AITA for yelling at another parent during pickup?

  1. I’m the Title IX Coordinator for a post-secondary school, but the rule applies equally to your school. Title IX prohibits sex discrimination in any school or program that receives federal funding, and it’s highly unlikely that your school does not. ABSOLUTELY you should reference it in your email, you want everyone sitting on the edge of their seats when you walk into the room tomorrow.

  2. This right here, you come into that meeting and you talk about this whole history about this woman volunteering to be around and using that access to bully your child.

  3. Jumping on the top comment to say, as a woman whose name is also Robin, I feel like this would be the equivalent of someone insisting my name was Roberta, and I don't much like it. Robin is a stand alone name independent from Robert or Roberta, people who are so hung up on gendered names tend to irk me, Robin is unisex.

  4. This is flabbergasting. It's not a girl's name, it's HIS name. Even if you named him Jennifer Priscilla and nicknamed him Glamor Bunny, she doesn't have the authority to GIVE HIM A NEW NAME.

  5. Oh! I just typed something like this! Make sure to CC the principal if it’s coming from the teacher to have the discussion and if it’s the principal, take it over their head and CC the school board.

  6. This is the way. Start the paper trail in case you need to escalate this to the school board. After the meeting send a follow up email recapping what was discussed.

  7. Also, specifically mention Title IX. This parent, acting on behalf of the school, is blatantly refusing to call your child by his name specifically because she feels it is a girl’s name. It could be considered gender based harassment and thus a Title IX issue. Regardless of whether it results in an actual Title IX investigation (likely not), mentioning it should get the schools attention and make them take it seriously.

  8. I'd add on, "Since I've politely corrected her multiple times on my son's name, only to be told my son can't be called Robin, because it's a girl's name. I'm very interested to see the school's stance on this and how this volunteer will be handled moving forward, so that she doesn't continue to bully other children."

  9. NTA and this email is perfect. Not that you can change the past but you should have escalated to school administration after she decided your child's name is invalid. Pls update after your meeting and good luck!!! Edit after op small update: ooooo bring Charlie's mom to the meeting as well as all the other "nontraditionally" named kids' parents!!!

  10. This!! Gender bias, bullying, the volunteer is the AH, and when she ran away, she was portraying herself as the victim, which she is not. Don’t fall for it. It’s called passive aggression, which is a less obvious way to bully people. NTA!

  11. I also wouldn’t have waited until weeks later…once is a mistake…twice is incompetence…thrice is on purpose and I’ll raise hell.

  12. Seriously, what could she possibly say in her defense? "Robin is a girl's name so I refuse to call him by it", if a child was behaving that way a teacher would step in for bullying. That an adult is doing it is unforgivable.

  13. Exactly. Take the offensive and throw this back in their teeth. Make sure you cover the sexist allegations around his name and the appropriateness of it.

  14. This. Definitely also include the story of Charlie's mom too. Letting them know she's disrespectful to any child with a unisex name used for, in her eyes, the 'wrong' sex.

  15. Agreed, NTA. Also, compile a timeline of interactions to hand over to really cement the message that this has been escalating for awhile, even after confronting the issue politely multiple times.

  16. I would change bullying to discriminating against. The term bullying is so overused in complaints to schools that it becomes white noise

  17. This.^ I had a daycare teacher who kept referring to my son as Chrissy. His name is Christopher or Chris. Chris is autistic, so in hearing this, he began occasionally referring to himself as “Chrissy.” I wanted him to know his name correctly as he was having a hard time learning to speak anyway and was in intensive speech therapy. This wasn’t a gender identity. He just repeated what he heard (echolalia/autistic). Robin is a gender neutral name anyway. I might walk in there carrying an 8X10 of Robin Williams.

  18. 100%. If you go into this with your tail between your legs they’ll blame you for doing something wrong when it’s absolutely the other way ‘round.

  19. I’d send a demand letter to the school—she is not to be anywhere near my child in the future or there will be a lawsuit. List each time she bullies him, and her misogynistic explanations/behaviors towards the other child. Let a lawyer sign and send to school. I had an issue with someone at school and a demand letter is all they need.

  20. Bring up how you've been reasonable about it, but it's persisted. Also ask around the other parents and see how often she does it with the other kids.

