This read like a break up text lol. I think we should spend some time apart and really figure out what we both want. It would benefit our personalities as I don’t think we are a good fit right now.
I say we just hold a Powerball once every 4 years. Everyone's name is in the pot once. We draw one name and that guy or gal is the next president of the USA. Perfectly random of course.
I don’t have a great answer here but I once saw somebody ask Condi Rice if she would ever run for President and she said (paraphrased), “People are used to seeing me in a political role but not saying too many political things so they always project what they want me to think onto me. They see me hand flowers to a diplomat & as long as I don’t mess that up, they assume I’m exactly what they hope I am. If they’re a conservative they presume I’d be pretty reliably conservative. If they’re moderate, they presume I’d be very moderate. But the moment I declared for President, they’d start asking me things like what I think about abortion, and immediately a lot of the people who thought I should run would quickly find reasons to hate me they didn’t know they had”
Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me I'm hot. What? Taxes they'll be lower son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do.
To be honest, I think this would work. The conservative maga types believe that the show represents the best of them in all their a****** glory. And liberal folks see it as a satire of working class morons.
"This old Shitfisher took his bagpipes down to the river and he played his pipes in hopes that the shitfish would rise up out of the water. But not one shitfish rose, Julian. So he took a shitnet and threw it in the river and, lo, soon he drew it forth filled with shitfish. Then he took his bagpipes and then he played them again and all the shitfish jumped up in the shitnet. "Oh, you dance now when I play, said the Shitfisher.' And then the little old shitfish spoke up in the end and he said, when your in a man's power, you must do as he bids you. Shitnets, Julian, and Shitpower."
I think Cthulhu would probably refuse to release his tax returns and call everything a witch hunt when he's disqualified for not being born a US citizen.
this should be a Black Mirror. scientists create an AI version of some great historical leader, and then it actually starts making valid points and gains popularity, wins an election, then brings on some kind of dystopia. kind of like a sequel to the Waldo Moment.
Somewhere out there in the world, is the smartest, most rational, unbiased, critical thinking, sane person on earth and his or her name will never come up on here because nobody knows who he or she is because they’re not a celebrity. If your out there and reading this you would have my vote.
Nobody. No matter who you pick, 50% of the country is going to hate them on partisan principle alone. Could be the Christian embodiment of God themselves, and people would find a way to justify vitriol toward them.
Like most of the answers, her appeal for a lot of the country is in being staunchly a-political. Soon as she has to make a firm stance on something like abortion or affordable healthcare, she has as much of the country set against her as Joe Biden, and I say that as someone with a lot of Tennessee family that adores her
Given the state of US politics at the moment, and my resultant view of the general population, a critically diseased badger with 75% of its brain removed.
I'm British and I introduced my 9yo to Weird Al a few days back. The Ebay song has been on repeat ever since. He's also a fan of The Complicated Song, because at 9, toilet humour is life.
I doubt a Jewish carpenter with a history of social justice campaigning and a platform of peace and prosperity could get through the Democratic primary. The raccoon probably couldn't beat Trump without biting a few Mexicans, either.
Whomever’s keeping Arizona green tea at 99¢ despite inflation around the world
$1.50 Costco hotdog guy for veep.
Don Vultaggio 2024!
Well Arizona green tea sure as hell ain't 99 cents around the world :D
I really think we should be single for a few years.
We should be in therapy.
It's not you, it's me. (It's so you.)
This read like a break up text lol. I think we should spend some time apart and really figure out what we both want. It would benefit our personalities as I don’t think we are a good fit right now.
I say we just hold a Powerball once every 4 years. Everyone's name is in the pot once. We draw one name and that guy or gal is the next president of the USA. Perfectly random of course.
Except these days it would be more like a scene from hunger games. No one wants their name pulled.
I don’t have a great answer here but I once saw somebody ask Condi Rice if she would ever run for President and she said (paraphrased), “People are used to seeing me in a political role but not saying too many political things so they always project what they want me to think onto me. They see me hand flowers to a diplomat & as long as I don’t mess that up, they assume I’m exactly what they hope I am. If they’re a conservative they presume I’d be pretty reliably conservative. If they’re moderate, they presume I’d be very moderate. But the moment I declared for President, they’d start asking me things like what I think about abortion, and immediately a lot of the people who thought I should run would quickly find reasons to hate me they didn’t know they had”
The sad irony of leadership is that those most suited to holding it, the humble, considerate and introspective, are excluded by those very virtues.
Why not Zoidberg?
WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP
I for one welcome our new crustacean overlord.
He smells like he eats garbage and does.
Pedro
He offers you his protection, after all.
Vote for Pedro
all your wildest dreams will come true
He'll build a cake for you
He’s gonna take America off some sweet jumps ‘n’ stuff
My head is hot
But I want glitter Bonne Belle dispensers in all the girls’ bathrooms so Summer Wheatley it is.
Another president with a bad wig?
He will make your wildest dreams come true
Mr. Rogers, if he was still alive and younger.
