I’ve learned that I unfortunately just have to practice even more frequently (not for long sessions, just more frequently) and not be too scared of moving on from practicing one thing to another (aka not being too emotional about when I have to learn a new thing and feel stressed again).
I say stuff like this to my therapist and she’s been good at reminding me that suicide is a logical thing to think about when you’ve been taught that emotions and impulses are unmanageable.
I’ve enjoyed these last comments. I’ve often valued my codependent traits in ways that are harmful. I went to speech therapy as a kid. It would have been a problem if my parents called me a “lisp person,” and taught me to identify with my speech impediment. I think a lot of the anti-narc content I consumed in the past had a similar effect. When “person who’s a victim because they’re a good person” was my identity… it definitely made it harder to change.
Couples counseling seems good. I also hope he will understand that while you help him get things done by childifying him, he should also work on making his own reminders, because childifying him 24/7 is too hard.
I don’t have this exact experience with a partner but I have been driven mad by the experience of being an adhd person who’s willing to go to therapy and to radically change my personality, while watching other adhd folks plow through the world with manic obliviousness.
“The reason we armed the Islamists was neglect of the consequences that we’d face as a result of arming Islamists,” is the kind of infantile excuse my Jewish Day School teachers would have rightfully lectured out of me.
Had a convo about this topic with my therapist. Yup. It's interesting how the combination of a) solitude literally feeling safer than being around your caregivers, plus b) your caregivers' own delusions and idealizations about their own independence, can really give you a rigid and scared personality. But a rigid and scared personality that you'll describe to yourself as independent, heroic and normal.
It hurts to see it for what it is. To see that I wasn't actually protecting myself that much, but was limiting myself. It hurts because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment, but I have faith.
Healthy narcissism isn't called narcissism anymore, it's called self esteem, but I get what you're saying. (Narcissism is diagnosis of a toxic disorder. Self esteem is a healthy expression of self love.)
In my mind, narcissism is when you do narcissistic behavior in order to constantly get temporary hits of self-esteem, because those problematic behaviors are the only way you know to reliably get it. If you know how to get self-esteem otherwise, whether by way of therapy or a stable upbringing, you probably don't do those behaviors.
You know, I never thought of it as a tool until now. That's going to be a little hard to learn how to do but you're right it could be very helpful for progress
Sometimes my nostalgia is telling me that I need a little bit of something in my life. Sometimes it's telling me that I'm just mourning a thing which I'm done with.
Nothing less weird than sitting on a podcasters subreddit and ruthlessly enforcing the new “don’t be weird” rule while white-knuckling your own weirdness withdrawals while posting deep cut cushvlogs, book recommendations, obscure pod appearances, et cetera.
Whiteknuckling your own weirdness withdrawals while posting deep cuts. That’s a brilliant way to describe what posting feels like when you’re more aware of what you’re doing.
Orlov teaches the partner to take on an unfair level of burden in my opinion. Orlov teaches you to coddle, kowtow to RSD and be more of a caregiver. Gina Pera has courses, books etc and seems to make it more balanced.
Yeah - the taking responsibility is huge. The progress I've made with my emotional regulation has been mostly at my own behest, with my partner only nudging me a little bit. I don't think it would work if I weren't motivated to manage my own emotions, or expected her to take care of me more.
This whole thread is so validating. I get SO anxious when I'm being talked "at" and have honestly gotten so wrapped up in my ADHD partner bubble that I didn't realize most people would find that anxiety-inducing. Thanks for soothing like 8 years of feeling guilty that I get so anxious when he's talking.
Nothing's wrong with you. I've been on both ends of these types of conversations. I've had negative reactions to people saying "can we talk about something else" and I've learned to accept it.
I have ADHD. I have the tendency to talk and talk about my hyperfixations, but it's more regulated than it used to be. It's mostly regulated due to therapy and a lot of work in general.
My experience with ADHD meds has been: they did not do much for me, but they did help me to wake up and immediately do things. I know that "try meds" is generic advice but I'm offering it here as specific advice. :)
I can't be sure what your situation is like, but I can try. I don't know how viable all of these things are for you, so please don't feel bad if I suggest something that's off the table- a lot of this is coloured by my own emotional baggage anyway.
