AITA for leaving the restaurant because of what my husband did?

  1. Agreed. OP, you are NTA. But the whole having the dress he chose as backup screams of him spilling the wine on purpose! This is manipulative, controlling behavior! It raises so many red flags that he looks like a carnival!

  2. RIGHT!!! This is text book abuse. Just because he isn't violent doesn't mean it isn't abuse. It is OBVIOUS he is trying to CONTROL OP at every possible opportunity. Just because he has money, just because he told you "you are in control of xyz, but not when abc happens", just because he accused YOU of being an embarrassment, none of these things by themselves would be cause for the "A" word, but all of them together are ABSOLUTELY ABUSE!!! Read this book and please, please MAKE A PLAN TO LEAVE. Abusers do not change until they are willing to change everything about how they see relationships, he thinks as the man, it is okay, and even helpful to CONTROL YOU...but that is NOT a PARTNERSHIP, it is ABUSE.

  3. Serious marinara flags NTA… he’s a control freak…. If he cared he’d buy her things to her taste and at his cost level but he doesn’t care at all… I’d love to know where his “taste” comes from, does mom, sister, ex girlfriend wear clothes like those he buys OP

  4. ALL OF THE MARINARA FLAGS RIGHT HERE 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Edited to say: NTA. I’m sorry your husband is being a mega prick. X

  5. If I was OP I would have started to have questions when we showed up to the restaurant and hubby had a whole ass garment bag with him.

  6. The “marinara flag” thing is a new running joke on this sub. It comes from a post where some guy what’s convinced that the word for the color red in Italian is “marinara”, the word for the color white is “Alfredo”…

  7. Marinara flag was from another post where a guy said the word red in Italian was marinara then got upset when he was proven wrong. Someone posted that was a huge red flag which someone else replied marinara flag.

  8. He had the whole thing planned from before they left home. He's an asshole. And a $300 dress is not super rich. He's just bourgeois and demeaning your working class roots.

  9. It makes perfect sense if he was planning to ruin her outfit at the first opportunity, because he cares more about the label on her clothes than about her.

  10. Calculated and didn't expect to be pulled on it publicly. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be a male when I see things like this. NTA

  11. This. OP, I think you should be divorcing this guy and running. With a man who is this obsessed with appearances, what do you think life will be like when you start getting older? Have interests he doesn't like? Have friends he doesn't like? You're going to be dressed up like a Barbie Doll your whole life. And when you don't meet his standard... thrown away.

  12. He first said that it was a request that I wear this kind of clothes infront of his friends and family to be able to blend in. Now he's calling it a rule which I would've never agreed on had I known that it was going to be like this.

  13. He said that these things are relatively small and there is no way they'd affect our marriage but he has proven this to be untrue.

  14. Except in this case I think it was red wine flags. Husband sounds despicable. OP is so NTA unless she stays married to this pompous a*h.

  15. This man is not a good person. Your husband is controlling and he has friends who clearly want to bang you. What does he bring to your life that is worth it? And really sit down and think to yourself "if my best friend, mother, sister, was telling me that their husband did this to them, would i tell them to deal with it or would I be helping them get away?"

  16. This is almost funny because it’s a common tactic for abusers to isolate their targets, to make it more difficult to get help and leave them. It’s possible he’s projecting - have you noticed him trying to isolate you from your friends/family?

  17. You're surrounded by men that are not trust worthy and that you should NEVER be drunk around, Why is that. And what can you do to get yourself out of this situation?

  18. Your husband is projecting. He’s probably isolating YOU. God these posts make me so sad 😔 there’s so much more out there for you, OP.

  19. Oh girl you in a whole mess. Your husband is bad, his friends are bad, I’m guessing the inlaws are bad too. You gotta cut your losses and just get out, away from ALL these assholes.

  20. That’s because these are the kinds of people that can do these kinds of things (control you, intimidate you, embarrass you, sexually harass you, maybe even rape you) and get away with it, aka Brock Turner. They have all the privileges in the world, and use this to be despicable human beings.

  21. Aw man, at first I was thinking this guy could be a lifeline out of your relationship, but nooo, I'm sorry everything about this sucks.

