I was in HS, I developed late. I was a junior with no leg hair. This girl tells me I'm gay and I just haven't admitted it yet. Now, I'm not gay, and I knew I wasn't gay, but she was relentless in bullying me about it.

  6. This and hating the whole hookups culture hurt the most. I read too many things about gay guys always hooking up and only looking for hookups, so I just kinda end up excluding myself from the gay community. Then being in heavily religious states causes me to feel excluded in the straight communities I’ve been in because either they talk about gays being “sinful” or talk about girls and I just stand there and nod.

  7. yeh I think it's a problem with the mainstream gay community, if you don't fit into a lot of the stereotypes its a lot harder for people to fit it. So many exclude themselves from the gay community becuase of that. I think it also means that many people think they should be able to instantly tell if someone is gay by the way they look or act. And so when you dont act like that people get very surprised when you are gay.

  8. I hope this question doesn't come off in a way that is not intended, because I am sincerely asking: is there is a difference between this and being a straight person who is an introvert?

  9. Laws had to be changed so gay couples could see each other in the hospital because it was only immediate family or husband/wife of the patient. People missed the death of their partner because of that.

  10. Don't worry man, u loved him and they didn't. At the end of the line you got to really enjoy your husband and they just got to experience his funeral. Keep your head up because everything will be fine and as time passes you will realize what's important and go on with just the good memories. Stay strong king <3

  11. My godfather died this year after covid complications. He was the most wonderful gentle brilliant man. I didn’t get to see him often and when his funeral was held, his “friend” gave the eulogy. Everyone was shocked that he was in a gay relationship.

  12. I've never asked out a guy because I have this fear that a straight guy will take offense and punch me. I know it's unlikely, but it sticks in the back of my mind. Edit- just want to say that I greatly appreciate the positive comments, I'm overwhelmed and hope I'm lucky enough to hit on some of you straight guys someday :)

  13. I’m not gay, but for some reason men always think I am, even though I look hardcore and did hard time…is it because I don’t judge them and have nice manners? Over the years I’ve had to tell many men I wasn’t interested. So yeah. I feel bad for those people who take those chances, because most other men that look like me definitely don’t act like me. It’s scary

  14. As a straight dude, that has always baffled me. Because proportionally, the amount of gay folks out there is pretty low (probably depending on where you live too)... so it's gotta be pretty tough walking around and seeing someone you're attracted to, and already having nerves to talk to that person, and then you add on the fact that there could be like a 90% that they aren't even gay! Seems wild.

  15. I love the people in the comments trying to be reassuring like "I'd be flattered!" .... babe, it's not people like YOU people are worried about. It's the violent homophobic assholes.

  16. Ohhh yeah. This is a big one. “He has painted nails, is that supposed to indicate something? What if he’s just a straight guy who’s comfortable with his masculinity? Let me check my gay handbook.”

  17. Finding other gays. Im convinced the majority of gay people have gone into unhealthy relationships bc they had little other option

  18. I still don't know how I am supposed to find someone. I can't ask someone out 'in real life' because they will always be heterosexual and lots of folks take it as an insult if you ask. Some even react violently.

  19. True, but most of us are broken and struggled our half life. You need be healthy to have a healthy and stable relationship. We grow up with our straight family as role models, while gay people where nowhere to see as children. How are we supposed to figure out how a relationship works?

  20. Dude, I hear you. The 80's and 90's were brutal....if anyone thought you were gay you were totally ostracized. In the closet for 42 damn years....still only a couple of close friends know now.....the fear of being alone only to be alone.

  21. My parents act loving and tell me to visit more, but whenever I bring up my fiancee they just. shut down and ignore me until I stop. I've been with her for ten years. My parents are right there and still somehow I lost both my parents.

  22. Hi man, this happened to me too at 15. I really considered suicide during that time, but I'm doing great now! Things ended up working out for me, but I definitely have to do a lot of therapy to deal with those scars. I wish from the bottom of my heart the best of luck for you and for you to lead a peaceful life. Please consider therapy if you aren't already going!

  23. I was really social before I came out as trans. I was in the army. we'd invite people over for holidays and weekends. growing up I always had a GROUP of good friends I even felt comfortable crying around as a "straight guy"....

  24. Abandonment becomes easier when you realize you don't need those people's approval in order for you to be happy. If they really love you, and since love is unconditional, they would accept you no matter what. I'm sorry for their shitty behavior. You are not flawed.

  25. My family disowned me in 2019 because my wife and I got married. My ex-wife are now going through a divorce. So this was the first Thanksgiving I had no one. I feel this... I was crying all last week...

