AITA for getting upset at my wife on Father's Day?

  1. Edit for judgement: ESH She should've made some gesture for Father's Day, you should have communicated instead of 'testing' her and blowing up. Props though for accepting that and apologising. And Happy Father's Day.

  2. Last year she let me sleep in, went to the diner for breakfast. Then we spent the whole day at my grandparents and grilled in their backyard. I don't remember all the details but I felt she was really into it since it was my first Father's Day.

  3. ESH: you’re both acting like uncommunicative idiot teenagers. Communicate! Yes, she could have asked you, and yes, you could have asked her also, at any point, for what you wanted. Be an adult. Her too.

  4. It’s nice to have a spouse who goes all out for holidays and special occasions. However, I agree, you have to communicate. It sucks to get your hopes up only to be let down, but your spouse is not a mind reader. I had this problem too but now we have clear expectations for these days. For me on Mother’s Day I expect a card from my child and flowers at the very least. If there’s something I want to do I tell my husband beforehand so we are on the same page. It’s not wrong to feel upset but it’s wrong to expect her to know what you want if you haven’t told her. Light YTA.

  5. “I want to leave for the zoo by 9am” is a really specific thing you should have communicated. Yes, it would be nice if she asked ahead of time, but she didn’t.

  6. I was upset with my husband on mother's day a few times because he wouldn't even remind the kids to say happy mother's day let alone anything else. Last straw, no "happy mother's day" or other acknowledgement from anyone, and then I had asked the week before if we could go try a certain restaurant, he agreed. At dinner time he asks what I want. Surprised, I ask if we were going to the place I requested and he seemed confused. Said but we'd need reservations, it's mother's day, no way could we just go, they won't have tables. I lost it then. I'm not his mother, but he can remind the kids and help them if needed. For Father's day, the kids help me get something for him. They pick out and I pay, but they needed my reminder that Father's day was coming. That year we got him something he'd been wanting for years but never got for himself. He was so happy! Though I sure felt like skipping it!

  7. As the oldest, I always felt it was partially my responsibility to say “happy Mother’s Day” or happy Father’s Day” or “happy birthday” when I knew my siblings would be listening so they could say it after to make it seem like they didn’t forget lol

  8. Exactly this. I make it clear what I’m expecting for holidays/birthdays/anniversaries because waiting for my husband or kids to guess just leaves me angry and them confused.

  9. Yes. And I asked her almost everyday what she wanted to do for each part of her day. I wanted to make it as easy for her as possible.

  10. ESH. She definitely should have been more thoughtful. But if you insist on testing people to “see how much effort people will reciprocate back to you” you will continually be let down. Sounds like an immature game you’re playing. She isn’t you. You both clearly need to communicate better.

  11. NTA, I don't understand why fathers should pamper their wives on mothers day, but wives get a pass if they ignore fathers day. You wouldn't be a mother or father without the other. Appreciate each other, as someone whose spouse doesn't do "holiday" it does lead to hurt feelings when one partner puts in effort and the other is meh about it.

  12. ESH. Use your big boy words next time. This entire thing could have been avoided. She sucks for putting 0 effort into the day. However, you didn't communicate. She's not a mind reader.

  13. Let her sleep in. We then had plans to go to my grandparent's for brunch. We went bowling afterward then had sushi for dinner.

  14. A months ago when women would post after Mother’s Day about their SO not doing anything, there weren’t many if any comments talking about expectations needed to be communicated. Why is it different for Father’s Day?

  15. Lol. Would have loved to see such comments on mother's day complaints. It was all filled with he should have done something without you asking. Suddenly communication is the key.

  16. The zoo thing I totally agree with. That needed to be communicated about earlier. But he has to tell her he wants her to be kind and considerate on a day that is supposed to be celebrating him? All he wanted was to sleep in and not need to worry about cooking breakfast. She didn't need to tell him to do that for mother's day. One of his replies even says she did it for him last year. Why does he need to assume she isn't going to this year and remind her to appreciate him? It kind of defeats the purpose if you need to tell someone to celebrate you.

  17. NTA. I swear on mothers day, I saw plenty of posts that women shared asking if they were the AHs for expecting their SO to show effort on their day. Most people were supportive and wrote no. It's one day dedicated to moms and they deserve a day to be spoiled. Yet this post responses shows little empathy for a father asking the same. While I agree that OP should've just told her what he needed, I don't think it was wrong of him to expect effort on his day. I guarentee if it was mothers day and he decided just to make his own breakfast or didn't ask what she wanted to do, she would also be frustrated.

