Why would a man (30) want my whole paycheck? (20)

  1. Absolutely nothing good comes out of this. So many red flags. Once you get in, it’s near impossible to get out unless you have secret money somewhere. I saw this happen with a narcissistic ex roommate. He was 8 years older than his wife, got married after like a month, made her quit her job and sell her car and essentially stole her phone and deleted her contacts and moved to the other side of the country.

  2. Lol anyone check her post history? Really hoping her last post doesn't have anything to do with this one and was just genuine curiosity.

  3. The issue isn't "why would he want it", because that's entirely in keeping with all the other red flags here - "allowing" you to move in, giving you your money, views on women, etc. The real question is...why are you in this situation? Why are you even considering giving this man who's 10 years older than you so much control over your life? Why are you with someone who doesn't treat you as an equal or respect your needs and feelings?

  4. Holy fuck. Absolutely not. He wants all of your money so he can control you completely, prevent you from leaving when he turns up the abuse (emotional, physical, who knows, likely a fun grab bag of all!) The fact that he knows your family isn’t an option is so exciting to him, he’s so close to having you in a position where you can’t leave.

  5. Reading this post is like reading a post about someone going to the beach and complaining that the water is gone and the beach is empty. You’re reading it in horror wondering how they didn’t hear about the tsunami warnings… don’t ask any more questions, run far, run fast.

  6. 100% agree with this. Please take it from a. 30 year old woman that has been through this, sis. He's trying to control you.

  7. Agree with all of this. Just wanted to add: OP, now you know why his ex-wife is his ex. Only question you need to ask yourself is how many years do you want to waste on him before you become an ex as well? Bc that's not just a possibility, it's an absolute certainty.

  8. I’ve been in emotionally abusive and controlling relationships before (32F) and man did this trigger some old feelings for me. OP, please don’t give him all of your money. I don’t think I need to explain why. He will have total control of you and women ARE good with money, don’t let him tell you otherwise. He’s taking advantage of your age, goddamn this same thing happened to me. Walk away today if you can.

  9. Took a peak at your profile (sorry) and you're on track to ruin your life sweety. Not only does this guy seem like a complete abusive piece of shit (and I say that as a dude with massive temper problems), but he's also 30. You are 20. A 10 year age gap isnt too bad, but at your specific point in life it's weird as fuck. You can't even go out and drink, and he's with you? And he's supposedly so successful, and been married before? Guy is a complete loser, a controlling loser.

  10. As the sister of a girl who had this happen to her, this person is correct. My BIL put a tracker on her phone the DAY THEY MET, impregnated and married her at 21 shortly after our dad passed away and she was vulnerable. My sister has told him she wants to leave and divorce, but he moved her and their child to Estonia where she has no support and will not let her leave the country as he has parental rights. Her brain is warped and she thinks she can “change him”. Do not be like my sister - a sad story of abuse and a life ruined.

  11. Financial abuse, you’ve left one abusive situation for another. Be safe. And if you get out safe please avoid dating men so much older than you in the future. They target younger women to manipulate them. When I was your age I wouldn’t even entertain a man more than 2-3 years older and I’ve only ever dated men who were the same age as me.

  12. If his ex wife loved giving him her pay checks why are they divorced? Look, he's an asshole. He's trying to financially control you. He is gaslighting you. You are not overthinking it. He is with you because you are young and naive. If you have already your money going to his account, change it and leave this ass. He is not big on gender roles, he uses old wives tales as a manipulation tactic.

  13. Do not let him put your name on the lease, do not give him any of your money, he is trying to financially trap you. There is no reason for someone to have control over someone else’s finances, especially if they make enough money for themselves. Tell him you’re a responsible adult, not a child, the money you earn is yours. If he needs something to help out, you’ll consider a small percentage of what you make into a shared savings account.

  14. I'm a guy and I will tell you that this is not normal. he is trying to trap you and get control over you. i don't normally say divorce but seriously run for the hills for your own safety. and change the routing information to protect yourself cause if it goes into his account then it is legally his money

  15. Get the HELL out of there! He wants your paycheck so he can completely control you. If he does this, you will literally be begging him for YOUR money. GET.... OUT.... RIGHT.... NOW.

  16. This is a relationship and/or living situation you need to leave immediately. I became a prisoner in my 20 year marriage and money was a huge part of it. Terms like “allowance” and calling your salary so little or worthless are the key buzzwords of a person who has no respect and believes you have no value. I guarantee it will get worse. Please look closely at your relationship. Google relationship red flags. You may notice more things

  17. He is trying to control you. He wants to make sure you won't have the money to leave him when everything goes farther south. Het away from this man. Wait until he is at work and leave. I have dated men like this, wait until he can't try to stop you from leaving. It will be too dangerous to pack your bags and leave while he is at home. Do not give this man your money

  18. It’s about control. Huge red flag. Sounds abusive. I would get the hell out of there asap! It will only get worse (married someone like this, same age difference, close to same ages).