Alive is critical sure, but younger? Doesn't need to be younger.
Sadly, there are still people who hate him
"The Gang Runs For President"
What’s the White House’s spaghetti policy?
The fundraising texts: “Money me. Money now. Me a money needing a lot now.”
Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me I'm hot. What? Taxes they'll be lower son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do.
The DENNIS platform
"If you vote for me, I'll make sure toe-knives are accessible to all people"
Comments you can hear.
Frank: President
I mean you have to be a real low life piece of shit to get into politics
Instead of “I voted” stickers, you get kitten mittens.
I’m a five star president
To be honest, I think this would work. The conservative maga types believe that the show represents the best of them in all their a****** glory. And liberal folks see it as a satire of working class morons.
I can just hear the theme music.
"Of course they'll vote for me? They have to.... Because of the implication..."
Jim Lahey
“I’m sober enough to know what i’m doing and drunk enough to really enjoy it” would be a great campaign slogan
It’s already started my dear good friend.
"This old Shitfisher took his bagpipes down to the river and he played his pipes in hopes that the shitfish would rise up out of the water. But not one shitfish rose, Julian. So he took a shitnet and threw it in the river and, lo, soon he drew it forth filled with shitfish. Then he took his bagpipes and then he played them again and all the shitfish jumped up in the shitnet. "Oh, you dance now when I play, said the Shitfisher.' And then the little old shitfish spoke up in the end and he said, when your in a man's power, you must do as he bids you. Shitnets, Julian, and Shitpower."
RIP A LEGEND
Shit winds are blowin
VP Randy
RIP John Dunsworth you Nova Scotia legend you.
He’d let the liquor do the thinking, and I’m quite frankly okay with that.
Now I'm sad. RIP John Dunsworth.
Lim Jahey, pleased to meet ya bud.
Judging from recent history. Three rats in a trench coat would claim victory.
Provided they're at least 85 years old
There is no such thing as man sized rats. The vermentide is just a myth.
Reminds me of Vincent Adultman
Reminds me of Sammy the Dead Rat wearing several raincoats from the Wayside School books
This is depressing as fuck guys.
I’m still with the top vote. Diseased Badger 2024! 🦡
I was expecting Jon Stewart to be the top answer
Lmao as if life in America hasn’t been depressing as fuck since 9/11
Me. But i choose not to do it.
Original Pineapple 2024 lets fucking go baby
Reminds me of that Jerry Seinfeld episode "I choose not to run"
"I Dunna Wan It"
The founder of Costco who threatened to kill an executive for proposing to raise the price of a hot dog.
When asked by a reporter what it will mean if the price goes up, he responded “That I’m dead.”
Based on this we need to have the Arizona Tea person on the same ballot.
Didn't he also proudly announce that he believes in paying a livable wage? Because if so he has my vote hands down.
I'm wearing head to toe Costco clothes right now including underwear. I trust Kirkland with my life. I would totally vote for Costco dude.
I would vote so hard for this guy.
Same man who capped his salary at 500k
I would definitely vote for him. Threatening to murder someone over a hotdog price is hilarious. 😂😂
A labrador
Mr Peanutbutter?
The Goodest President
(Befuddled referee comes running out on the field frantically flipping through a comically large binder)
Cthulhu.
His ‘No lives matter’ campaign slogan both appeals to, and terrifies, me. Fhtagn!
MAKE EVIL GREAT AGAIN
C'mon, man. Just because we can't possibly understand its motives doesn't necessarily make it evil.
Cthulhu/Dagon ‘24!
MAKE EVIL GREATER AGAIN
I think Cthulhu would probably refuse to release his tax returns and call everything a witch hunt when he's disqualified for not being born a US citizen.
The reanimated corpse of Theodore Roosevelt
It takes more than being dead for 100 years to kill a bull moose.
this should be a Black Mirror. scientists create an AI version of some great historical leader, and then it actually starts making valid points and gains popularity, wins an election, then brings on some kind of dystopia. kind of like a sequel to the Waldo Moment.
The head of Theodore Roosevelt
I would vote for Dead-dy Roosevelt
Bully for him!
Leeroy Jenkins
We know he would lead from the front.
I accept
I believe you mean:
Slogans
Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings.
Well, at least he listened to the smart guy
I mean, dude was a good President.
Can confirm
He's got what plants crave
TBH, I think Terry Crews would legitimately fair pretty well.
Saul Goodman.
Hi I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know you have rights? The constitution says you do, and so do I."
He'd find a legal loophole that makes him president
"You don't need a criminal President, you need a CRIMINAL President"
I’ll vote for saul. He’s for the people!
Kim Wexler as AG, too.
I can imagine the slander commercials against his campaign. "HE DEFECATED THROUGH A SUNROOF"
He was a damn good lawyer and he would pull Cons on other countries I can see no better candidate
And he gets to be elected? What a sick joke!