  18. NTA, the fact bothering me is that i assume u did everything for her on mothers day and the weekend. She did almost nothing, the best thing that could happen if she makes up the next day or weekend.

  19. NTA what everyone is failing to realize is it’s not your job to force your wife to care about Father’s Day either she does or she doesn’t. If I was you & I had to tell her what I wanted without asking it would feel as she didn’t even care. I can imagine if you have no regard to Mother’s Day she would be equally upset.

  20. NTA imo, my husband and I really make an effort for each other on these days (kids 12/9). It's never been discussed, it just is. Get brought tea in bed, then breakfast etc. We normally see respective parents with kids. But it's a chill day.

  21. Expecting to sleep in and to not have to get the groceries to then have to make breakfast for everyone else absolutely isn't asking too much.

  22. YTA. Your friends are right, that is life for you. The bitter truth is that nobody is entitled to anything on their birthday, nor any pampering on any days that celebrate them.

  23. NTA. You may have hinted that you did something for Mothers Day? If you do put in effort, I see no reason why your wife couldn't do the same. She doesn't need to be told to do the bare minimum such as let your sleep in and make you breakfast for a day.

  24. Don’t do this. You love your wife. She loves you. Try to communicate better. Do not be petty at this point in your relationship.

  25. He asked her every day for a week what she wanted to do for Mother’s Day. She didn’t give clear concrete answers and he kept asking. Which makes me think she didn’t have a plan she wanted to follow and wanted a more chill day. I wonder if the OP is a “plan, do activities” kind of person and she’s a “roll with it, relax” type person. She may very well prefer a less planned Mother’s Day.

  26. While I also think YTA for expecting your wife to be psychic, I also invite you to think about your communication styles - yes we got that you badgered every day about what she wants to do for Mothers Day - some people actually don’t want/need that. Some people just want a chill day without the pomp and fanfare. If you need that it’s up to you to communicate (not demand).

  27. Wrong. NTA. Your post reads like you made an effort to communicate. And still they think that of you? They are wrong. Please don’t let this escalate. It’ll be hard. But try. On a day she’s in a good mood ask to talk this through properly. Start off with “I would like to talk about what happened on Father’s Day past. I don’t want to play a blame game. I just want my wife to listen to me tell her that she hurt my feelings. Can we talk for 15 mins right now?”

  28. Definitely NTA. I feel the same way & want to see my hubby make an effort to show me he cares about me & appreciates me. The only thing I would have done different is give a heads up earlier about the zoo.

  29. NTA. You did something special for her for Mother’s Day, and she should have put in the effort to do something of Father’s Day.

  30. INFO: How many things on your internal checklist would she have to do for it to be a successful Father's day? Did you communicate your expectations beforehand? You clearly had very specific expectations in your own head.

  31. Wait so you had other plans together later in the day for Father’s Day and you were upset she didn’t read your mind that you wanted to go to the zoo at 9 am? Wtf YTA

  32. You want something, you ask for it. You sound like you’re setting up your wife to fail. You know she didn’t ask you about your plans, and you know she hasn’t planned anything. Instead of opening your mouth to make things right, you doomed her to fail and made your own plans without telling her, and then getting angry with her. It’s like so deliberate, YTA.

  33. I remember mothers day posts when the women would ask if they were the AH for expecting their husbands/SOs to make an effort for that one day. Several people were supportive. I expected it to be similar for fathers day. Guess not.

  34. NTA EVERYBODY knows people expect to be pampered on their special days. And when you love someone you have no problem putting the effort to do this. Seems like she acted like it was just another day, when clearly there was some expectation based on the effort you put in on her special days. Unfortunately though some people just dont match effort.

  35. NTA, but you need to make your needs known. Good for you trying to make your wife's days special, but not everyone does that. You learned a valuable lesson to let her know what you want in the future. Be proactive and be specific. Good luck!

  36. I completely understand. My first mother's day I got a thing to put up in my son's room, nothing for me. My second and third mother's days were okay. This year my partner went to the other side of the country for his sister's birthday and had to be reminded to even call, I got no present, I had to look after both kids by myself the whole weekend. He got home from the other side of the country at 11 PM at night and I had work the next day. He gave me a party pack from the party as my "gift" and threw in a few chocolates. I was bitterly disappointed, but then I realised I hadn't properly expressed what I wanted.

  37. NTA! The same way you pamper her on Mother’s Day, should we reciprocated for Father’s Day! Ok no plans for breakfast(most restaurant get packed/long waits)no big deal! But she could of gone grocery shopping the day before to make you a big breakfast Sunday, woke up didn’t even offer you coffee that she made. You had to go to the store for groceries, and end up cooking. It’s not that she has to read your mind, it’s that it’s common curtesy!! Like common it’s Father’s Day!!