  22. Yeah this isn't a great place to be. I don't even think he has to drop the friend per se (in theory) but he really should be willing to talk to the friend about stopping this behaviour and setting limitations on their interactions if he refuses. That's bare minimum stuff. Like if you can't tone it down with my wife after she's brought it up then you don't get to hang out at the house anymore or anywhere my wife is likely to be with me. We hang at your house and the bar and my wife gets to block you and you just become and away friend or something.

  23. If your husband is a Narcissist, he is "giving himself away" by accusing you of various bad things (like "trying to isolate him"). Narcissists give themselves away when they accuse you of something they themselves are doing/intend on doing.

  24. Your husband's friends are a reflection of your husband. Bad people tend to attract bad people... and I think he managed to pull a fast one on you. He's starting to show his real colours.

  25. Your husband is abusive and you need to get out of there. Do you have friends/family that can help?

  26. NTA for walking out of the restaurant but why did you go home to him? Perhaps this is the time for couples counselling if you're interested in staying in the marriage. Or a divorce lawyer.

  27. You can't couples counsel the blatant misogyny outta someone. He'd probably view a professional saying "Hey, you're a controlling husband" the same way he views a random person saying "Hey, you're a controlling husband."—I know these types, they're often dismissive of professional advice, regardless of where it comes from.

  28. Please don't recommend couples counseling for situations of abuse. It doesn't work and can actually further harm the person being abused.

  29. This, and also I think the only "weird" thing as a friend (at the restaurant) of him would think, is that he/or you both brought another dress with them to a restaurant... Would be very odd NTA

  30. In terms of showing off wealth, there’s not a lot of showing off to do between a $300 dress and a $60 dress. Just saying. This is about control. NTA

  31. Yeah, 300$ is not designer or high end, it's just regular expensive. Most men would never know the difference. I wonder if it's less about the price and more about a specific style he's trying to impose on her, like trying to make her look like a preppy modest housewife or maybe like a sparkly sexy trophy wife.

  32. Also a dress you haven’t picked out yourself / aren’t confident in SHOWS and could easily look worse than the cheaper one!

  33. Right this dude ain’t that rich. If it was a 3000 dollar dress, then maybe. He very much embarrassed himself

  34. Right? When she said maxi floral dress I was confused, if its about wearing designer he can just take her to Zimmerman and get her all sorts of beautiful floral dresses but not for 300$ lol.

  35. NTA - but op I'm quite worried for you. His behavior is not ok. At all. No one gets to decide what you wear. His actions were manipulative and very concerning. Please rethink this relationship as I worry this isn't the only thing he tried to control

  36. NTA. He very much wants to control how you dress, no matter what your dislikes are. Why stay with this kind of person? What does he even bring to this relationship emotionally? He seems to just want to parade you like a trophy to others.

  37. Wow, I missed where he said he would choose how she looked when she was around him. That is a parade of red flags. It reminds me of how OJ Simpson wouldn’t allow Nicole Brown to gain more than 7lbs during her pregnancies, to the extent that he made her weight herself in front of him. Insane behavior.

  38. NTA. Girl, run. He looks like a very controlling person. If he wanted you to wear something expensive he could've at least taken you out shopping with him to get an expensive dress if he cares about appearances that much. He 100% deserves what happened to him.

  39. This can’t be real. I have an image of him dressed like a magician in my head pulling the dress out from nowhere.

  40. This seems completely made up. Are there partners that controlling? Obviously. But the whole casually hiding a garment bag? That OP didn’t seem to notice? And the spill and request to change is after dinner? After she’s already worn the not good enough dress? It seems way more like a shitty Netflix series than reality.

  41. Right?! Like was this a clown bag, and/or a very skimpy dress? I’m trying to picture this and my brain is getting a ton of error messages. 😵

  42. NTA. If he was so worried about how you dressed and wanted to treat you to “finer” branded clothing why doesn’t he take you shopping and let you at least pick something in your style? If the price tag and quality is all that mattered why not just let you pick a simple $300 dress you at least like?

  43. Get out now. The bs rule he came up with about dressing you is not normal. I'm sure he thinks he can do whatever he wants just because he has money. You're not a slave.

  44. NTA. In no way are you the ass for this. He is controlling and manipulative. Frankly I think you'd be bettee off without him because he doesn't accept and respect you for who you are, but that's not my call to make

  45. NTA this is scary behavior. I know it's a whole Reddit trope at this point to tell someone to divorce but please get away from this controlling man. You deserve better.

