Gentle reminder: 99 times out of 100, bending over backwards/going the extra mile ISN'T HELPING.

  1. It's hard when you develop the habit as a coping/masking the-best-defense-is-a-good-offense mechanism since childhood!!

  2. I was gonna make a post about how this sub makes me lose hope sometimes because it's mostly just people bonding over ultra-relatable problems without real solutions... but I keep forgetting to do it.

  3. Also like…. I am extra. If I’m “too much” for someone oh the fuck well. I wasted SO MUCH of my life and energy trying to be “low maintenance” instead of just being myself. It’s one thing to not over exert yourself at work or something but if you’re extra, BE EXTRA! It’s OK!!

  4. Bro same. Things that took several days took me less than half a day to get done once I streamlined and made a template for that issue. I find myself finishing everything 3 days out of 5 with with a bunch of side projects I do.

  5. Not me. Sure, I over perform in areas X, Y, and Z in order to distract from my failures in areas A, B, and C. But that is the only way I stay employed.

  6. Oh man, I feel this. I’m not an extrovert at all, although somehow colleagues seem to think I am when we first meet. Until…the inevitable happens and I start side-dodging all efforts to engage beyond the occasional (brief) office banter & required professional interactions. I’m always found out in the end.

  7. For me, my over-performing in X, Y, and Z was an excuse not to put more effort into A, B, and C because it was harder and I didn't want to fight my brain on it. That cost me a really meaningful job. I'm glad it's working out for you, but I wish I had taken the extra away from XYZ and put more into doing ABC when it could have made a difference.

  8. As an outsider, America seems to be the nexus of destructive and toxic business practice. A lot of us elsewhere are following close behind though.

  9. This is what I did at work since I started. Now got to the point where I feel screwed over left right and centre. So I'm going to just do what was initially expected from now on

  10. For me doing things at 200% is the only way I can enjoy it, I do it for me. Not anyone else. I love going all the way. All or nothing baby

  11. I put more effort into things for me too, it doesn't matter if anyone else will ever see it or know, my happiness with the experience & outcome is what I value the most.

  12. That is so very true. And at least for me, I put that extra into doing things that were easy and came naturally to me (in fairness, my output in those areas was exceptional). But that took even more away from the areas that were hard and fought directly with my ADHD. The hope was absolutely that the extra would balance out my other failures.

  13. I think the key here is to focus on learning to recognize when the urge to go the extra mile is something constructive and empowering, and when it is preventing your fulfillment of your core responsibilities (be they job responsibilities, or work required for school)

  14. On another note today I went the extra mile and offered to go on my friend's ultrasound appointment with her even though she was hesitant and now after finding out there's complications she told me she's really happy I came and she didn't want to be alone during this. You're right often it isn't noticed but there's those good friends that appreciate the extra things we do as well.

  15. I work extra, off the clock, sometimes because I feel like I wasn't productive during actual work hours and don't want to get fired for not doing my work. 😭😵😅

  16. I was going to reply with, "I'm a sister, mister!" But instead I am picturing you as Macho Man Randy Savage and embracing the brother, brother.

  17. I don’t do extra because I’m overcompensating. I do extra because my brain doesn’t have an off switch and one thought leads to another resulting in myself being known as the person who brings two potluck dinners to the party, saying yes to every request for help even though I don’t have time, etc.

  18. Yeah I feel a bit similar. My collegue asked me to do a little extra thing on a project because he knew it's something I enjoy doing. I was halfway done and he said "ok nevermind about the extra thing" and I really tried to get into something else and it just - wouldn't - work and I just fucking finished that extra thing just so I could get on with my life.

  19. This, this, this. I ended up doing the work of 3 people at my last job and was severely underpaid . I was definitely taken advantage of.