The greatest legal mind I ever knew
Somewhere out there in the world, is the smartest, most rational, unbiased, critical thinking, sane person on earth and his or her name will never come up on here because nobody knows who he or she is because they’re not a celebrity. If your out there and reading this you would have my vote.
The thing is, the most rational, unbiased, intelligent person would never want the turmoil (or the clout) of being president.
Unfortunately, the people who deserve power the most are the ones who least want it.
its me
Nobody. No matter who you pick, 50% of the country is going to hate them on partisan principle alone. Could be the Christian embodiment of God themselves, and people would find a way to justify vitriol toward them.
Closer to 25%.
Can anyone point me to an answer with somebody competent and qualified to run even a small country?
Woah woah woah, 'qualified', 'competent'?
That’s not the question tho
That one guy’s dead wife.
I often wonder what she would have thought about becoming famous for wanting to be fucked by thousands of strangers....but only after she was dead.
I also choose that guys wife
I see this all the time but have no idea what it refers to.
NIXON ALWAYS WINS!!!! AROOOOOOOOOOO!
Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973...but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever!
“Our planet has been through a lot this year, but we have not forgotten what is truly important... the great taste of Charleston Chew!”
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Came here to say Bender
Are you voting for Jack Johnson or John Jackson?
The canadates are: Puny human number one, … puny human number two, … and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
Dolly Parton
She could establish a new legal code to cut through all the bureaucratic red tape. It would be a code of many cutters.
Problem is she‘d only work from 9-5
She also leaves the weirdest voicemails for Jolene
Isn't she too young?
To me, she’s the closest thing to a living saint that we have, in the US. Seriously.
No she is to morally sound no one would trust her in such a corrupt position
a good part of her universal appeal is her aversion to tipping her hand on her political leanings.
Like most of the answers, her appeal for a lot of the country is in being staunchly a-political. Soon as she has to make a firm stance on something like abortion or affordable healthcare, she has as much of the country set against her as Joe Biden, and I say that as someone with a lot of Tennessee family that adores her
Given the state of US politics at the moment, and my resultant view of the general population, a critically diseased badger with 75% of its brain removed.
Joke's on you, they removed the bad bits. The badger governed with honor, integrity, and, yes, a semblance of intelligence.
Sorry, people from Minnesota will never vote for a Badger.
The subject of the song 'Short Skirt/Long Jacket' by Cake.
ITT: Celebrities Reddit likes who would never win an election.
The next comment down is literally Keanu Reeves lmao
ITT: Fictional Characters, nonsense answers, the founder of Costco, and Dolly Parton.
Giant meteor will win. Giant meteor always wins.
Hell, most of the people in this list wouldn't even win the party nomination, let alone the presidency.
My mate Trevor, everyone loves Trevor
President Trevor and Vice President Cory 2024
The tricks that he does are ever so clever.
Magical Trevor?
The "Dad, how do I?" guy
Dad how do I fix democracy by Wednesday?
My neighbor's dog.
Steve from Blue's Clues
It’s mail time, America
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!
O_O
This thread is unexpectedly depressing.
You expected a thread about American politics not to be depressing?
Unless the electoral system changes (which it won’t), no one will easily win a US Presidential election for decades to come.
Really shit that both parties could put up a dead badger on a stick for candidate and it would still be a tossup.
Danny Devito
So anyway I started commanding
Gotta pay the troll toll
You gotta be a real low life piece of shit to get involved in politics.
Bullshit, bullshit, derivative, now this I like.
“Weird” Al Yankovic. That man is a national treasure and id vote for him anyday
Weird Al has been dead since he was assassinated in 1985.
Dolly as his VP. I'd vote for that ticket!
crazy how Michael Jackson parodied eat it and stole al yankovic thunder.
I'm British and I introduced my 9yo to Weird Al a few days back. The Ebay song has been on repeat ever since. He's also a fan of The Complicated Song, because at 9, toilet humour is life.
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I doubt a Jewish carpenter with a history of social justice campaigning and a platform of peace and prosperity could get through the Democratic primary. The raccoon probably couldn't beat Trump without biting a few Mexicans, either.
This so beautifully sums up the state of American politics that I'm actually crying a little bit thinking about it.
Dolly Parton.
The only real answer in this thread.
A squid with half its brain eaten.
Gary Sinese brings people together
Lt Dan!
Nah he's the guy that puts people together, basically wounded warrior lol
Leslie Knope
She has a binder for this specific situation!
GET ON YOUR FEET!
Didn’t she marry that ice town clown?
Who will be quickly impeached (recalled) for making our lives better!
That's a Knope for me.
In the noughties Martin Sheen would have walked it
If only there was a Jed Bartlett to be had (along with the rest of the West Wing gang!)
Charlie's laptop could be an obstacle
Dwayne Johnson. I legit think he could win. He would obviously be a terrible choice, but we're Americans, voting in the wrong people is what we do.
But we use PAPER ballots, so he'd immediately lose!
I'm disappointed that this was the 28th comment down.
He’s got drive, he’s got power, he stays hungry, he devours.. AND he’s got my vote 🇺🇸