Just want to jump in to say that I feel seen by this. Such a similar pattern to my parents and me. Whether its autism, personality disorder, or whatever else, I relate especially to the feeling of being a child experiencing simple emotions, with a parent who is clearly just impatient, uncomfortable, and wishing they could escape from having to deal with someone else's emotions.
quarantine literally sent my mental health back to as bad as it was when I was 14 and extremely depressed idk what life these people lived but it was absolutely not beneficial to me
I think a lot of people have an online induced bubble of numbness and flatness around them. They don’t experience depression like the rest of us. They experience it more as a disruption of routine that has to be immediately attacked. They experience it as moments when they post even harder
Seems like a perfect way to change guilt that comes from a real place into another thing to debate online with people who are just as stuck in their head as you are
Distraction is your friend always. If you gotta turn up tomorrow then you have to turn up tomorrow..if it's passed the point of no return for tomorrow then your worrying for no reason.
Yeah if that’s what’s happening, work on being able to accept when you’ve passed the point of no return and you should just take the L instead of thinking about how you can somehow fix the error you made and show up to work tomorrow
I feel like marxism is generally repellant to hot people bc their existence is inherently an imposition of darwinian inequality and they usually grow to feel somewhat protective of that power
Big time. Even though I know it's not the scientific consensus, I think that ADHD can indeed "develop" in the sense that some of us... the traits come out only after having to face the stress and obligations of adulthood.
I’ve learned that I unfortunately just have to practice even more frequently (not for long sessions, just more frequently) and not be too scared of moving on from practicing one thing to another (aka not being too emotional about when I have to learn a new thing and feel stressed again).
I say stuff like this to my therapist and she’s been good at reminding me that suicide is a logical thing to think about when you’ve been taught that emotions and impulses are unmanageable.
Maladaptive traits are labelled as maladaptive because... they cause harm.
I’ve enjoyed these last comments. I’ve often valued my codependent traits in ways that are harmful. I went to speech therapy as a kid. It would have been a problem if my parents called me a “lisp person,” and taught me to identify with my speech impediment. I think a lot of the anti-narc content I consumed in the past had a similar effect. When “person who’s a victim because they’re a good person” was my identity… it definitely made it harder to change.
Couples counseling seems good. I also hope he will understand that while you help him get things done by childifying him, he should also work on making his own reminders, because childifying him 24/7 is too hard.
I don’t have this exact experience with a partner but I have been driven mad by the experience of being an adhd person who’s willing to go to therapy and to radically change my personality, while watching other adhd folks plow through the world with manic obliviousness.
Just use common sense.
“Just use common sense.”
Hamas are succeeding at undoing Israel in the same way Ukraine are succeeding at undoing Russia.
“The reason we armed the Islamists was neglect of the consequences that we’d face as a result of arming Islamists,” is the kind of infantile excuse my Jewish Day School teachers would have rightfully lectured out of me.
Had a convo about this topic with my therapist. Yup. It's interesting how the combination of a) solitude literally feeling safer than being around your caregivers, plus b) your caregivers' own delusions and idealizations about their own independence, can really give you a rigid and scared personality. But a rigid and scared personality that you'll describe to yourself as independent, heroic and normal.
ngl, this hit me in my soft spot. its the only defense I have
It hurts to see it for what it is. To see that I wasn't actually protecting myself that much, but was limiting myself. It hurts because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment, but I have faith.
Healthy narcissism isn't called narcissism anymore, it's called self esteem, but I get what you're saying. (Narcissism is diagnosis of a toxic disorder. Self esteem is a healthy expression of self love.)
In my mind, narcissism is when you do narcissistic behavior in order to constantly get temporary hits of self-esteem, because those problematic behaviors are the only way you know to reliably get it. If you know how to get self-esteem otherwise, whether by way of therapy or a stable upbringing, you probably don't do those behaviors.