  38. NTA-Next year for Mother’s Day do the same to her and see what happens. It may be petty and childish but will most likely get the message across. I don’t know the feeling though.

  39. NTA. I probably would have been a bit annoyed/stressed if the zoo just kind of got sprung on me though. However, she literally never made any effort or ask what you wanted to do, even just if you wanted to go get breakfast.

  40. ESH. You should have communicated. You should not have assumed you could sleep in. She should have asked you what you wanted to do. She should have let you sleep in AND cooked you breakfast. And I also would not have wanted to go to the zoo last minute when we had plans at noon. But, I would have done it anyway, so at least she did that. Just think, in the grand scheme of things, is this really that bad? Try to make the best of it and move on. And next year, be upfront and don’t guess what she’s thinking/make her guess what you’re thinking. Just say what you want. Next year, say “I want to sleep in both days just like you did for Mother’s Day. And Sunday, I’d like to go to the zoo and be out of the house by 9”. Hopefully things will go smoother next year.

  41. If it was the other way around, you'd be in the dog house for a long time, be chastised by her mates, family, you would have to make it up to her ten fold.

  42. well isn't this just a stereotype role reversal for the ages lol. you're not an asshole for wanting special things for father's day, and it would have been nice if she'd made more of an effort, but you're kindof an asshole for expecting your wife to be a mind reader about it. And men always accuse us of this lol...

  43. NAH- I think this was just a case of miscommunication, no communication, and a mismatch in love language. You want her to intuit some nice things you'd like and do them, but it seems shes more than happy to accommodate your requests, so all that's missing is for you to give her a plan next time.

  44. I think this has more to do with lack of communication than anything. As you mentioned Sunday is usual her day to sleep in and since you didn’t mention anything she probably thought it was going to be the same. However she didn’t really do anything for you and I can see how that would hurt you. You weren’t necessarily asking for to much you were just asking to late. So times people need time to plan or be told to plan something in general. Since you didn’t ask she presumed that you didn’t really want anything. Next year make a plan about what you wanna do and that should help

  45. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  46. Nta it’s Father’s Day and she couldn’t be bothered. Even you going to the grocery store is kinda ridiculous and then you also cooked it 🤦‍♀️

  47. I don’t think anything mentioned was too demanding but I think the Gail was on communication, it would take minimal effort to do these things so clear it up, for Father’s Day I want XYZ and for mothers day I will do ABC that’s it

  48. NTA. But you two have to communicate better. I know it takes some of the “fun” or surprise out of it to explicitly state what you want or how you want to celebrate Father’s Day/ Mother’s Day, but it’s necessary. Some people just aren’t good with that kind of thing and no one can read minds. For what it’s worth, I have to plan and make reservations for whatever I want to do on Mother’s Day then tell my husband the plan 😂 He would do it, but he’d bet around to it too late and all my fave places would be booked up three weeks in advance (crazy, I know.) So I learned to do it myself. My husband is not a “grand gestures” type of guy. Never has been, never will be. BUT he is a wonderful “everyday” type of guy- good partner, good supporter and makes me feel loved and appreciated every day. I’m ok with the trade off.

  49. Info: What do you do for her on Mother's Day etc? How often do you expect her to spell everything out for you? How can she know what you want if you don't communicate with her? It sounds like you are whining

  50. NTA I get where you are coming from I have planned stuff for Mother's Day before and not gotten anything planned for me on Father's Day it sucks. Would just say that if she don't ask next year what you want before Father's Day just tell her the day before and let her figure it out.

  51. Info: In general, would you say that you generally have difficulties expressing what your needs and wants are? Or, do you generally assume someone should know what your expectations are?

  52. Yta. 100 percent for failure to communicate. If you wanted something specific to happen on fathers day, you need to tell her. If u want her to surprise you with activities you need to explain that this is something you want. She is not a mind reader and neither are you. I honestly think when you have a toddler this "surprise me" thing just doesn't work. Me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have two young kids. In the beginning of our marriage stuff like this was rough because the thought "well I shouldn't have to say it!" Is like every dang holiday. We now are very vocal about what we want and expect. The sleeping in thing sucks BUT a sleeping person might not register it would be the nice thing to wake up. How was she supposed to know you wanted to go to the zoo either? Have a talk with her about your expectations for holidays, birthdays etc and start a new policy with eachother. Make a plan. We do two weeks before hand is when our conversations start.