  46. Sounds like a terrible wattpad story. But if I've read this story I can tell you one thing op. At some point you will meet a man/women who owns a failing bakery and fall in love and be so successful while your ex losses all his fiends and money.

  47. Woooah there is a whole forest of red flags here. You are more than an accessory to him, you are absolutely NTA here but my suggestion would be to get far away from this relationship as possible.

  48. NTA. Be really careful and look at where else he is controlling you and your access to family, friends, money, decisions about where you go and what you do.

  49. Sniffs, sniffs again…smells an awful lot like marinara flags. Looks, looks again…looks an awful lot like wine flags. My take away- there’s a ton of red flags. NTA

  50. NTA. You don't set rules after the wedding. Your husband is a controlling, manipulating and superficial AH. Either he respects your choices and you as a person, or the next time you walk out of this marriage.

  51. OP I’m sorry but he married you to control you. He knew someone from his “social status” wouldn’t take his bs and thought he could control you by saying how you need to “just be grateful” because you never had things like this before. He enjoys having the upper hand. He enjoys that you are “beneath” him. Do you really want to be with someone who is embarrassed by you? You have some soul searching to do. I’ll be sending good vibes your way as you either stand up to his bs and call it what it is or talk to a divorce lawyer. Sorry OP both options are hard. NTA

  52. Good lord y’all gotta stop marrying people that are so clearly (wrongfully) embarrassed by you and that care THAT much about what you wear - sweet nice guys dont dictate what you can and can’t wear around people (asking you not to wear a bikini top to dinner doesn’t count for ex though)

  53. NTA. Why are you with someone who gives you rules and tells you what to wear? What other rules will he have for you. He sounds obnoxious and controlling. Not good at all.

  54. These kinds of people are real?? Like this isn’t from a movie ??? You’re worried about a dress? Question : How fast can you run?

  55. Why do people fall for such obvious teenage fanfic? It's the classic I'm just a poor humble girl who awh shucks doesn't want any fancy things, I like good ole simple things. And this poor humble girl somehow even though she never wears anything else besides target clothes managed to marry a man who only likes designer clothes and super luxurious things. And the rich guy tries to change the poor simple girl. Oh why can't he see past the money to love her for her rich heart!!!! Reddit is so boring lately

  56. He has a $300 dress for me! Uhhhh.... Designer jeans cost more than $300. A designer dress would be like $3,000. And if my significant other told me to wear a designer outfit that they're buying for me, i wouldn't be too dense to get the hint that I'm not dressed appropriately.

  57. NTA. This has more red flags raised than hang in front of the European parliament. Basically everything he said applies to him instead of you, and he's just shifting the blame from himself on you. And ground rules are set in the beginning, not after the wedding. And you (EDIT: typo) do not get the right to control someone after marrying them.

  58. Nta but why did you marry this fool, or agree to his rule? You now agreed to something that you did not adhere to. I mean, it is nuts you needed to from the start but what are you doing in this relationship?

  59. Today it's what to wear when with his friends or family. Tomorrow it'll be what you need to wear when running errands. Then it'll be criticizing your workout attire.

  60. I feel like a lot of these posts are just a place for people to complain about their abusive/controlling partners, while never really doing anything about it.

  61. I honestly don't believe a person would think it was Less embarrassing to pull a whole dress out of his pocket at a restaurant. I mean how did he manage to walk in with a dress in a bag?

  62. NTA - the only thing you did wrong was not accepting the $300 dress after he spilled wine on you. You could have used it to wipe yourself off and sop up some of the spilled wine before handing it back to him.

  63. I think you need to really look at your relationship. What do you like about your husband? What does he like about you? Because, to me, clothing is a big deal. You wear what you are comfortable with because it suits you, matches the occasion and because what you’re wearing makes you feel good.

  64. I see we are all pretending to believe this really happened. Okay. I can make believe, too. Honey, leave this controlling jerk of a husband.