  26. This is a pretty minor annoyance (compared to, say, living in a country where it is illegal to be 🌈). As a gay man I often run into women that’ll treat you like a homo Paris Hilton purse chihuahua.

  27. Especially when they are then weird or grossed out by you doing anything actually gay like kissing another man or being in an actual relationship

  28. happens to queer women too. also from straight women tho! for some straight women it’s like we are accessories that make them cool and hipper than their straight friends. these are the same people who assume being queer is your entire identity and are more obsessed with your sexuality than you are.

  29. I recently left construction and did sometimes wonder. Some of those guys are extremely homophobic. I will say a few were shockingly respectful of the man that delivered our forms one day in a dress and lipstick. There were a few comments but I will never forget the balls that person had to show up to a big construction yard being themselves.

  30. Im a gay machinist and i chose option 3! It sucks! I genuinely like a couple of my coworkers, but i know theyre also very rightwing and if they knew they would 100% treat me very differently.

  31. Being called a groomer and a pedophile. The ridiculous insults of those who want to perpetuate the hate for their own gain. My older sister once asked me to help lead a girlscout troop. I had to explain why that would be a bad idea. The lies. They hurt.

  32. As a straight male, I want to apologize for my behavior before I was 19. I never believed that people were actually attracted to the same gender and it was just a joke that you would use to make fun of friends. When I went to college, I realized that gay people do exist and how much my actions hurt people. The solution is education, education, education.

  33. "Groomer" is something I'm being newly exposed to online, and it seriously hurts so fucking much. Straight people will never understand going on a space like twitter and seeing tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of tweets causing the word "groomer" to trend, almost all about how gay people are awful and sinful and predatory. There is no safe space.

  34. It's eliminationist rhetoric. They're trying to make it acceptable to murder us because pedophiles are seen as worthless & deserving of literally any horrible thing that happens. Trans people especially, the whole 'drag queen story hour' panic is an attempt to demonise trans women.

  35. People don't understand that coming out is not just sitting down face to face and declaring "there's something I need to tell you".

  36. Or literally just making small talk. My wife and i were on a 5hr flight recently and a little old lady was sat next to us on a full plane She asked where we were going and we said where and she asked why and we said for our anniversary and then she just sat there lips pursed for the rest of the flight.

  37. Even when it should be blindingly obvious too. At the birth of our child a nurse assumed my wife and I were sisters. Likewise my neighbors who have seen my wife and I with our kids out and about assumed we were sisters.

  38. I’m straight but have been asked if I’m gay. My Response is “thank you, but I’m not interested”

  39. Im both bi and autistic and my colleagues know nothing about eiter. I think the hardest part is the anxiety from whether others accept you or not

  40. I'm kinda disappointed this wasn't the first comment. (At the time of my comment, may change in the future)

  41. The hate. People just don’t seem to understand that being gay isn’t a life consuming thing, it’s just a part of me, and I feel it to the same amount and extent that you do. I don’t think about it, I can have normal conversations with people, and just like you, I don’t like 99% of my own gender. But people make it so it’s this evil things that changes my entire lifestyle and I chose it and it sucks.

  42. Whenever I have had someone say being gay is a choice, my go to argument is well you’re straight. Do you choose to be straight or are you just attracted to women? “I’ve never thought of it like that.”

  43. This is what really gets me. I live with 2 LGBTQ people and one straight person. It gets brought up as a joke plenty but in actual, serious ways… maybe once a week at most and that’s being generous. But my parents presume it must be all we talk about like… we have interests and personalities outside of it. They hated how much they got on with my lesbian friend because she’s.. a normal person that is incredible bubbly and polite.

  44. This resonates so much! I just don’t want to have to think about whether a potential plumber is homophobic or not.

  45. It's genuinely more difficult to find a partner. 90% of your target population is not interested in you just because of your gender, so you have a much smaller pool to work with. The Internet makes gay people seem much more common than they actually are.

  46. Imagine living in the countryside where the closest gay event is a 2hra road trip. Your dating pool is non existent. My straight friends don't understand this.

  47. This would kind of drive me a little nuts. I know that for gay men casual sex is often more easy to come by than for straight men, but at the same time you aren't afforded the same opportunities that I am. It's not easy to spark relationships.

  48. Other than not knowing if someone is ok with you being gay, I'd say not knowing any other IRL gay people. I used to go to an LGBT community center once or twice a week, but then I decided that I needed some time for myself after work (instead of being exhausted all the time from going out). Lost all my LGBT friends and haven't had a single serious relationship because every time I fall for someone they are not attracted to women. I feel like I'm the only lesbian in the whole country and it makes me feel unloveable, lonely, and powerless.