  53. NTA - you just picked specific things when what you actually wanted to say was “are you going to put in effort to celebrate me like I did to celebrate you?”

  54. YTA what is wrong with you? You are acting like a 5 year old who didn't get what they wanted for their birthday. Man up and be an actual father. You don't get the day off because its fathers day. You're not special. Again YTA

  55. I guess it's important to communicate about expectations but it does seem like some slight effort can be expected from a partner who cares.

  56. INFO: From your comments, it sounds like she handled last year’s Father’s Day well. Has there been any changes to the life/work/home dynamic this year compared to last year that might be causing her stress or burnout in a way that she wouldn’t have the same level of mental energy to organize something for this Father’s Day? However, waiting til 8:50 to say you wanted to be out of the house by 9 am is definitely an AH move, as is waiting til the morning of to say you wanted to go to the zoo. I’m leaning towards ESH.

  57. Im gonna call it NAH. You just assumed and so did she but neither of you are mind readers. Just tell her what you want.

  58. YTA-and this is why my hubby and I don’t celebrate mothers/Father’s Day. Expectations were always so high with our ex’s that those days no matter what happened it wasn’t “enough” in their eyes. You had no communication with your wife and just expected her to read your mind on what you wanted? I’m glad you came to your senses but I will warn you…every Father’s Day for now on will be a stress fest for your wife. She will relive how you made her feel for years and always feel as if you will be judging every action to make sure it’s up to your standard. Good job 👍🏽

  59. Communication is absolutely necessary… one hand, I agree, she should have asked you… other hand, no one can read your mind. Have a conversation about things to do in the future and what can be done and for gods sake keep food in your fridge for the future, you are allowed to buy food for the next few days in advance or longer if you freeze it (ie the bacon)

  60. NTA. She should have asked you! That is not unreasonable. I told my husband what my plan was and asked if it was okay or if he wanted to do something else. That is what she should have done.

  61. Hey brother, I hope you see this. Please do some reading on Covert Contracts -this post is a perfect example of a covert contract issue and it can kill a relationship.

  62. YTA for acting like a child and not communicating because you wanted her to coddle you. Use your big boy words or stop whining.

  63. ESH. She could have asked, but she is right in that if you had something in mind you should have told her and not expected her to read your mind.

  64. EHS. You’re not owed anything on Father’s Day, especially if you didn’t have any scheduled plans. I do think she should have tried to see what you wanted to do, but you could have told her as well. It also seems like you purposely didn’t tell her about wanting to go to the zoo out of spite and sprung it on her literally last minute.

  65. NTA - this happens every birthday & Mother’s Day for me. My husband literally has to be told to plan something. Overtime I’ve learned that it’s not just who he is and he shows his love in other ways and I communicate clearly what I want & expect

  66. Is this like a consistent issue with her being inconsiderate?? If not... YTA i get being bummed but one short request from you coulda saved you a Bunch of aggrivation. And like. Saying you wanna be spoiled on a day is gonna be a lot more likely to get through to someone than making them defensive. Like, youre not terrible, and ideally she would have done these things. But planning a zoo day and not telling someone till last minute bc they "didnt ask" is kinda crappy.

  67. NTA but slightly ah. You should've told her what she should've done. Do the same thing that she did on mothers day and we will see a whole bunch of different comments. Can't wait to see her hypocritical reaction.

  68. Do you know what I hate - people asking me what I want to do on Mother’s Day. Think of it yourself and plan it. Why should I have to come up with what I want to do on Mothers Day and essentially plan the day. Sounds like you were super annoying on Mothers Day. Tbh I want to hear the wife’s side of the story- this all sounds very much like details have been left out. If you wanted something specific planned - you should’ve brought it up earlier in the week.

  69. YTA because you had a mind movie and unstated expectations. You can't have a vision without communicating it.

  70. YTA honestly because you could have spoken up at any time instead of sulking around being outwardly angry toward her until you blew up. Like, did you really just watch the clock waiting for her to read your mind?

  71. YTA, because if you don't ask you won't get. Your wife is not a mind-reader. Passively waiting and getting annoyed because she didn't set something up in advance is not helpful. Use your words. Tell her a week out, "hey, I'd like to get to sleep in on Father's Day and take the kiddo to the zoo".

  72. Yta - she isn't a mind reader. You didn't communicate your wants. You wanted her to read your mind instead of having a conversation earlier in the week. You are an adult....act like it!

  73. YTA. Don't expect people to read your mind. Maybe she had a busy week and it just slipped her mind to ask you. Maybe not. But this was your day so why didn't you plan something and share those plans with your wife? Be an adult.

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