  19. If he's so big into gender roles and women not handling money, tell him the man is supposed to be the provider so you shouldn't work at all.

  20. Get a new checking account and change your direct deposit asap! Then leave him he is trying to control you and take your independence

  21. He's sexist, he wants to control his money so he can control you. He's 100% lying about his ex-wife as well, there's no way anyone would like that.

  22. Run, girl. There is nothing good here. He definitely wants to use your money and after he earns some he will send you on your way with nothing. There is NO GOOD reason for his behavior. Please, save yourself.

  23. Get out. He’s trying to legally keep you hostage. I doubt he even had a wife, and if he did, she realized what he was doing and booked it with her kids as fast as she possibly could. Also, OP, if he has kids, he has no custody or visitation rights at all from what you have said.

  24. Your paycheck goes into your account. You should really, really discuss this very dangerous setup with trusted friends and loved ones. There’s a number of very concerning things packed into your very short narrative.

  25. Hey OP, sorry for creeping on your other posts if you are un comfortable because of it. But am I correct that you havent been with him long, about a month since you posted about being single over a month ago? The age gap alone is a red flag. He knows of your horrid home situation and saw that you are vulnerable. He knows he has control over you.

  26. I’ve been thinking that. Recently he told me, I wasn’t great at anything yet because of my age. He says a lot of belittling things. And we honestly don’t have nothing in common, not even food.

  27. This is a step towards financial abuse. Also it’s 2022 the only gender roles I want to hear are full respect for each other’s autonomy. So my advise would be leave right now.

  28. he wants power and control and this is a sign of an abuser trying to trap someone in and gain control over them

  29. I know sometimes people on Reddit are quick to jump to certain conclusions, and it’s a bit of an overload. Please understand that this is absolutely not one of these situations. Please read this advise and take it seriously. This truly is unhealthy, controlling, and quite honestly dangerous behaviour.

  30. This is bull crap. Honestly he sounds like a manipulating jerk who seeks control over you. You should run not walk away while you can. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS.

  31. So a guy in a position of power who is 1/3 of your life older than you...wants to control your money....treat you like a child he gets to fuck? Give you an allowance? Dude...nope the fuck out of that shit. He is creepy as fuck

  32. This man is just a continuation of the abuse from home. Unfortunately, people like this will gravitate to you. It's going to take some hard homework for yourself to see the patterns for what they are, and to convince yourself that you truly deserve and can and will attain better. If you're making a paycheck, you can probably afford to rent with a roommate somewhere, then bills are itemized, not vague. Wonder why his ex left if she loved it so much.

  33. Because he's abusive and wants to have control over you, there's no good reasons as to why he would ask you to give him your paycheck. Him stating that his ex-wife used to do it and loved it means he's either lying or she had some sort of Stockholm Syndrom thing. This is not healthy and you should leave before it gets worse. Also "very big on feminine & masculine roles" just seems like an excuse to be a sexist abusive piece of shit. You should be careful. You're not overthinking if anything you're not giving it the importance it needs.

  34. That is a ginormous red flag you have there, along with two others of varying sizes. This is a full on relationship deal breaker. Gtfo from him and there there now.

  35. Please leave. He wants to financially control you. He's 10 years older. Age gaps are fine as adults. My parents were 8 years apart. But they were both in their 30's at that point. Please leave. Please

  36. Girl, RUN. This man is attempting to set you up for complete reliance on him. You are 20 years old, get rid of this man immediately and enjoy being young. Please take care of yourself.

  37. Get out of this relationship, he’s taking advantage of the fact that your 20 bc no one older will put up with this bs. You deserve better and also next time don’t move anywhere if your name is not on a lease. You need documentation that you can live there otherwise you can just get kicked out whenever and you don’t have any evidence that you lived there. Please realize he’s taking advantage of you, you do not need to give him your paycheck. He’s trying to make you dependent on him and that’s just not okay

  38. Thats why he has EX-wife. Omg save your money & run outa there! Controller..abusive…misogynist. Be safe OP. Get help. Look into community assistance.

  39. Look as a man I still believe in that old school “I pay the bills and bought the house” man shit and believe in those roles still.. HOWEVER. Your money is YOUR money. I can’t imagine asking my wife or gf for her money that she earns herself. Leave him before you get too deeply invested with him. He sounds like a control freak

  40. Why would he want your paycheck? So whenever, not if ever, he treats you like crap you can’t leave bc all of your money is tied to him. He’s trying to control you. Whenever you want to do this or that with money, he won’t let you. He will ask why you’re buying certain things. He’s going to dictate what you do with your money.

