The only way you could be less useful is if you were actually the wall you’re leaning against, of course then, you’d be providing a wall for some jackass to lean against while he thinks about how much of a jackass he is
"Holy smokes batman! How low is my self esteem that ive become the sidekick in my own fantasy!" "It could be worse robin. You could be Alfred the Butler" "Damn you.....sir"
I took an allergy pill and I threw that up so then I took another one and I threw that one up too. then I took a third and.. that one stayed down, so I'm getting better.
“Bobby, I didn’t think I’d ever need to tell you this but I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep themselves busy while their husbands did the cooking”
My favorite line for parenting courtesy of Homer J. (Jay) Simpson - “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” I know it’s dismissive and poor parenting, but it runs through my head and makes me chuckle
One I watched recently, “Bobby I didn’t want too have to tell you this, but I’d be a bad father if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to have something to do while their husbands stayed home and did the cooking.”
Imagine the saddest possible voice a father could have. “Peggy the boy had SOOT under his fingernails. That’s something you just don’t get a with a clean burning fuel.”
I’m saying that adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child is everything that I need, but if that's really not enough for you, tell me now.
Psych
You heard about Pluto? That's messed up right?
You know that’s right
Scrubs. Especially Dr Cox.
The only way you could be less useful is if you were actually the wall you’re leaning against, of course then, you’d be providing a wall for some jackass to lean against while he thinks about how much of a jackass he is
I wish I could whistle through my teeth like Dr. Cox.
"Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."
Man, Hooch is crazy!
I hate cox, but that chat room was just me, some interns, and a bunch of lesbians.
I’m pretty sure if you got rid of all the porn on the internet there would be one website and it would be called “bring back the porn”
"Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! Everybody run!"
Dr. Cox : You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
"Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him."
Bastard coated bastard with bastard filling!
Carla - What if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?
Ooh your face is red like a strawbrerry
The quote that everyone who's watched Scrubs knows but no one is happy about "Where do you think we are?"
"Guess who has two thumbs, a funny voice and still doesn't give a crap. Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep things fresh."
You’re not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee
"Holy smokes batman! How low is my self esteem that ive become the sidekick in my own fantasy!" "It could be worse robin. You could be Alfred the Butler" "Damn you.....sir"
I don't dislike you, I nothing you.
"Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
I think you mean "Why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?" WHUHUH
[удалено]
Fork?! Me can’t eat soup!
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, Janis Joplin! My God, she was an uggo! No offense,
[удалено]
Blow it out your ass Bob.
You'd better replace the captain of your brain-ship, cuz he's drunk at the wheel!
Dr Kelso: Perry
Parks and recreation, especially Ron Swanson's quotes !
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
I made my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexuussssss!
I put your symptoms in the computer and it says "you may have network connectivity problems "
I took an allergy pill and I threw that up so then I took another one and I threw that one up too. then I took a third and.. that one stayed down, so I'm getting better.
Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” Is definitely my favourite from the series.
"Any dog smaller than 30 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless."
Old school Simpson’s or King of the Hill.
"Bobby what do you know about sex?"
"Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?"
“Bobby, I didn’t think I’d ever need to tell you this but I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep themselves busy while their husbands did the cooking”
"Are you gay?"
My favorite line for parenting courtesy of Homer J. (Jay) Simpson - “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” I know it’s dismissive and poor parenting, but it runs through my head and makes me chuckle
“Dangit Bobby, there better be a naked cheerleader under your bed”
'Peggy, I can see your what-nots'.
I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!" - Hank Hill
One I watched recently, “Bobby I didn’t want too have to tell you this, but I’d be a bad father if I didn’t. Soccer was invented by European ladies to have something to do while their husbands stayed home and did the cooking.”
"This city (Phoenix) should not exist. It is a monument to Man's arrogance".
"I have three kids and NO money. Why can't I have no kids and THREE money."
Bobby: "What if they ask for Well Done?"
Imagine the saddest possible voice a father could have. “Peggy the boy had SOOT under his fingernails. That’s something you just don’t get a with a clean burning fuel.”
“Do I look like I know what a JPEG is? I just want a picture of a got-dang hot dog!“
The NRA is an organization out of Washington DC. Are you talking me you support Washington DC, Dale?
Have not seen Peep Show yet.
Four Naan, Jeremy? Four? That’s insane.
No Turkey?!
"Red next to black, jump the fuck back. Red next to yellow, cuddly fellow"
“Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God life’s relentless.”
“Who needs romance when you’re doing it in the bum”
30 rock! Never go with a hippie to second location.
It’s after 6. What am I? A farmer?
That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
I loved Matt Damon as the pilot boyfriend.
"Choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name"
Prenatal vitamins. Yeah, I know what prenatal means. Pre: before. Natal: ruined.
Here comes the Funcooker!
We might not be the best people, but we’re not the worst. Grad students are the worst.
I’m reading a book about dating over 35, it’s called Hiding Your Anger Hiding your Arms
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
Blerg!