You know, I never thought of it as a tool until now. That's going to be a little hard to learn how to do but you're right it could be very helpful for progress
Sometimes my nostalgia is telling me that I need a little bit of something in my life. Sometimes it's telling me that I'm just mourning a thing which I'm done with.
Nothing less weird than sitting on a podcasters subreddit and ruthlessly enforcing the new “don’t be weird” rule while white-knuckling your own weirdness withdrawals while posting deep cut cushvlogs, book recommendations, obscure pod appearances, et cetera.
Whiteknuckling your own weirdness withdrawals while posting deep cuts. That’s a brilliant way to describe what posting feels like when you’re more aware of what you’re doing.
Orlov teaches the partner to take on an unfair level of burden in my opinion. Orlov teaches you to coddle, kowtow to RSD and be more of a caregiver. Gina Pera has courses, books etc and seems to make it more balanced.
Yeah - the taking responsibility is huge. The progress I've made with my emotional regulation has been mostly at my own behest, with my partner only nudging me a little bit. I don't think it would work if I weren't motivated to manage my own emotions, or expected her to take care of me more.
This whole thread is so validating. I get SO anxious when I'm being talked "at" and have honestly gotten so wrapped up in my ADHD partner bubble that I didn't realize most people would find that anxiety-inducing. Thanks for soothing like 8 years of feeling guilty that I get so anxious when he's talking.
Nothing's wrong with you. I've been on both ends of these types of conversations. I've had negative reactions to people saying "can we talk about something else" and I've learned to accept it.
I have ADHD. I have the tendency to talk and talk about my hyperfixations, but it's more regulated than it used to be. It's mostly regulated due to therapy and a lot of work in general.
My experience with ADHD meds has been: they did not do much for me, but they did help me to wake up and immediately do things. I know that "try meds" is generic advice but I'm offering it here as specific advice. :)
I can't be sure what your situation is like, but I can try. I don't know how viable all of these things are for you, so please don't feel bad if I suggest something that's off the table- a lot of this is coloured by my own emotional baggage anyway.
I second the general gyst of above. Similar relationship to my parents.
Just want to jump in to say that I feel seen by this. Such a similar pattern to my parents and me. Whether its autism, personality disorder, or whatever else, I relate especially to the feeling of being a child experiencing simple emotions, with a parent who is clearly just impatient, uncomfortable, and wishing they could escape from having to deal with someone else's emotions.
quarantine literally sent my mental health back to as bad as it was when I was 14 and extremely depressed idk what life these people lived but it was absolutely not beneficial to me
I think a lot of people have an online induced bubble of numbness and flatness around them. They don’t experience depression like the rest of us. They experience it more as a disruption of routine that has to be immediately attacked. They experience it as moments when they post even harder
Perfect description - they believe you can be a piece of shit as long as pay for your sins by giving an African village a well.
Seems like a perfect way to change guilt that comes from a real place into another thing to debate online with people who are just as stuck in their head as you are
Distraction is your friend always. If you gotta turn up tomorrow then you have to turn up tomorrow..if it's passed the point of no return for tomorrow then your worrying for no reason.
Yeah if that’s what’s happening, work on being able to accept when you’ve passed the point of no return and you should just take the L instead of thinking about how you can somehow fix the error you made and show up to work tomorrow
“Vote like your own parents’ problems are mild enough that you can think about other people’s parents’ hypothetical problems instead”
My immediate thought after reading this was to do couple's therapy and focus on getting better at managing reactions to each other.
I feel like marxism is generally repellant to hot people bc their existence is inherently an imposition of darwinian inequality and they usually grow to feel somewhat protective of that power
politicsism is generally repellant to many hot people bc they don't feel a need to speak to their society's manager very often
[удалено]
The internet, including this forum, actually is mostly extra insecure lame teens... people say that glibly and mockingly but it's not wrong
Maybe it can be a good thing if it’s a long term relationship with someone who is committed to growing and is very self aware as a result
Big time. Even though I know it's not the scientific consensus, I think that ADHD can indeed "develop" in the sense that some of us... the traits come out only after having to face the stress and obligations of adulthood.