  41. Do NOT do this. You are a grown woman. You can save your money just as well as he is insisting he can save your money. He is trying to control you. Get the fuck away from this man immediately.

  42. This is insane and psychotic and terrifying. What the fuck how do you need to even ask for advice regarding this situation. This is clear as day. Get out of there, run leave asap.

  43. He is trying to scam you and take your money. This almost sounds like pimping . Leave him now. Also I am sorry that you’re going through this.

  44. Don't do this, ever, with anyone no matter how much you trust them. You need to have some form of independence. Your partner shouldn't have complete financial control over you.

  45. I'm quick to point out not every age gap relationship is automatically abusive but this one definitely is.

  46. It's so if you get sick of him you can't leave him because he has the house and all your money and all the possessions you bought will be his because the money paid for it will be coming from his accounts

  47. Why would you even consider this? He’s not married to you so you’ll get nothing from him when he eventually dumps you. What if you breakup next week what’re you gonna do? How will you move out with no savings or credit history?

  48. Anyone who wants control of your money is a concern. It takes away your independence and exerts a level of control that you shouldn’t except. Happily split bills and contribute your fair share, but don’t cede control of your money

  49. I don't know you, and I haven't posted on reddit for a long time before seeing this, but please get out of there before you end up trading one abusive situation for another. Don't let your finances be controlled by anyone other than yourself and absolutely be concerned that a 30 year old man wants to take control of your financial situation.

  50. Get out fast. Get out now. Don't even say goodbye, just go. He's preying on you. If you don't have friends or family to crash with, look for community action programs or shelters that can help you. Sometimes local churches or places of worship can direct you. You can do better, I promise.

  51. Please listen to all of us and leave. Do you need help getting out? Do you have somewhere else to go? Please dm me or talk to someone else if you need help figuring out how to leave, but absolutely leave. The sooner the better. The longer you wait, the less control and money you will have to be able to go. It won’t get easier to leave, so just go now.

  52. Heck no. If you guys were married I’ve seen couples have a shared bank account than each person has their own personal account but you guys aren’t even married. His ex WIFE used to give him paychecks. He sounds misogynistic too for saying women shouldn’t handle expenses. You’re young and have been through a lot. He could be trying to financially abuse you and I really don’t want it to escalate. I know it’s hard leaving a relationship especially when you mentioned how difficult your home life is. Is there anyone you can turn too to help you stay somewhere? Like a relative or friend?

  53. You could tell him to pay you instead of working if he is so into gender roles. Ask him if you quit working will he give you an allowance other wise move out. Something needs to be in your name and since you have no contract or children or titles to any asset you should leave.

  54. Because then he has complete control over you. When you realize that he is abusing you, you won't be able to get your own place. You won't even be able to get gas or a bus ticket to get away from him. You won't be able to pay for your phone to try to reach out for help. You'll have the illusion of some bit of freedom only as long as you play along and make him happy. You'll be a prisoner. Do not give him any money and make a plan to get free.

  55. I’m sure his ex loved him managing her money so much and that’s why she is the ex. Get out before it’s too late. Please.

  56. I don't mean to be... Cruel, here, but men like this get away with it because women let them. You're 20, you're earning your own money, you don't need him. Tell him where to shove it, and that's not the life you're going to be living, or leave. It's that simple. Why is it a question even so much as to consider it enough to write something on Reddit?

  57. Why? Because that gives him complete control over you. Without access to money you’re at his mercy. Get out now while you still can. This red flag couldn’t be any bigger and it may be the only chance you get to leave.

  58. This flag isn't even marinara at this point. It is blood fucking red. My SO are best friends and have been in a loving and trusting relationship for 10 years, but I would never give him that much control, nor would I ever allow him to give me that kind of control.

  59. Sounds like he wants you fully reliant on him. Probably a precursor to abuse. This, to me, seems like a means to prevent your 'escape' once you realize what he's really like.

  60. Please run I hate t hear another story like this. When older men date much younger woman it’s because you’re easier to control almost every time!! And if his goal is control that’s not normal and he’s got big issues pls leave girl

  61. Absolutely not. If he’s truly into feminine and masculine roles he wouldn’t allow you to be working a hard labor job as a woman. This is master level manipulation. Go back home to your family bebe. I’ve been with older men who were into this “feminine/masculine” thing and they were uncomfortable even asking abt my money much less needing it direct deposited to THEIR bank acct to hold on to. Gross 🤮🤮🤮

  62. Why? Because it’s money. Everyone wants money. There isn’t a complex mystery here — he wants to steal your money.

  63. Again, why do people see a gross age gap like this and not get some weird feeling inside😂 he’s a predator of some variation. Whether it’s emotional or psychologically. He loves control, and ya fell for it.

  64. Normally, I'd say this is 100% a control thing. However, with his job, if could also be one he either wants to invest it, or has overextended himself with his own inventments and doesn't want to tell you.