Lemon, I know you're in there, I can hear you singing night cheese.
My favorite is when Jack says, "Don't worry about getting to the point, Lemon, I'm going to live forever."
Tracy Jordan to a pidgeon “quit eating French fries out of the trash, don’t you know you can fly?”
It's executive drunk, Lemon.
I’m saying that adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child is everything that I need, but if that's really not enough for you, tell me now.
Liz Lemon is the ideal pandemic mascot. “I’m saying yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!”
HAM!
[удалено]
Good God Lemon, your breath. When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?
High fiving a million angels!
Thanks Meat Cat!
My favorite is Jack meeting Lemons much younger date.
I want to go to there.
You mind if I Google myself in your office?
[kicks in door] Happy birthday, bitches!
The machine is mankind’s madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide
We’re effectively synergizing backwards over flow.
GIMME YA FINGERNAILS!
I miscounted the men!
Listen up fives, a ten is speaking!
Your boos do not scare me! I know most of you are not ghosts!
🎶I’m a star, I’m on top,somebody bring me some haaaaaaam🎶
Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
Have you heard? My single, my single is dropping, is dropping?
The IT Crowd
But, a fire?... At a Sea Parks?
Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark.
0118999881999119725
"People, what a bunch of bastards"
🔥 “Made in Britain” ah that makes sense
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
FAAAAAATHEEEEEER
I’m disabled 🥺
“Have you turned it off and on again?”. On a loop whenever the phone rings!
I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing you know, emails, sending emails, receiving emails, deleting emails, I could go on...
God DAMN these electric sex pants
“I came here to drink milk and kick ass and I just finished my milk”
“I like your glasses” “I’m sorry, they’re not for sale”
Arrested Development
Well, that was a freebie
I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona
It's as Anne as the nose on Plain's face
It's a banana, Michael. What could it cost, 10 dollars?
Who is Hermano?
Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant, it just makes me want to set myself on fire!
I dont understand the question and I won't respond to it.
I’ve made a huge mistake
Her?
“LOOSE SEAL!”
There’s always money in the banana stand…
Illusion Michael!!!...A trick is something a whore does for Money.... Or Candy
Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Would anyone like a banger in the mouth?
Her?
BEES?!?
Daddy horny Michael
You’re gonna tell the guy, in a $3,000 suit? Common!
That’s not true! I love all my children equally!
I blue myself
Get me a vodka rocks.
Wow - I’m Mr. Manager!
I don’t know what I expected.
Well excuuuuuuuuse meeeeee...excuse me
Maeby: Where do I get one of those little necklaces with the T on it? George Michael: A cross? Maeby: Across from where?
OH MY GOD! WE'RE HAVING A FIRE! Sale!
I need a forgetmenow
Steve Holt!
I have the worst fucking attorneys.
Husband and I at least once a week:
I'm Oscar... Dot com
Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb
I don't want no part of your tight ass country club you freak bitch!
For British eyes only.
chicken dance
Always Sunny in Philadelphia
“I’M A FIVE-STAR MAN!”
YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF THE SMELL, YOU BITCH!
Oh whoops, I dropped my Monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.
I AM UNTETHERED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
“Well, first of all, through god, all things are possible, so jot that down.”
Stupid science bitches couldn't even make I more smarter!
So anyway, I started blastin
nnnnNEWWWWSFLASH, ASSHOLE!
CAROL, CARRRRROOOOL
"Whenever there's a potential riot, i'm getting blasted on grain alcohol!"
Rum ham!
It’s a baby we found in the trash!
What's your spaghetti policy here?
Can I offer you an egg in this trying time?
PEOPLE'S KNEES
“SICKNESS BE GONE!!!”
Because of the implication ☝️
Until Galileo came along and disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everyone else on earth, look like A BITCH
Let’s move past it
TOOLS! TOOLS! This is duct tape, zip ties and gloves. I have to have my TOOLS!
South Park
"Aaaaaaaaand it's gone"
I'm not your buddy, guy!
"Mom! Kitty is being a dildo"
"Hello, children."
What seems to be the officer, problem?
I’ll do what I want!
As is tradition
'What do we do now?'
People who annoy you
Wow what a great audience
Isn't this America? Oh I'm sorry I thought this was America.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was America!
"Do you know a anything about Christianity?"
“So… when a girl goes to scratch her balls… how does that work?”
That damn Loch Ness Monster wants tree-fiddy!
Do you know what I am saying?
Respect my AUTHORITIGH
Timmmmyyyyy
Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
[удалено]
You're breaking my balls.
Get me 50 cc's of ketamine, stat! And get something for the kid too
Futurama
The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention, now that… is… irony
Brannigan's love is like Brannigan's law, hard and fast.
“All I know is my gut says maybe.”
It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up!
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
She’s built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro!
You win again, gravity!
I'm shocked! Shocked! ... well, not that shocked.
"That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten... And I once ate a heaping bowl of salt!"
Good news everyone!