  20. See this sounds great. My partner works for medical appointments book and her bosses are constantly up her butt saying to cut her calls shorter, literally telling her to not be so nice, stop listening so much to patients all the while she gets requested by name from patients, consistently praised for being the only person in the process to truly listen and has even greatly helped people who were suicidal or having miscarriages. It’s so insane to me that her company cannot see the value and of course it only brings her stress, retraumatization of feeling like a failure and so on. It’s a real shame

  21. I maintain that positive feedback is 100x more impactful than negative. When someone does their job well I try to take a extra few minutes to talk to their supervisor and give good feedback, even though I struggle with phone conversations. Once you've worked in CS you know how powerful it can be. Reward the behaviour you want to see!

  22. i made this realization on an acid trip 2 days ago. do what you can. if someone asks for more, consider if you have it to give and react accordingly.

  23. Breaking this instinct is the reason i have had the same job for several years for the first time ever

  24. I feel this!! Why am I giving the extra effort when no one returns the favor?? Plus it makes me burn out. I feel if non ADHD brain put in the same effort I did into any type of relationship… I’ll be sitting on a throne being fed grapes.

  25. Excuse me? Do you wanna not call us all out like that? 🙃 In all seriousness this is a hard lesson to learn and it has caused many of my hardships and unnecessary stress yet I'm still stuck.

  26. 9/10 while working I am thriving on bouncing around and multitasking. All my employers love it. In fact, it puts me in a bad spot because I can get taken advantage of. But, it’s always, always landed me promotions - and quickly. Turning this off is very difficult for me as the workplace is one of the only places I get to expend all of my energy. It’s a win-win situation for me most of the time (save for when I’m getting taken advantage of.) I also know when I’m not needed :)

  27. Same (minus the being taken advantage of part) . Its exactly why people hire me and I always have work. (carpentry). Running all parts of the business, and also keeping in contact with everyone regarding their respective projects is reeeeaal tough; but I'm honest with all my clients, and they all understand.

  28. Ironically, this whole post has very "bending over backwards to help people who dont need help" vibes lmao

  29. Im going to leave this comment here because i know you are going to get flak for it. What you said sounds rude and maybe it is a little(not to me though!) Its also the truth. I love this sub, i get a lot of motivation from it. I feel validated. But oh so many times people talk on here like adhd makes us carbon copies of each other. But it doesnt. I have dyslexia too. And guess what? I am an average reader. Yet ive known people with dyslexia who take forever to read. But dont ask me to read an analogue clock. Things are a spectrum. We dont need to put people in boxes for us to resonate with things people say. Anyway i leave this comment to counteract the downvotes you are going to get. To tell you: yeah im with you.

  30. Honestly, this feels like an ADHD blindspot. I have learned from many hard lessons that I frequently assume other people are more like me than they are, which leads me to inferences that don't necessarily follow. I often assume they understand what I understand, see see what I see, feel how I feel, etc.

  31. Posting this in agreement/support of the above comment: It can be both. I do want to be seen as helpful and taking initiative- because I will want to, but not be able to, help all the time and those limitations often spring up because of my ADHD. It assuages the guilt of "if you can't help everyone at all times and do the most and the best at everything all of the time you're a selfish and incompetent jerk and everyone will see that."

  32. I agree. I think I understand the point OP was trying to make but "speaking from the I" would've come across a lot less judgy and a lot more helpful, in my opinion.Prevents the mind reading aspect pretty well, too. I've even seen it be a rule in some subs.

  33. on the flipside - people are going to say you're 'a lot', 'a bit much' or 'extra' no matter what you do because it is literally just a part of having adhd

  34. Everybody always told me I was verbose in emails, this totally explains it. It’s definitely a skill I’m trying to work on lol

  35. lmao I got publicly called out in a meeting of about 20 people by a person who puts in the least effort, she told me “don’t make yours all fancy and make us look bad” mamn my fancy binder gives me my dopamine boost 😭

  36. That’s such a bitchy thing to say especially in front of people. I have a person who started jokily low key doing this. At first, I brushed it off as them being worried or obsessive over everything - but sometimes these people are super underminers and they fly under the radar just enough to crap on other people with their negativity and they try and rally others to join indirectly or do things to make people they direct comments to second guess everything and doubt themselves. The sad part is if that is how they have always been they don’t always realize the impact it has.