  65. This is a control tactic. If you have no money, you can’t leave or do anything for yourself should things go bad in the relationship. I’m not being presumptive; professionally, I work as an advocate helping people escape and rebuild after leaving domestic violence, and this is the first step into a very dangerous situation.

  66. Oh my goodness, you need to leave him. He just wants someone who he can control. Don’t give him ANY access to any of your money. You’re not on the lease, so please run. I don’t want to scare you, but this is not a good situation to be in. After reading some of your comments, it doesn’t seem that you have a very good family situation either, and I’m so sorry to hear that. You mention that you have a job, so if I were you, I’d start looking for apartments you can afford right away and move out. Cut this man off completely. Don’t tell him where you live. Just leave. And then you can continue to work and then also focus on your interests. Perhaps you have a hobby or two that you could look more into. You could possibly join a group. There are all sorts of groups out there for people to join, such as sports leagues, clubs, etc. It’s a great way to meet people with similar interests. Also, you can try to meet friends through your work as well. I just hope that you are able to find people that treat you well that you can trust. It may also be a good idea to take a break from relationships for a while. I really hope all works out for you!

  67. For control. If you think a man that old to you was looking for a real relationship ship and not to control a naive young woman to use like a trophy sex objects, you were wrong. Get out of there before he traps you and is even worst and harder to get out, this kind of manipulator and abusers are experts on it. Look out for yourself, there real and better men that will treat you like an equal, not an object

  68. Sounds like you have a real winner. Honestly though, what could you possibly see in this person when he’s very clearly laid out every single red flag possible (and I hate the whole red flag nonsense Reddit gets on about sometimes).

  69. I’m the sole breadwinner for my family, my pay goes into our joint account, when my wife works part time or makes extra that is her money because I don’t need it. This dude has it ass backwards. Seems to me to be way over controlling, what does he think your too dumb to handle your own money fuck that.

  70. RED FLAGSSSSSSSSSS. Controlling your money is often the first thing they do so you can’t be properly independent and so u can’t leave when u want too later. This just screams red flags. If you notice any more signs such as slowly stopping you from seeing your family or friends, controlling behaviour, not listening to you at all, anything, just leave. Sorry I’m not trying to ruin anything but I genuinely think that this is best.

  71. He wants it because of control. Financial abuse, and who knows what’s next🤷‍♀️usually emotional abuse, and potentially grow into physical abuse. There is no other reason a partner would want to be exclusively in charge and disregard you. Don’t do it. Better yet, leave if you can

  72. He’s trying to trap you and make you unable to leave. You may not think he would ever hurt you, but what if he did? What if you needed to run?? You have the ability to chose right now where you want your money to go. If he needs you to pay a portion of the bills you can send that money to him directly. Putting his routing information gives him ALL of the power. He can chose not to give you any of YOUR hard earned money whenever he chooses. Please don’t put yourself in a situation where another person has the ability to financially cripple you.

  73. If you follow through with this arrangement you can be 100% certain that when you’re in a fight, or even if you do something that upsets him, you will not have access to ANY money. I’ve seen this before.

  74. Yeah, his ex-wife loved it which is why he has an ex-wife and moved on to someone a lot younger than him, who is less likely to put their foot down to his bs. /s

  75. Nope. You tell him he can just say what percentage he would like you to be putting in a savings account you BOTH have access to that requires BOTH signatures to take out large amounts of money and sends an alert at ANY amount withdrawn.

  76. You are at a crossroads one path could lead down a very dark road. When I was trained to work on a domestic abuse hotline, I learned that domestic abuse is rooted in strong views on men's roles vs women's roles, and and such it is a strong indicator for potential spousal abuse.

  77. Also google "domestic abuse continuum," and read. I guarantee you will find more than one red flag (beyond this one) that you've already overlooked.

  78. You’re not overthinking. He said his wife loved it, but why are they divorced? I would want to find this out. I don’t want to be fast to come to conclusions but these are the first steps abuses take to exert financial control.

  79. If he was really into gender roles and taking care of you why would you be working? That man wants control, get out now.

  80. Oh, sweetheart. You are not overthinking. This is a controlling and abusive man beginning to show his true colors. Often they start with love bombing (though not always) and you won’t know until you’re in too deep what they’re truly capable of. My sister married a man like this. Terrible mistake. They’re divorced now but he put her through a decade of hell. Wouldn’t have known it when you first met him what he’d turn into.

  81. Sweetie you are on track to ruin your life if you let this guy control everything about your life, especially your finances, it's an extremely effective tactic to manipulate someone especially as young as you, into staying with them and keeping them under their thumb.

  82. Do not do this under any circumstance. You're digging yourself a hole, draw a line. I'd rather rent a rats den than have to run away on 0 savings.

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