  65. Devils advocate here! (This might get downvoted into oblivion) I totally agree NTA. You of course have the right to wear what you want and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Also the sitting on the dress thing and ruining yours was absolutely not right at all! That all being said, I come from a relatively well off family, I might be able to offer some perspective on what your husband might be thinking. Elitism is classless and tacky but a lot of people who maybe don’t come from a lot also don’t understand the culture shock of being among these types of people. I went through it with my husband (who came from nothing and was raised by a very hardworking single mom who had to save to buy him 20$ drumsticks every month) when I heard that it blew my mind. 20$ to me was something akin to extra change for some people. So perhaps he doesn’t understand how you could be proud of a 60$ dress because that would be something that I would perceive as being a dress I wore in a situation where I didn’t care if it got trashed or not. Not to mention, most wealthy people can spot the difference between a department store dress and a designer. Perhaps your husband didn’t want you to feel out of place or embarrassed 🤷‍♀️?? That’s how I felt when I first started bringing my husband around. His JCPenny suit jacket was something he was proud of because he saved the 100$ to buy it himself for college. The difference is I would NEVER make him feel ashamed about it. After the first event, however, he did admit that he felt out of place so I took him shopping and encouraged him to PICK OUT what HE LIKED. Maybe there’s a compromise to be made there? I don’t know your marriage or your husband but people jumping to conclusions saying he’s abusive is a little extreme. My family doesn’t subscribe to that elitist bullshit but maybe his family does? Maybe in a way he’s trying to protect you? Going about it in the wrong way but maybe a conversation is needed here and a COMPROMISE!! Anyway, a lot of people don’t understand that there is a different culture among the classes and I thought I might point that out. Again, what your husband did was NOT Right but we don’t know what was going through his mind. Also, a 300$ dress is still pretty mid-tier designer like MK or or Ralph Lauren, maybe he thought he was comprising there? Idk. It’s still pretty weird that he would want you to partake in elitism and still buy you a relatively cheap dress. There’s a lot of questions here that maybe you could find the answers if you want.

  66. Marinara flags everywhere. But seriously, this man is controlling and abusive. It’s not long before what he’s doing now to turn into hitting you. Men like this only get worse. Believe me, I was married to one for 7 years. At the end of our marriage he tried to kill me. My second husband whom I was friends with at the time, saved my life. You should be running away from this man.

  67. Sadly you will be in a controlled relationship with your SO for eternity. Some privileged folks are narcissistic and feel entitled, thus the burden of support is on you. NTA

  68. NTA, wow though. He’s 100% embarrassed of you. The issues with control go way above and beyond with him. He doesn’t seem to care about you, just about how you make him look. Yikes.

  69. So, he gave you a rule you have to follow AFTER you got married? And you agreed and do this? NTA, but stop being a doormat.

  70. Honey, there are very few times I would ever write this because I think it’s trite and basically unhelpful. Run.

  71. NTA but bigger problem than one dress. He doesn’t think you’re good enough for him and you never will meet his expectations.

  72. NTA, except for marrying the control-freak. Call a divorce lawyer, before the physical abuse starts, obviously the emotional abuse is already happening.

  73. NTA. If this is real, you need a divorce yesterday. Getting some "Sleeping With The Enemy" vibes here. You need to run.

  74. NTA Also… as someone who has experienced this… this is how it starts. Small requests for you to acquiesce to his demands . I know because I lived this. It starts so small and seems so reasonable and then it grows. And because you have already said yes to the smaller things it is easier for them to convince you the new things isn’t really a big deal. Sadly this is typical narcissistic behavior. It is all about them. You are the “accessory” and of course your behavior and looks reflect on him. From an outside perspective it is easy to see how ridiculous things are but when you commit to love and marriage it is such a different thing. Taking that dress to the dinner, purposely spilling wine, beyond ridiculous behavior. Scary even. I hope that I am wrong, but if I am not, find a good therapist!

  75. NTA, but why are you with someone who makes rules for you. That's not the language of an equal partner. That is the language of someone who wants to control and dominate. It is the language of abuse.

  76. NTA but Girlfriend get OUT. Right now it’s your clothes but soon it’ll be what you can eat, when you can see your family and friends, and what you can do with your body. This is not a good person to be around.

  77. NTA, but OP, just so you know, the right way to handle this is to drop this man immediately. He doesn’t respect you as a person and has no issue plotting (because let’s be honest, that’s what happened here) manipulative ways of getting you to do exactly what he wants. Throw the whole man away.