  37. On the flip side, don't invest the energy into people who won't acknowledge it - or worse, will take advantage of it. I always feel obliged to answer any question I'm asked, even when I'm busy or impatient with the person in question. It's a terrible habit to have, and it's part of why I'm always so burnt out on people.

  38. This. So so much. I learned the hard way. I had someone who not only didn’t acknowledge it they took full advantage and i overheard them making fun of me to others when I wasn’t there but act different to me to my face. Nope. I’m still kind and pleasant but I will not go out of my way for them ever again. Also sticking around long enough shows other people what they’re about. I don’t need to waste my time confronting. I’ve decided that people liking me or vice versa is a bonus at work . Nice to have but not required. It’s more important to deliver and just work the best I can with what’s available.

  39. Orr you help and do extra all the time, then they come to expect that as your new "normal". Then when you're having an off day you get in trouble for not "pulling your weight" or performing to your usual standard (which was way too high and unsustainable to begin with)!! :(

  40. It's extra hard because my ADHD causes me to pump n dump hobbies like a crazy person so I happen to know a bit about a ton of of things and a lot about about a few and might be an expert in one. So you want to lend advice from your hard fought experience to make it seem like less of a waste of time.

  41. This thread rocks. OP is a real one for the incredible pro tip. Makes so much sense! Recently, I’ve experienced the benefits of not doing all the extra shit. Took me a long time to even CONSIDER not doing extra xyz. It’ll be a continual work in progress, but I’ve been able to recognize moments here and there where I’m on “auto pilot” and just reacting to every thought/idea/impulse/obsession, and I’m able to pause, consider what I’m doing, and choose whether or not to continue doing it. It feels absolutely incredible to slow down.

  42. IMO I think it depends on the context. If you communicate the extra and show them how much extra you've done, you can also really impress people and get that promotion, get the sale, not get laid off, etc.

  43. That's a lot of reading but I decided a while ago to stop going the extra mile because I'm sick of dealing with the fall out from it.

  44. Honestly this is helpful to hear, I need more advice like this 😭 I swear the ADHD brain is primed for burnouts

  45. It’s only taken me 47 years to be able to understand the wisdom of this post, lol. Peace be with you, internet stranger, your best days are ahead of you!

  46. Guilty of this. Unfortunately, I have set such a high standard of what's expected of me that I feel like if I have a "normal" day then people think I'm not doing anything.

  47. I go the extra mile everyday at work. I know it's not helping but I can't control myself when there is 20 years of shit laying around than can be organized and cleaned up.

  48. And then you’ll burn out from going above and beyond all the time, even if your efforts are appreciated. Ask me how I know :(

  49. So yeah, this is me. Never realized fully until now that the problem is... it bothers people, making them not like me.

  50. The other thing it can do is set higher than needed expectations for your performance, energy and effort. People may come to expect (or even rely on) that extra mile. And sometimes you won't be able to give it. Or you can only give it at great personal cost to yourself.

  51. I saw a tweet the other day where a therapist told someone, "Half ass more things because I guarantee your version of half-assing is better than most people's versions of whole-assing!"

  52. Showing what I’m good at and going the extra mile has served me well over the years, it’s given me a free pass when things have been not so good. I’ve only had one or two managers who it didn’t work on in my 18 year career (and I’ve had a lot of managers in that time). I also feel less guilty when I’m less productive because I know I’ve been smashing things the rest of the time.

  53. OR you go the extra mile and people take it for granted. When you inevitably drop the ball everybody is expecting better from you. I hate it.

  54. I view it entirely differently. If you want my help, the only way you’re getting my help is if I go all in. It’s the only way I’m comfortable. If you can’t accommodate my skills and need to make your problem my entire existence until it’s done, then you need to hire someone else. I’m not apologizing for being skilled.