  21. 1000% DO NOT APOLOGIZE. kids with unisex names exist ABSOLUTELY, but if you concede to her shitty behavior you are also opening up the door for trans kids to later be harassed on this same "unisex name" bullshit.

  22. And then say you will be filing a complaint with the Office of Civil Rights (OCR) which handles education discrimination. That’ll get it fix right quick.

  23. NTA. “While I wish I’d held my temper on Friday, I was at my wits end with this woman bullying my child by calling him a different name from his given one. I’ve reminded Mrs. [volunteer mom] on numerous occasions that his name is Robin, but she refuses to call him anything it Robert, which is not his name. If this were another child doing this to Robin, I’d expect the school to intervene and stop the behavior. As it was a parent, I was hoping an adult would see that calling a child a different name was mean, but the only response I got was an insistence on calling him Robert because they believed Robin a girl’s name. Honestly, I wouldn’t have expected this response from an adult. She continued to call him Robert, and I defended my child once again on Friday. At this point, if she can’t stop, I’d prefer her to be removed from the volunteers. I particularly dislike that someone who represents the school, even if it’s just in a volunteer capacity, treats children this way. Please tell me how you plan to address this and make it right.”

  24. This is great, but it needs one more line saying that the parent volunteer confirmed she was doing this on purpose because she disliked the son's given name for being "too feminine."

  25. Just to add to this, if you’re in the U.K. you can ask for details of this to be sent to the governors for review and then when OFSTED come they will ask what has been to address the concerns with a volunteer at the school. If you’re not in the U.K. you may have a similar layer that you can also ask for this information to be sent to and retained on file.

  26. This is great advise. That should be emailed ASAP. Give them a heads up because the teacher who got Robin the last time only saw one instance, not the many times you told the woman nicely your son’s name. If the administration defends the volunteer because “that is just the way she is”, I would go to the superintendent.

  27. I have no idea. I know there's a girl named Charlie in the class. I'm somewhat tempted to look up her parents on Facebook and ask. But that would be weird, so I won't.

  28. She thinks it’s feminizing a boy. That is her problem. It’s HER problem. (Im not agreeing with her. Just saying. I think that is her problem).

  29. Again, retired principal here. This is perfect! Can’t argue with facts, quotes, dates, times, etc. The mother is being sexist to a child! Your request is that the mom not interact with your child in the future. She doesn’t get to decide your kid’s name. 🤦🏼‍♀️. Or maybe just start calling her Howard. You decided that is her name, right? /s

  30. Don’t leave out the part about gender in your write up. She’s refusing to use his name because she thinks it is too feminine and made up a different more manly name.

  31. OP should make the most obvious non-apology, putting the blame here squarely back on the woman who at best is transphobic (Boy names vs girl names) such as “I’m sorry that your insistence on gender based discrimination for months caused me to become upset enough that you made me yell”

  32. OP needs to bring a list of dates this has occurred. Hopefully he kept track or can document a few of these interactions by day to show the history of trying to reason with the name changing volunteer.

  33. I never get people who insist on calling people nicknames the person didn't ask for. Even if the kids legal name was Robert but liked to be called Robin what's that to you?

  34. NTA. You tried on too many occasions to correct her. The tipping point was when she gave her opinion about not liking the name Robin and blatantly told you she'd continue to call him something else. I'd have probably called the principal after that conversation. That is the piece I'd be sure everyone present at the meeting understands. No one has the right to call a child something other than their name.

  35. No, the tipping point was when he said LOUD AND CLEAR "I am here for Robin, ROBIN" and she proceeded to call his son Robert a few seconds later. There is dense, and then there is this woman, an entirely different level. I would be pissed too, not only would I shout, I would call her names and question her IQ.

  36. This is the best approach, OP. This mom is being an entire ass about your child’s name for no reason other than her own gender hang ups.

  37. Oh yes the US absolutely does, and this is one of the rare cases where it’s applicable in 100% of the states. No depending on local law. The only exception would be if they didn’t receive any funding from the federal government.

  38. NTA. You have explained yourself perfectly politely on multiple occasions and she is now just being plain obnoxious. Can you start calling her a completely different name? I know it’s petty but I think that is the way to deal with people like this sometimes.