  78. Yeah this isn’t normal :c, and I know it’s hard to see the warnings when it’s someone you love so I hope that this video can help to kind of explain some things for you and help you understand it better. Please, just be safe going forwards incase his efforts and methods of controlling you escalate to be more aggressive. My parents had a divorce after being married for almost 20 years. all seemed to be going smoothly without hard feelings then something ticked off my dad and it was like a switch when he let that facade drop. Had police called a few times and a no contact order between them after some serious aggression. You don’t always know what they’re capable of doing in the right circumstances.. just make sure your safe, however you choose to go forward about this.

  79. Definitely NTA OP but I would get real malicious compliance about it as long as he's paying for you to look this way. I'd still wear styles that I love but go to high end designers for the clothes. Floral maxi dress? Gautier has a beautiful 2003 dress that's selling used for $5800. A $300 dress is mall stuff, start "upgrading" your closet to high end fashion houses. He asked for it. And if the marriage ends, you have a resellable wardrobe

  80. ESH in my opinion. He made a deal with you that you knew about. You wear whatever you want on your own time, with his parents you dress fancy. He bought you the dress, how hard would it have been to put it on for one night? As for him ruining your dress, that’s a dick move I would have left too. You both need to talk and apologize.

  81. Nta, but I don’t know why you’re surprised. You married him. You heard his “rules” & expectations and agreed to them. Why all of a sudden does this bother you enough to walk away?

  82. Abusive and manipulative husband with some likely backstabbing friends too. What a healthy environment! Seriously though, get out of there as soon as you can.

  83. Nta But you are with someone who gave you rules (and who isn't Christian Grey!) He is trying to manipulate you Op. If you don't leave it will turn into abuse and you be to down to fight it then.

  84. NTA - Your husband needs to realize that his friends and family don’t care what you wear. He needs to figure out why what his wife is wearing is more important to him than how his wife is feeling. If he can’t get over his need to impress other people while making you feel less than worthy, you need to exit the relationship, it will only get worse and he will get more controlling.

  85. Wow- so many marinara flags, where do I begin? Have you ever done any reading about traits of an abusive partner? Because your husband ticks many boxes. Get out and whatever you do, do not reproduce with this person because he will be a controlling asshole of a father.

  86. NTA, he doesn't see uou as an equal but as an object. Do you want to spend your life beeing a doll from some rich child that thinks his loney make s him the most important person in the world ? Becaus that what it looks like

  87. NTA what he did is way more embarrassing. He’s also not that rich because a 60 dollar dress and 300 dollar is still “poor” when you are rich.

  88. NTA...I like how he said that you should stop being so easily offended yet he was offended by his wife's dress?

  89. NTA. You didn’t obey “the rules” that he established AFTER you got married?! Sorry, but those rules should have been mentioned prior to you being trapped in this controlling, suffocating marriage! I suggest that if you want to continue your marriage to this AH you avoid ALL contact which would require you to dress according to his standards. No more gatherings with his friends and/or family because those gatherings will just trigger him to be more controlling, and you wouldn’t want to risk “embarrassing him.” Please plan lots of get togethers with your own friends and family, so that they can reinforce your self-confidence and remind you that your style is absolutely perfect.

  90. NTA, what the actual fuck is wrong with this man. He’s 100% gaslighting you when pretending that he’s not the weird one for going to the restaurant with a spare dress for his wife. You’re not a toddler in the throes of potty training where a change of clothes is just good planning. Did he bring himself an extra pair of pants? Btw I’m not going to fault your creeper radar if you say that his friend is making you uncomfortable, but I think that there is a chance here that he’s probing to find out if you’re in an abusive relationship, which like… the answer is not definitely no. Not saying that you need to hang on to this particular person as a lifeline, but please consider making sure that you have people in your corner.

  91. NTAH!!!! Hubby.....HUGE AH!!! No question he did this on purpose. Honey I think you need to get out of this marriage. Your husband obviously doesn't think very highly of you and your background and he is trying to control you and turn you into the person who meets his standards. Please don't take this wrong, but from what you are saying I don't know why he married you in the first place given the fact he is trying to turn you into a Stepford Wife. There is NOTHING wrong you with, and EVERYTHING wrong with your husband, who clearly does not think you are on the same level as he is. He thinks he has the right to tell you what to wear and how to behave. The red flags for me are flying high and you deserve SO MUCH better than a snob who thinks he married down. Divorce him and take him for as much as you can. You will be called a gold digger, but at least you have your self respect and a little revenge.

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