  49. Based in an arab country. Being seen as the embodiment of sin and the downfall of morality when all i do is eat McDonalds and watch its always sunny.

  50. How does finding a boyfriend work for gay people in the Middle East? I have this image that if you suspect a guy you know is also gay but guess wrong, you could potentially get killed.

  51. “It’s fine if you wanna be gay, but I don’t see why you have to make it your whole personality!” -Person who ignores every other part of my personality because I’m gay

  52. I set my profile pic in overwatch to the rainbow flag and I've had someone go "imagine making a political stance your personality." Like . . . I guess being gay is a political stance??? Also I literally never say anything about it but even if I did being gay is inherently part of my personality it's literally part of who I am.

  53. Imagine being in public with your bf/gf and being afraid to hold their hand. You've probably never felt that. For most of my adult life holding my boyfriend's hand felt like a fucking political statement; like I was putting a target on my back, inviting negative attention. Even now I live in a very progressive city we only engage in PDA in gay neighbourhoods.

  54. This. The last few times I held hands with my boyfriend (Brisbane, Australia) I had 1) someone cycle past on a bike and scream “Gross!” 2) a middle aged man berate us whilst minding our own business walking on a beach… I don’t hold hands anymore. It gives me anxiety.

  55. Yes, I grew up in the Bay Area (one of the most liberal places in the country), and I’ve had several times where people gave dirty looks or said something rude when I was with a boyfriend. Agree about the handholding thing 100%, I always have this internal conflict of wanting to do it but that fear is always present.

  56. Same. We’ve caught disgusted looks while holding hands and now when we’re out together, we never touch. I just want to hold my partner’s hand. That’s it.

  57. Exactly. I remember holding hands in a mall with my ex and getting absolutely glared at. All we were doing is holding hands. That’s it. I also remember going places like the rural south and doing no PDA at all, just in case. Now that I have a boyfriend and I don’t have to worry. I can hold his hand, kiss him, etc in public and no one bats an eye. But two women or two men hold hands? Think of the children!!!!

  58. Yup, I've always lived in a liberal state and have caught a good amount of shit that made me fear for my life (small lesbian, so no hope to fight against attackers). As well as stuff like families crossing to the other side of the road to avoid us and plenty of negative looks.

  59. Me and my boyfriend (we’re both pan) went out on a double date with our gay friends. We were holding hands as we do everywhere and one of our friends just said, in the saddest tone I’ve ever heard, “I am so jealous of you two.” it’s something I’d never really thought of before and it just broke my heart.

  60. Growing up being taught by your family and society that being gay was evil and disgusting. And everyone in school using "gay" as an insult.

  61. Man, did anyone else here legitimately pray to God for years to make them normal? I feel like it's definitely something that happens when growing up in a conservative religious household.

  62. I have a friend who is gay, like gay, GAY, totally flamboyant wears makeup, has long hair, paints his nails, ETC. he is funny and a blast to hang out with.

  63. Reading a list like this, I'm amazed all over again that so many people out there think someone would choose this life or allow themselves to be indoctrinated by other gay people. A list like this should be all a person needs to understand that being gay is not a choice.

  64. The people who say shit like "I don't care if you're gay, just stop expecting me to like it/accept it." No one gives a shit if you like and accept it or not, they just want to be left alone to live their lives, the same way you are. But it's been politically weaponized so now even that is asking too much.

  65. “Just stop expecting me to like it” is very disingenuous. What they mean by that is “stop expecting me to not actively oppose it”. They frame it as though they won’t like it but won’t otherwise get involved, when in reality they actively support political/social movements that oppose homosexuality.

  66. In Western countries, probably actively living with the stress and mental toll that you’ve been subjected to, and being told that it’s our fault, our decision, that we’re just naturally mentally unstable, while watching the same people sympathize with domestic terrorists and claim that they were driven to that point and somehow are the true victims of our lackluster mental health support systems.

  67. Having to stay quiet when somebody asks if you have a girlfriend or talks about women in a sexual way. It’s just really awkward for me I’ve learned to laugh it off

  68. To be honest I’ve always wanted “to be normal.” Like not necessarily straight but just normal. I wish my sexuality wasn’t something to be commented on or a political act.

  69. The fear of being able to be affectionate with my SO in public. Even eating out at a restaurant without side glances or giggles from people is a hassle (will the bill be TOGEEETHER or separate?). I worry about asking people to take our picture on vacations, because I’m worried they’ll refuse or do something to my phone. Yes, I acknowledge a lot may be in my head, but bad experiences leads you to be more cautious. People talk about not understanding how a gay bar can be a sanctuary, but sometimes those are the only places where we can truly relax and not feel like we’re under the judging eye of society

  70. Being overly sexualized by the world as a whole. They hear gay and think 'gay sex'. Some pride parades are made to be very sexual. When a majority of gay people act exactly like straight people, but are attracted to the same sex. With no major differences beyond that.