  39. In all fairness Robin is just the superhero identity name. None of the people who have donned the costume were ever actually named Robin, but more masculine leaning names like Jason, Dick, Tim, and Damian.

  40. If this person can't figure out the difference between "Robin" and "Robert" by now, then they are not in the position to handle any child's name.

  41. NTA. Apparently this woman has never watched Batman. Robin is completely a unisex name. I would apologize to the teacher for yelling. It wasn't her fault. I would also demand an apology from the parent. Explain that she is knowingly and deliberately harassing your son. You have asked her to stop, and she outright refused. Ask if this behavior is tolerated by teachers, principal, and school district. Make it clear that you will take this to the school board if it is not handled immediately. I'd expect an apology from her to your son and you. And something in writing from the school on how bullying is handled in the event that it continues.

  42. Or has never seen any of the million TV, movie, book, or coloring book adaptation of Robin Hood, who despite being depicted in tights, is actually a male character.

  43. More than that, Robin might be unisex now but it was originally a boy's name. It's a diminutive of Robert (which funnily enough is about the only thing this parent volunteer hasn't got completely wrong), and it only became unisex after first becoming a bird's name.

  44. No Robin's name was actually Robin though...except they did try that in whatever movie as a twist at the end but no it didn't work for that reason. That being said Robin is a lovely name for anyone. I also agree that she is just a bully at this point.

  45. Personally I would go into this meeting on the offensive. This woman has purposely misnamed your son for over a month and done so by her own admission on the basis of gender which is a protected class. I would demand for her removal of her duties, unfortunately with anything less than that you cannot guarantee that she will not cause future issues for your child.

  46. NTA. but that parent is. She does not get to disrespect you or your child by"deciding" his name is not appropriate for him. That woman is a d**k and you and your son deserve an apology.

  47. NTA, volunteer mom is being extremely rude. Calmly explain during the school meeting about her refusal to use your son's real name in spite of being told his correct name over and over for months.

  48. NTA this could be very confusing for Robin. She has no right to change his name because she doesn't like it, and by this time most people would be yelling at her.

  49. IIRC Robin was originally a nickname for Robert, but it's been a given name for centuries. That'd be like saying Jack isn't its own name.

  50. Ah, I see where the problem is. You see, you as a father, having raised your voice is automatically classified as being an inhuman monster. And as such anything you do is an insult to the Mothers. It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong, because you are now the monster.

  51. NTA and I think you should demand an apology. She constantly calls your child the wrong name which she assumes is a nickname even though it isn’t and she won’t stop until she gets firmly smacked down for it. She can’t be like “I won’t call your child their name because I don’t like it, I’ll just call them a different name,” that’s bizarre.

  52. Yes! Also tell them how long this has been going on and how many times you have politely asked them to stop harassing your kid. If the principal says it’s not a big deal tell them that you don’t like their name and will be calling them Principal Rooney from now on.

  53. NTA. I think the comments I've seen offer great advice. What is your son response to be called Robert? This especially needs to be address if it is casing the kid to feel bad or wrong about himself.

  54. I don't think he realized she was talking to him. He knows what my car looks like, so he's usually already walking towards me when she goes to get him. He knows his name isn't Robert, so he doesn't have a reason to think she's calling him.

  55. NTA - you got tired of dealing with an obstinate asshole purposefully calling your son the wrong name.

  56. NTA. Once or twice maybe even three times you can get someone's name wrong. But you've had a conversation with this woman after a couple of weeks and she still refuses to call your son by his real name because it's not a "boy's" name. I mean idk all Robins in Batman are boys (except for one) lol. People saying ESH or YTA probably wouldn't be singing the same song if OP wasn't a man (yes for this instance I went there).

  57. NTA. Thank you for standing up for your son - purposely calling someone by a wrong name is a big personal attack and you were 100% right to teach your son that he does not have to tolerate that just to be "civil" or whatever. Also, you gave the mom time to correct what seemed an honest mistake and did not yell at her the very first instance she used "Robert".

  58. NTA. Who does she think she is to decide what name/s a kid should be called. And also, why is the school allowing this sort of person to volunteer for school activities, do they not have any sort of background check or observation when she started.