  55. I hear you, but at the same time I'm working on an appeal to my unemployment that was denied falsely by my former employer that acted illegally. I'm on page 30 of pointing out laws broken and like.. sure it's "enough" but I just want to be thorough regarding all the laws they broke.

  56. I feel seen. It took me 30 years to understand not to do this for the reasons you cite. Mostly because having a dx also helps contextualize how allistic people might see or be experiencing my presence. It’s hard because my brain’s natural rhythm is free associative thinking especially when starting to problem solve. I feel so much cringe at myself looking back at various scenarios. I appreciate the grace that many people in my professional life - some who I’m very close to afforded me. I also have sometimes an earnestness that comes through and I think they understood I wasn’t trying to be a know it all or show anyone up. Also, I worked with a lot of cerebral, and very analytical people. I’m still unlearning this and getting better. I feel so seen. Also see : task paralysis/switching disguised as perfectionism . I could write a whole article. Perfectionism is not the often cited interview job skills weakness - humble brag that people think.

  57. I literally understand this to much. Let’s add the fact alot of us do this and then do 90% of what they actually asked over the years.

  58. Learned this the hard way by overdoing it on an assignment. I obviously put a lot of effort into it so I figured my creativity would be appreciated.

  59. I know exactly what you mean, what I learnt from work where my bosses were getting pissed because I was doing more of what I asked of them (in they’re eyes not following basic instructions) so I summarised it into don’t talk don’t think just do

  60. So I was with you at the start but you lost me later on. How I do it and maybe this helps others. I'm the local problemsolver. I love to help but I let people come to me. It starts with simple problems that I like to figure out. This takes the most time because I'm learning the systems of the job. After 2 year I was know as the guy you ask if you have a problem that you think you can't solve. They offered me a job where I mainly solve those problems. Now I'm the problemsolver not for my department but for the whole location and main connection to the head office.

  61. Dang, someone go and tell past me this while I was busting my ass at my last job for zero appreciation. When I finally gave up and moved on they hired someone else who makes more, has a better title, and does less. (I work in marketing and I know for a fact this person does less because I can physically see the results of new persons work, and it ain’t pretty.)

  62. Nope. Disagree. A. I’m not selfish & self-centered. I do for others out of love, I’m not motivated by what I get out of it. B. I respect and work hard to recall people’s boundaries. C. Because I recognize patterns more easily than most, what I think of as average effort, most see as more. This difference in perception has no place in judgment of value. Again, boundaries. Part of love is recalling and respecting the limits of the humans around me. Unless they’re disrespectful to me then fk them, just walk away.

  63. I work in the media and do overtime every deadline week and it's 8pm and I just got home and didn't have a lunch break and I feel personally attacked by this post but I also needed it so thank you 😭

  64. Extra all the time becomes a business as usual expectation making extra even more effort. This cycle repeats until nervous breakdown.

  65. You may also get told that "you're undermining other people's work" and that "other people might think you're trying to replace them". It sucks to be passionate about something and have someone completely misread your intention to be helpful.

  66. I’d argue otherwise, always go the extra mile and excel at what your doing because you’ll go farther and get more perks. You do you, but going slower is boring and you end up with less.

  67. Wel bending over backwards got me a promotion I did not ask for so my experience is difrent I said yes to evry overtime request and that was greatly appreciated

  68. Hey, there's definitely gonna be that 1 out of 100 times! I'm really glad it paid off, that is absolutely something to celebrate. :) I think it's just really important to take care of ourselves and don't let the 110% effort level burn us out.

  69. I have a task at work for migrating from one framework to another, this involves a lot of classes and BO objects, my boss specifically said that I should only change the BOs needed for the class I'm changing at the moment, so I changed a lot of BOs because they were all broken and stuff, welp, had to revert everything...

  70. yeah. for me and my whole life it's been brownie points to please keep driving me to work. I'm terrified to drive. I'm 41 now and that terror has become so complex!