  71. So many times I’ve come out to people and the first thing they’ve said was “so you’d have sex with a woman?” Like why is that the first thing you think of? Also people being told they’re “too young” to be gay, yet people will see a 3 year old boy playing with a 3 year old girl and say they’re dating

  72. Does being a gay leaning bisexual count? I hate how people assume anytime I'm friendly with a guy that means I automatically have a thing for them, even if they're 100% straight.

  73. Yeah, my uncle knew a very nice gay couple that lived in his neighborhood in Puerto Rico. About a month after meeting them, both were murdered in cold blood just for holding hands while walking down el barrio.

  74. The constant physical sexual harassment by straight men and women. Straight men feel like they can touch you because “you’d like it”, and straight women feel like they can touch you because, “you’re safe”. It constantly feels like consent doesn’t matter.

  75. Having people reject you for who you are and something you can’t change. My dad told me that it was his worst nightmare that I was gay (even though I almost killed myself 7 years ago, which he knows about) and has not tried to accept it over the 2 years I’ve been out to him.

  76. The expectations to conform to the larger gay community, even if it doesn't match your morals or beliefs at all. (Hookup culture is a son of a bitch...)

  77. My gay friend has this problem. He’s been part of the hookup community for years and now he’s looking to settle but everyone still just wants to hook up. He’s never had a boyfriend and he’s almost 30.

  78. This. As a bi guy from what I've seen straight romance isn't always healthy, but the gay hookup culture is just a trauma generator for teenage guys.

  79. Bullshit, I’m out of shape with a not so visually appealing face and I’m meeting people that think I have a nice ass and fun personality. If you need out of your rut I’ll take a chunk out of that ass. Edit: This was the post that got me silver…. Neat.

  80. Gay guys have their own beauty standards that are, honestly, stressful and difficult to maintain. "Straight skinny" is "gay fat." Minor physical imperfections can disqualify you completely from being considered attractive. Plus, if you can't manage to fit into one of the niche community groups (twink, bear, etc.) then you are somewhat culturally homeless. My straight male friends can operate on the minimum level of hygiene and upkeep, whereas me and the other gay people I know are always compulsively preoccupied with how we can look better: hair, skin, body, mannerisms, it all matters a lot to us. This has the effect of everyone believing that gay people are vain and superficial, which is sometimes true, but it's really about avoiding a double rejection: many of us have already been rejected by our family/community, so we need to try as hard as possible to remain in "good favor" with our new community. Because after a second rejection, all that's left is social ostracism and loneliness.

  81. Damn you are so right. I have unconsciously been dealing with this for a few years now. I have always struggled with my weight and acne growing up. Now that I am out and make my own money I have been obsessed with working out, clearing up my skin and just aesthetics in general. I find it really exhausting but I still can’t help but obsessively trying to improve these things. Thank you for this perspective.

  82. The disinterest in queer real life problems and this sentence: “oh it doesn’t bother me if someone’s gay, we’re all equal anyways.” And then they proceed to say the most uneducated and phobic shit ever.

  83. Heteronormativity - like when you’re talking to new people and the straight women think you’re interested in them, then get offended if you don’t follow through according to their expectations.

  84. Constantly planning exit routes and having to fully assess a room for danger in case someone has a problem with you being with your partner. Not being able to hold hands or do cute couple things in public. Having to be careful in conversation you don't reveal the gender of your partner unless it's safe. People thinking I give the remotest decimal of a shit weather I care what they think about homosexuality being bad and trying to tell me my partner is bad for me.

  85. Covert homophobia. Example: got a gash in my hand at work. Told urgent care my WIFE is coming, and would love for her to be there with me.

  86. Telling people, especially my family, because i am unable to say emotional things, even if i'm pretty sure they would be ok with it The only one i came out to in my family is one of my sisters and i did it sending her a meme so i didn't do any of the actual telling

  87. I've been with my husband for 17 years. We introduce ourselves as such and some of the reactions we get are so ridiculously vapid that it's hard not to laugh at them.

  88. I may get some flack for this, but im so bored of the hookup culture. Like, can we get to know each other before we start cranking each others hogs?

  89. My buddy Casey came out to his dad and was removed from the family home and put into their poorly-insulated garage where he could "be gay". He needed to phone his father from a second land-line that was installed into the garage for permission to enter the house to use the washroom. He was removed from the garage and kicked out of the family at 12:01am the day he turned 18.

