1. I'd get a hot smack across the face in 1986 if I acted this way and it'd be a good while before I ever considered acting that way again. But, I digress with that. You're lucky you don't live with the kiddo full-time, and times three. My SO sees the good, and I the bad. The lack of follow through with zero consequences is due to parental guilt and the truth hurts! So when SKs get to flex their stubby little egos, and narcissism rears it's ugly face, the step parent suffers in silence with their hands tied. Every time this happens I look at my SO and say, 'just say the words,' and she'll say, no, I got it. But there's still a cushy bubble around these kids and the real world will either toughen them up or eat them alive.

  2. HCBM sounds clueless or manipulative, or both. HCBM not considering her son's age appropriate, yet inappropriate comment that you are annoying, and not taking it with a grain of salt (I'm sure she's met you enough times, i could be wrong) therefore probably believing that you are annoying is a bias making her clueless. Not asking DH to mention it to his son, neglecting transparency and a learning opportunity could indicate your SS never said you were annoying, hence she is manipulative. Your DH owes you some loyalty here and HCBM needs to grow up.

  3. At least they want to engage with you. Avoidance due to overbearing is better than avoidance due to off-putting I guess? Trade yah?

  4. I remember I couldn't wait to move out, not because of a bad relationship with my parents, but because I wanted to live on my own, but still depend on my parents for things like a nice home cooked meal. I don't get the lack of drive with some able-bodied people to go live their lives.

  5. I need the advice and the confidence of a plan moving forward so you're good haha My husband keeps asking them for a plan and they say "I don't know" every time We don't charge them any bills We have a chore chart system in place so everyone does equal work We've been trying to run everything more like they're a roommate and less like they're a kid, but they seem to have no drive to grow and be independent(and why would they when they live so comfortably) I think a change in plans is in order They can totally afford rent right now because they pay a taxi to get to work every day, we do really need to go over finances and give them a visual on how doable it is to get outta here, haven't gotten there yet. We both work full jobs and it takes a lot of energy to communicate and teach them things so we've been lazy&avoidant :/

  6. You're not alone. Yup. I've got one. Middle SD15 going on 16, but operates like 11. Her momma has to constantly regulate her emotions because she won't self-regulate. She's the rudest, most hypocritical, arrogant, narcissistic kid I've ever met. Always some drama. Cries to her mom at least once a week begging not to go to school, but digs her heels in deep when mom tries to take her to therapy. My SO is 7k in the hole from years of therapy for this ungrateful kid. I've tried so hard over the years to like her, but what she doesn't realize is she doesn't give me any reason to like her. Totally immature. Leaves messes in the kitchen. Burns food on the stove leaving pans for mom to scrub. Refuses to even close cabinets and drawers. Tosses gum wrappers wherever she damn well pleases in the house. I could go on forever. I've disengaged to the point where neither of us has said a word to one another. It's been at least 5 months. I almost broke my silence when she called her mom from upstairs bitching and yelling at her because there was no hot water left for a shower in a house with 6 people. I was definitely in fight mode, but my SO finally put her in her place which rarely happens. She always takes the path of least resistance which drives me nuts. I worry she'll linger into her 20s similar to your situation. By then my SO and I will move back to my original home i retained before we blended into a new home my SO purchased legally in her name. I know I'll have more leverage when that time comes and I hope for this kids sake she gets her act together because if not she won't be welcome in my home. Sorry not sorry.

  7. You definitely shouldn't feel guilty for this, especially if you've voiced your needs to your partner, and the kids have been informed of their expectations. The kids will relapse on a regular basis, especially if there are multiple siblings. This I'm told is normal, and my experience anyway. However, I feel if consequences are put into place it, i.e. take the phone away for a few days, they'llthink twice. I've come to realize if you've had an entirely different upbringing from your partner, chances are you will resent the SKs, because they will do and say things that you yourself would have not gotten away with when you were young. If I'm not in the bedroom I'm in the bathroom. If I'm not in the bathroom, I'm outside working in the yard or garage. If I'm not doing any of those things I'm in my own son's bedroom watching a movie spending time with him. Pretty much avoid the chaos and drama at all costs because it creates stress and anxiety for me. If you know, you know. 'Don't let the bastards grind you down.'

  8. My partner likes to imagine this picture perfect blended family. He expects me to put up that face in front of his kids all the time, just smile through whatever they do right or wrong and always be there for them, basically like a 2nd mom. I voiced to him that is not something I will be able to provide before we got into a serious relationship, however it seems he has since forgotten and gets mad at me for hiding in my room or not stepping up as he expects. This fuels my need to be alone more, as I feel uncomfortable and pressured.

  9. That's very unfortunate. It seems like a common theme with these types of parents. I can be easy going with my own kiddo, however, if my partner has an issue with my kiddo (which is not often) I'm on top of it right away, no nonsense, sit down, ultimatum, this is how it's going to be or else you lose x, y, and z. There's a firm understanding, no disciplining with hugs, no sitcom BS, just straight forward authoritative parenting. My kiddo knows I love him and I remind him daily. The permissive approach with kids has consequences later in life and there are statistics that show. Teaching kids at an early age to be accountable and take responsibility is paramount. The problem with blended families seems to be when one side of the family is used to a certain 'culture' and isn't willing to bend to the the slightest degree or compromise with the otherside. I.e. when SKs are used to chucking dishes in the sink to the point where others have to work around dirty dishes to wash hands or their own dirty dishes. Leaving things to 'soak' that don't need soaked. No one likes dirty dish water splashing up at them every time they want to use a communal sink. The only thing worse is when their mother washes their dishes for them. So when there are two clashing cultures blended families struggle, or one side remains willfully oblivious and the other bitter and resentful.