  59. Relax. They just want to understand what's happening. Tell them what you wrote in this post. That you've been nice and polite for an entire month, that for an entire month you told her every day that his name is Robin, and that she actually told you Robin is a female name. I would also suggest you tell your son not to come if he is called by the name Robert. Your son's name is Robin, and he should answer ONLY to that name.

  60. NTA - go to the meeting and calmly demand them to explain why this parent is allowed to continue volunteering when she has consistently disrespected you and your son by using the wrong name on purpose. Apologize for yelling, but explain that you were exasperated because despite correcting this woman politely over and over again she insists that you don’t know your own child’s name.

  61. NTA, although the yelling is borderline you were fairly well provoked into it. Can't imagine what this woman's problem even is; Robin was a male name (and common childhood nickname for Robert) literal centuries before it became unisex.

  62. Yup 100% this. Go to the meeting. Inform the principal that this volunteer is being obstinate, and refuses to use your child's proper name. That they have been informed repeatedly that ROBIN is *NOT* a nickname but their proper name.

  63. I am literally about to give birth any day now and Robin is the top name on our list for our boy and him being called Rob or Robert is literally my only hesitation on the name. This story is my biggest fear name wise and I would have lost it on this woman. NTA and good job showing far more restraint then I ever could. I’d be rubbing his birth certificate in her face.

  64. NTA this woman is deranged and I would have thrown hads with her. Robin is a lovely name for your son. Honestly tell the administration exactly whats been happening. Even if they could look past the blantant disrespect, administratively it causes confusion and a slowing down at pick up for a child to purposely be called the wrong name

  65. NTA - this. Plus if Robin has a medical or other type of emergency and this volunteer parent is around, the school could potentially get emergency contact or medical information wrong or delayed when communicating.

  66. NTA. I think it would be a good move to apologize to the teacher for yelling, especially in front of children. That said, you should absolutely bring up the complete disrespect towards your family from this lady. Your son has a given name, it is not the name she calls him- she does not have a right to call him some other name just because she has her own opinions on his actual name. She has been continuously and unnecessarily rude, disrespectful, and uncooperative.

  67. Frankly, my apology would be “I’m sorry that I raised my voice because I thought that she wasn’t able to hear me properly. I’ve told her every day for a month that my son’s name is Robin, not Robert, and she seems to have trouble understanding and/or respecting this. If she has been able to understand me and is intentionally refusing to call my child by his proper name it’s really not OK for her to treat kids this way.”

  68. I would say something along the lines of “Although I apologize for the delivery of my message, I stand behind what I said.”

  69. NTA…. She’s intentionally misnaming your son. You should go in and lay out the facts exactly as you did here and also ask your son how it makes him feel and include that. I’m sure he dislikes being called the wrong name. Then ask that either she say the correct name or not be allowed near your son.

  70. NTA just said I apologise for yelling but I have told this mum his name is Robin for months and she has decided his real name is stupid and renamed him herself which obviously is not okay

  71. NTA - but i would apologize. Say you were frustrated because this person refuses to call your son by his name and you let your emotions get the best of you.

  72. Start calling her kid Batman, girl or boy, it's Batman. No explanation needed other than "When I see a Robin I know there's a Batman nearby." Then hope she face plants walking down the sidewalk so you can say "thud", "ouch", "bam" in a monotone voice.

  73. NTA and do not apologize. Demand an apology from that woman. You should go into that meeting with hella attitude. Do not let them make you feel you were wrong.

  74. NTA. That woman is so entitled when she is literally a stranger to you and your son. You shouldn't demanded apology though, because you HAVE TO demand an apology from her

  75. NTA. Put these assholes on blast and call every single person attending that meeting any name that is not there name. Or even better rotate the names to the left so when you address James and he speaks up you say no not you James the guy standing in the corner. They'll say I'm James that's Mike. Yeah but that's a dumb name so I'll call him james

  76. NTA - I can think of many names for this woman that you could have called her instead of her real name. But two wrongs don’t make a right and all that shit.