  71. Oof, that's a tough one!! Maybe some exposure therapy could help. Have you considered getting driving lessons from a professional?

  72. When you add to this a history of failures when you don't take care of something personally, and you have a recipe for being wide open all the time. Like a man on fire.

  73. Don't depress me on this Friday morning. 😭 I KNOW this shit is true, but this habit of staving off future hurt from my mistakes by making myself seem EXTRA awesome right now is too deeply ingrained.

  74. I wish it worked that way realistically but unless the people we interact with are literally keeping a tally list unfortunately it's just us keeping score!

  75. For me it’s less about making up for shortcomings and more about hyper focus. I’m enjoying this process and I can’t pull myself away so I end up going above and beyond the assignment and then tell myself it’s about a commitment to quality. But really it’s about an inability to transition from one task to another.

  76. I got to director level going the extra mile. Director level is awesome. I think this depends on your industry/company culture.

  77. Thank you. I was blamed for not doing enough and blamed for going the extra mile and I doing so lead me to what I think is burn out (I will, discussed it with my sister that also had a burn out) and know I can't function. Going the extra mile is not worth it.

  78. I really like where I currently work because I often feel like I am doing my version of minimal effort, but my coworkers always tell me how helpful I am and they are glad I work with them. They offer to do things because I “do so much”.

  79. So I recently learned exactly what this "quit quitting" thing means and find it amusing that it goes perfectly right along with this advice.

  80. It’s a cycle: work hard and above my lvl to get a promotion —> don’t get it but do get a nice raise —> get bothered I did extra work with no bonus —> take it easy and just do my work —> sr’s need help —> I pick up the slack —> no promotion.

  81. Or even more importantly they'll notice and expect it all the time. This plays into the toxic work culture of over extending employees.

  82. Overdelivering is a massive dopamine hit for me and that drives me far more than any desire to protect myself from future embarrassment. To be honest I can’t think far enough into the future to anticipate that kind of issue.

  83. 'Scusi for not reading the comments. Was this a work, family or friend slap? I've experienced all three. Then overthink how much others underthink. Then alter MY life and attitude. Naturally.

  84. I feel so called out but I also have been starting to realize this when making friends. Don't keep buying your roommates from New York rugelach or black and whites and all of y'all because you know that they also love them/had them back home to make them feel more at home until you know them more. They're going to get overwhelmed with you. I beat myself up everyday because I'm too much for my friends and they can only be around me for a couple of days. (I'm still talking about my roommates at college so we all share a suite.)

  85. Yep I've been there and done that. I waste energy on lots of little extra things at work. I need to prioritise so that I don't get swept up in extras and forget the important stuff!

  86. I wish I read this a few months ago. So much sacrifice. So much over the top effort. And my roommates are still illegally evicting me.

  87. Wasn’t expecting to find a revelation about my personality while sitting on the toilet paying the price for Taco Bell at 2 AM.

  88. I have had the same experience, and have been treated like shit by colleagues for going the extra mile.

  89. I needed to hear this. Thank you. Potentially life changing. If i can just 1) remember 2) adhere to it

  90. Who the hell has the energy and motivation to be a people pleaser on top of general life with ADHD? This is something that I will never understand. Good luck with it though!

  91. Agh I realised this the other week in therapy- I go above and beyond to compensate for my self perceived uselessness and unreliableness.

  92. Thanks. Over did it this week trying to hit a deadline (and yes, bee seen as helpful and hardworking and way better than the last person they fired for sucking!) And now I'm in bed unable to move with a (what feels like) broken back

  93. I needed this...I've been spending an extra hour after work everyday to help when I'm not being paid for it and it's drained all life out of me. I think I underestimate how much time I actually need to wind down and recuperate just from working. You are not being lazy, you are just listening to your NEEDS.

  94. I'm doing this for myself, not for them. This is my perfectionism, not theirs. I will keep doing it, because I like to be proud of my work. Which I am not, when I half ass it.

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