  10. Not if they already know it all and have 40 yrs experience in a 15 yr old body.

  11. It's a travesty, however, it sounds like most of you have a connection in some way, shape or form, if they're agreeing to go out for ice cream and/or shopping. I can't even get middle SK to acknowledge my existence. I would emphasize ice cream without toppings is better than no ice cream at all. In addition, maybe ask them to tell you about something they've given to someone before, then ask them why they didn't give more?

  12. Many divorced parents seem to lose all normal and reasonable expectations for their children. I just don't get it. He's dismissing the opportunities to teach empathy, respect, compassion and helping.

  13. I share and preach your sentiment to my partner about her bratty kids all the time. I would give you a thousand up votes if I could, but unfortunately can only award you just one.

  14. He didn't forget. Possible he can't admit to you he doesn't see what the big deal is, even though you have every right to your privacy. I would feel the same way.

  15. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. One step at a time. And on to bigger and better.

  16. Because their kids are so special and unique. All efforts of enrichment would be compromised, and the fragile ego that requires routine validation would crumble.

  17. So athletic! And probably early to mid 30s there, but the hair is so grandmom! The take away is so smooth, but the down swing is even more impressive!

  18. I know how you feel. I unfortunately have to coexist with an insecure, immature, willfully ignorant, thin-skinned, selfish, lazy, ungrateful and narcissistic 15 yr old SD who chooses to pretend I don't exist on a daily basis. The glares, the cringy behavior, the ego, its more than one can bare. I dreaded shopping for her this year, like last. I spent two years converting an entire 3rd floor attic into a bedroom for her older sister, I parged a basement, finished a laundry room, unclogged drains, killed spiders, you name it, I've done it. Most of all I love and treat their mother well. The other day, Christmas eve, she said to her mother, why do you have to take the dog out for a walk? Why can't he? He should do more. I can't even begin to explain what I felt. It's not appropriate. The anger, the fury. I did let my partner know how I felt about the kid. Usually it causes an argument where I double down, but this time she knew I was right. I don't feel sorry for these types of kids who think their shit don't stank, who don't appreciate the 'other' adult in their lives. Couldn't even look in my direction while opening the gifts I got her. No acknowledgement, no thank you, no nothing.

  19. Your SO knew what she was doing. It’s just the daughter makes your SO’s life much harder if she forces the therapy than you do with the no therapy option. Your SO took the path of least resistance rather than fell for anything.

  20. You make a great point. The kid was brought up in a cushy padded sheltered bubble, so it's instinctual for my SO to make her happy. She takes the light-hearted approach to correcting poor behavior and it drives me nuts. Unfortunately said paths of least resistance will only delay the inevitable, and a near future failure to launch is a risk. I've made it clear to my SO zero future adult children negative disruptions will be tolerated especially after we sell our blended home and move into a new one in 6 years. My SO can visit negative children at their future apartments. They will probably need help with their dishes and trash anyways.

  21. It's only thankless when your SO allows their kids to be thankless.

  22. This is probably not a common opinion but we don’t take SS when he’s sick. And if he gets sick here we offer to keep him until he’s better.

  23. Now they just need Tiktoc and Snapchat. The truth is we live in a backwards world enhanced by enablers. You are not wrong for your stance, and I agree, however, for your own sanity, limit how far up that hill you are willing to climb so you don't have to die on that hill. It's possible BM is trying to over compensate, or win the kids over. If she really thinks those things are necessary for her kids, tell your DH to tell her to buy them herself. DH should not have to go halfsies on a gift he doesn't feel comfortable with either. He could just tell her he already got them their gifts. They are not a gifting couple anymore.

  24. You are not alone. I live in Cringeville 24/7. They actually tried to argue the meaning of cringe with me once. Oh, the irony. The egotistical self-righteous act I deal with from 2/3 of my three SD is so off-putting, mostly from middle kid, who I am pretty sure is facing a personality crisis, hopefully soon to be addressed by a provider, that it makes me physically sick. Restraint is not easy. There are takers and leavers. They are definitely takers. The best thing you can do is let them expose themselves in front of others they have to put a good show on for, like extended family. It's worse now with the internet. These kids have smart phones way too young, hence you don't need experience when you can regurgitate someones else's knowledge that's already been regurgitated.

  25. These men disgust me. What absolute chicken shit cowards some of them are!

  26. That's funny. I am in the same situation, but in reverse as a SF. 🤷‍♂️

  27. Living in my own quiet spacious house in the country with a babbling brook in the woods, for snotty entitled and willfully arrogant little ninnys with no appreciation for anyone but themselves, closer to the city where it takes 20 min to back out of the driveway.

  28. That's funny. I feel like there are fewer SF than SM. At any rate, I think it's challenging for any step parent. Especially today vs when we were kids. I had a really good relationship with my SF right out of the gate when I was 7. Today it's much different in the age of cancel culture. I've been canceled by middle SD for the last 4 yrs. I push objective thinking and she subjective. I know every circumstance and situation is different. Whatever yours is I hope it gets easier for you.

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