  77. NTA. And this reminds me of when I was in the fourth grade and we had a teaching student who was a lady in her 50s. She was with us for half the year and about 3 months in she kept calling me Susannah. My name is close to this and after correcting her for three months, I taped a giant piece of paper with my name correctly spelled on my desk since I sat in the front row, thinking she’d get the message. Instead I got sent to the principals office where my mom defended me to the death and said if this woman can’t get my name right, she probably shouldn’t be teaching. So I got moved to the back and she stopped calling on me. But it was infuriating for little me to be misnamed all the time.

  78. ARRRGH! I hate it when people are pushing boundaries and you’re polite, and you’re polite, and you’re polite, and you’re polite, and freaking NOTHING CHANGES, and finally you snap, and get blamed for being the asshole… makes me so damn mad, NTA!

  79. Explain what has happened over the time period and that you have repeatedly asked this woman to address your son correctly and she has refused. Tell them that if she continues to volunteer you expect your sons name to be used correctly. Don't apologise for anything. NTA

  80. NTA. She doesn’t get to gender your son’s name, and she is the one with a seemingly personal problem with it which is bizarre. I think they called you in because it was loud and they’re just covering bases. Just tell them the truth, and EXACTLY why she said she won’t use your son’s name.

  81. NTA and you have nothing to apologize for. This affects your child. He has the right to be called by his real name. I think you should have complained to the school as soon as you realized it was going to continue happening.

  82. In regards to the update, I'm glad the meeting went well, but the fact that this woman is still not calling your son by his name is a problem. I would email the teacher, as kindly as possible, that this volunteer is still refusing to call your child by his given name.

  83. NTA. However, yelling might not have been the best response. You could have gotten the school involved weeks ago. Of course, if she's never hear of Robin Williams, she may never listen even to the head of volunteers.

  84. NTA. I’m a mom and I probably would’ve yelled at her at that point, too. She’s being dumb as nails on purpose. You’ve calmly explained more than once what your child’s name is and even went out of the way to introduce yourself while explaining his name again. You reached a boiling point and snapped. It’s understandable. Probably scared the hell out of a few people but it’s not like you planned to go yelling in her face. More of an “Oh, hell not again!” situation. The same as yelling when you stub your toe. Involuntarily and loud.

  85. NTA - She shouldn't be volunteering near children if she refuses to use their real names. Attend the meeting - take notes - and ask them what they will be doing to stop this adult bullying your son.

  86. NTA When you go to the meeting point out that the kids who change their genders and move to a different name are respected with their new name. This really isn't different. Even if the mom thinks his name is feminine, its none of her business and beyond disrespectful that she refuses to call your son by his given name.

  87. Honestly, I think the non-dramatic update is still pretty satisfying. It sounds like she was put in her place, the unwanted behavior has ceased, and (this is petty of me, but so is weird pick-up mom) you didn’t have to apologize directly to her, ha.

  88. My name is Robyn my dads name is Robert my mom made a comment once that it’s the feminine of Robert. But his name is robin and that would piss me off. NTA. It’s a very simple fix, call him by his name, I don’t know why she won’t!

  89. NTA - you explained multiple times when your sons name is, you’ve even told her it wasn’t a nickname. At this point, for the meeting, make sure you calmly explain that you’ve told her multiple times your child’s name and that despite that you’ve told her politely multiple time she is continuously CHOOSING to disrespect your son and you by calling him by the wrong name because she has (sexistly) decided that his name shouldn’t be for boys.

  90. NTA. Given her obvious motivation, yelling is not an overreaction. It then becomes a question of how to handle this tactfully with the school.

  91. My name is Ashlyn Haley and I go by Haley. Had a teacher constantly call me Ashlyn and I never responded to it. I've hated her all my life! I hate teachers that don't listen

  92. NTA. I wanna know what happened at the meeting! This woman should not be allowed around children. She's going to give them a complex. What did the principal have to say about her bullshit?

  93. NTA. "I look forward to coming in to discuss how we can get parent volunteers to call my son ROBIN by his name instead of making up preferred names for him and bullying him by saying he had a girl's name. I don't think the parent volunteers have done permanent harm to ROBIN yet, but i know the school would not want to foster an environment in which parent volunteers bully children. Thank you so much for taking this proactive stance. ROBIN and I appreciate it. Sincerely, ROBIN's concerned parent."