  90. My SO and I get uncomfortable being affectionate in public and even at family gatherings - even so much as holding hands - because we're both very mild and non-confrontational, and know there are people who would be weirded out by us, or worse. It sucks. Hearing about hate crimes is scary, reading all the youtube comments praising the shooter, thinking that there might be someone in my apartment complex who'd like to see me dead. Not being able to talk to most of my relatives about most of my life. It's hard to pick what's the hardest.

  91. Knowing that, just by existing, there is a not insignificant portion of the world's population who, given an opportunity and an alibi, would murder me without a second thought.

  92.’s decorating my apartment. I do NOT have the “queer eye” so to speak. When I have people over they are completely underwhelmed by my lack of Feng Shui.

  93. Just a few weeks ago I had an argument with someone who claimed that if homosexual people want acceptance, we should also accept homophobia and that claiming otherwise is hypocritical.

  94. I’m not gay, but if I may offer an observation that really bothers me as a “straight” (really bicurious) guy….

  95. That’s a good one. My house is next to the neighborhood greenbelt and park, and I’m very nervous about what the rest of the cul-de-sac and the rest of the neighborhood will think when they realize I’m gay. I don’t want to be accused of some heinous crime against someone’s child, just because I’m a single gay man minding his business.

  96. One of my mums friends was an older gay man and he asked one of their other friends if he could give her sons a hug as the kids had asked and he said "I promise I'm not a pedophile, I have a boyfriend. They're just sweet kids and asked for a hug and I wanted to ask you first so you didn't think I was a bad person".

  97. I feel very uncomfortable around children alone for this exact reason. I just don't want to ever be caught in that situation or accusation, so I just loudly and vehemently hate children as a reflex.

  98. Those days you wish you weren’t. The itching thoughts of “walk straighter” or “talk straighter. Not straight enough? Then don’t talk”.

  99. Growing up was difficult, and I’m in a generally accepting area. It’s just tough realizing, as time goes on, that life will be way different than everyone expects of you. Then it’s scary telling people, because you don’t want anything to change but it always does in some way.

  100. Having to think/worry about shit straight folks take for granted. If my partner and I are out in public, we gotta look around and check if it’s safe for us to hold hands. There are some vacations we won’t be able to go on without portraying ourselves as friends or sisters because of anti-gay attitudes in parts of the world. When we talk about family planning, it’s a given that we’re going to have to put down thousands of dollars to have kids when our friends can just have sex and accidentally make a baby. There’s so much more and it sucks knowing that no matter how much things progress it’s never really going to be equal

  101. I am not but my aunt is and that side of the family is highly religious (Christian) and some others were quite vocal about their hate of the LGBT+. It sucks because they couldn't come out in the family so they had a secret marriage about 9 years ago. My aunt and her "roommate" come to all the holiday parties but they can't say they are a couple. I try to show support by labeling their gifts and calling them both "aunt" but I feel like we really missed out that we couldn't go to their wedding or support them. Instead there is a weird play going on that we are acting in and they have been together a long time (like 15ish years) and have a teenage daughter (new aunt's previous marriage) that calls them both mom but they are "roommates splitting rent".

  102. Probs the constant paranoia. I’m grateful enough to live in a place where it’s legal and for the most part pretty acceptable, but it’s hard trying to figure out if that stranger who smiled at you on the street would also spit on you or not if they knew.

  103. if some of them like my aunt say wacky things about fortune cookies being the devils gateway into your soul you can imagine how vehemently evil they think about gay people.

  104. I overheard a conversation a little bit ago about gay representation or something. My teacher and a student were talking, student says something along the lines of, “my five year old sister shouldn’t be seeing this and that” Teacher goes “yeah, I feel like there can be a gay character just not in your face” I don’t understand why people want to shelter kids from LGBTQ+ stuff so much. Like you said, gay people exist. Get over it.

  105. As a gay dad, the hardest part for me at this point in life is feeling lonely. I spent the first half of my life pretending I was straight with no gay friends. Then I spent the 2nd half of my life fully involved in the gay community - gay bars, gay sports leagues, mostly all gay friends. Now, I’m married with a baby and it feels like I don’t belong in the gay world nor in the parenting world, considering how hetero-dominant it is.

  106. Outside of my other problems, the main one I am currently facing is the fear. The climate around LGBTQ is rough right now. In January, into the response to transphobia I wrote something along the lines of "10 years ago y'all would be saying gay people are corrupting children." Then I come back and read that comment in April realizing that its backslid so much. There are friends that if I just met them today, I would choose not to come out to them out of safety concerns and it being risky, when pre-pandemic I felt perfectly comfortable to do so.

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