  94. We pulled our son Milo from karate and put him into tumbling because the owner/instructor ONLY referred to him as Miles. No matter how many times we corrected him, to the point we honestly just felt like it was disrespectful.

  95. I read the update! Thank you for editing and adding how the meeting went!! I call that a win! She won't be calling children whatever name she chooses blatantly ignoring the parents all the time so I call it a win! (tbf I'm petty and I would have acted super friendly and greeted her by wrong completely weird names 🤣 calling her Arugula or Oregano or whatever lol)

  96. NTA but you probably should have went to administration to make a complaint rather than yell at her. I would be unhappy with her as well. She is an AH. Explain to them that she is refusing to call him by his name despite you making many polite efforts to ask her to. She is being disrespectful to your son and you by continuing this purposefully. And that you would like it remedied immediately-whether that be having someone else dismiss your son or not having her there for dismissal. Further that you do not want her near your son until she can use his actual name and apologize. Apologize for yelling but that you were extremely frustrated at her rudeness and sexist name views.

  97. I’ve spent plenty of time around a pta mom exactly like this. I’m sure she told the teacher that you yelled at her for no reason. All she did was make a small mistake pronouncing your son’s name. F her. My husband finally lost it with our pta mom when he was sick of her nonsense. No regrets.

  98. NTA "Yes I would love to have a meeting Monday about the volunteer parent bullying my child because, as she has said directly to me, she thinks Robin is a girl's name and has renamed my son Robert during her time with him."

  99. Kind person I ask for an update please be posted I am most definitely interested in the upcoming events during the meeting with the school and with entitled volunteer mom. I thank you respectfully.

  100. NTA do not say Anything about yelling at all, you bring up how rude it is to call your child by another name. That they’ve been told his name and didn’t care. Tell them that she had no right to tell you your child’s name is a girl name. There are plenty of unisex names out there but tell them they need to do something about her behavior because it was absolutely inappropriate and if they won’t do something about it you will go to the superintendent

  101. NTA. my legal name is a popular nickname for a longer name (think alex, which lots of people assume is short for alexandra), and all my life ive had people try to call me the longer version of that name because they think that’s my “actual name”. it’s so frustrating. don’t apologize for anything; you didn’t do anything wrong.

  102. NTA - at the meeting, please make it clear that this woman - as a volunteer for school therefor acting as a bit of a school sanctioned authority figure - continues to call your son by a name other than his own despite politely being corrected multiple times. Also note that her insistence that the child's name is Robert and not Robin because she thinks Robin is "a girl's name" is not only potentially harmful to son's mental wellbeing in an of itself (as she's likely expressed that belief to him) but her continuing to do so in front of others, especially if she's relayed her comments to her child/ren, is also likely to set him up for bullying from other children.

  103. This is a form of bullying for kids why is this not any different for adults.. she's bullying your child because she doesn't like the name you gave your child. She should be removed since she can't respect people.

  104. NTA. I’m a teacher. At our school, we call the students by their given names or whatever we are told is the preferred name, it’s not hard. This volunteer is being an ass for no reason than her own bias. I’m sorry for that. Go into the meeting and tell them exactly as you told us and how you tried to straighten this out beforehand. She must know an admin or is definitely w the PTA to have escalated this. Anyhow, you aren’t wrong at all. Anyone else can get your son. The level of disrespect she has demonstrated to you and your kid is beyond rude. Also, Robin IS a unisex name and has been since the ‘50s.

  105. Bring a lawyer with you and let them know you are bring legal action against the school district for failing to prevent one of their volunteers from pushing their own gender beliefs onto your child.

  106. I mean, if that parent thinks it's a girl's name, maybe you should introduce her to arguably the most famous Robin of all time: Robin Hood

  107. Why don't you and the other parents perform a little "malicious compliance." Explain to the children that their name is Robin, Charlie, etc and under no circumstances are they to reply to any name other than that. It'll drove the AH doing this crazy. Watch her go nuts for a while, them get out and yell, "Ready to go ROBIN?" At which point, he'll know it's time to go. Have the others do the same. She'll quit eventually, obey she's lost all control.

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